Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and...

By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and in an effort to wash out my mouth I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

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Miscellaneous

Caught red-handed

Age ain't nothing but a number

Yappy neighborhood

By Wtf - 29/4/2011 16:09 - Canada

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

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By Cooper491 - 15/9/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 09:59 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

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By Fooled Wife - 14/9/2018 14:30

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2011 06:40 - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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By melmel - 5/5/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By laury - 9/5/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

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By anonymous - 15/10/2010 08:05 - Canada

Today, my parents told me I was adopted. I can understand parents waiting for a child to be old enough to understand, but I'm 33 years old. FML

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By B - 18/12/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

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By worried - 1/4/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 16:28 - United States - Portland

Today, I thought it would be cute to put on a Santa hat and ask my crush what he wanted for Christmas. He said "A girlfriend." I took off my Santa hat and yelled "Ta-da!" He added, "An ATTRACTIVE girlfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Ain't going nowhere - 24/6/2015 18:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 13:18 - United States - Allendale

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

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By AlwaysTired - 28/11/2015 03:21 - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 02:52

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

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By Sorrymom - 11/8/2017 01:30

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By ravestradamus - 12/10/2009 12:34 - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

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By badtimingdude - 18/8/2009 16:34 - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

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By WellOops - 18/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

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By help me - 1/6/2014 15:51 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By sexyconvo - 25/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

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By shylahrc - 3/5/2014 23:51 - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

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By A. - 15/4/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By angry girlfriend - 22/5/2012 14:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By Anna - 28/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/1/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By bthms - 31/1/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

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By Mr Hawks - 19/12/2008 05:17 - France

Today, I decided to put my computer on slideshow mode. Did you know that hidden files are also read when you put slideshow on? I discovered this, as did my entire family, when my naked girlfriend appeared on the screen. FML

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By kasai_x0x - 19/6/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

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By - 29/12/2018 12:00

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

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By CzechMeOut - 4/8/2009 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while visiting family in the Czech Republic, I was told on two separate occasions that I looked like a Czech TV star. Flattered, I asked what the TV show was called. Turns out there's a Czech version of 'Ugly Betty'. FML

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By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2012 22:54 - Australia

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

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By crétin-crédule - 26/2/2013 05:02 - France - Isle

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

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Top comments

By perstephane | 4

#658077 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

Gross - but that's why you don't drink random things at parties. That, and a million other reasons...

By perdix | 29

#658081 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:33

You probably gave that fly lung cancer!

Comments

By hk_fml | 9

#658076 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

ahh gross. x.x

The_Pleb | 0

#658092 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:39

Remember kids, smoking kills and so does coke

CFR | 0

#658233 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:10

Nothing like the spread of disease and sharing of DNA to bring a party together.

FarSide | 22

#658376 - Saturday 7 November 2009 0:29

Nice recovery dip-shit. That fly was the healthiest thing you took into your mouth.

fsxman1 | 11

#975310 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 22:17

better than is somebody put crack or pills in the drink and you get nocked out for the night and get raped by ten fat dudes so you can't sit down for a week.... think on the bright side =)

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1463075 - Monday 27 September 2010 6:53

I usually don't pick up a random can at a party. probly full of spit cuz som1 probably already drank from it and did other things.fake

caitlyndeon18 | 10

#2679191 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 14:15

Awh gross. I guess you should of made sure it was actually pop in the can.

By perstephane | 4

#658077 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

Gross - but that's why you don't drink random things at parties. That, and a million other reasons...

By bertiebass1 | 5

#658078 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:32

ewwwwwwwwww

By perdix | 29

#658081 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:33

You probably gave that fly lung cancer!

By DovdGraaf | 0

#658089 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:38

Poor dude.... good luck and uh.. you made me feel sick..

By spaaw | 0

#658108 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:47

did you get fries with that?

By Skull_300 | 0

#658111 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:49

When you were leaving, are you there person that was walking thru the Garden and "accidently" sat on a cucumber?

By perdix | 29

#658144 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:08

20 Smokers, 1 Can < 2 Girls, 1 Cup

Airch | 9

#658252 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:24

naaah dude, never seen the state of a can after a couple of fag buts go in there? the liquid turns black...

perdix | 29

#658263 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:35

Have you seen 2 Girls, 1 Cup? Even a textual description is enough to make you sick.

And I have seen what happens when people "dipping snuff" use a Coke can as a spitoon.

Both are thoroughly disgusting.

By boredomkills89 | 0

#658150 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:14

next time something like this happens, remember the beer in american pie. that will make you think twice about putting something random in your mouth. YDI

By Starfire22 | 5

#658151 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:14

o yum