Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and...

By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party a fly flew into my mouth. I spit it out, and in an effort to wash out my mouth I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

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By Nalya - 9/1/2009 03:38 - France

Today, my boss told me that we are having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

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By jakeeey - 18/1/2013 01:16 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By hoser - 21/2/2010 10:01 - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - 18/7/2014 16:49 - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By josh - 19/9/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I found out that I had my first born child. It's a boy. I found out on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By Broon - 25/5/2012 19:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

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By amf - 3/6/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 05:29 - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By Slaanesh - 12/12/2008 12:08 - France

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

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By traitor - 23/4/2013 23:04 - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

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By so embarrassed - 5/1/2013 21:56 - United States - South Salem

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He wound up drinking a whole bottle of wine, and when the bill came he drunkenly yelled at the waiter, claiming it should be free, because he's in the military "fighting for your freedom". He's a mechanic in the National Guard. FML

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By Miller_Time - 18/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By Emma-Louise - 20/5/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 20:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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By kicking me while I'm LITERALLY down - 7/11/2017 05:00

Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML

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By hannamacintosh - 25/7/2016 14:13 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By dykerino - 12/10/2014 00:11 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

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By Username - 6/2/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

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By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/1/2011 14:18

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

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By are these people even HUMAN? - 1/8/2013 15:18 - United States - Bristol

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Not now, mom!

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

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By ohdear. - 29/3/2014 23:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By Jack - 3/4/2013 21:40

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By mylifeblows - 19/8/2010 06:15 - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By patrickalamo - 14/6/2011 14:23 - United States

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 22:21 - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I said yes. This caused him to panic, excuse himself, then take it back via text message a half hour later, claiming he'd been drunk. We live together. When he comes back home, it's going to be very awkward indeed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2014 18:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML

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By babysitter - 26/3/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

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By knzknz - 7/10/2011 00:40 - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

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By msamberjade - 30/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By emkatch - 21/7/2009 19:47 - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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Top comments

By perstephane | 4

#658077 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

Gross - but that's why you don't drink random things at parties. That, and a million other reasons...

By perdix | 29

#658081 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:33

You probably gave that fly lung cancer!

COMMENTS

By hk_fml | 9

#658076 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

ahh gross. x.x

The_Pleb | 0

#658092 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:39

Remember kids, smoking kills and so does coke

CFR | 0

#658233 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:10

Nothing like the spread of disease and sharing of DNA to bring a party together.

FarSide | 22

#658376 - Saturday 7 November 2009 0:29

Nice recovery dip-shit. That fly was the healthiest thing you took into your mouth.

fsxman1 | 11

#975310 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 22:17

better than is somebody put crack or pills in the drink and you get nocked out for the night and get raped by ten fat dudes so you can't sit down for a week.... think on the bright side =)

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1463075 - Monday 27 September 2010 6:53

I usually don't pick up a random can at a party. probly full of spit cuz som1 probably already drank from it and did other things.fake

caitlyndeon18 | 10

#2679191 - Tuesday 14 June 2011 14:15

Awh gross. I guess you should of made sure it was actually pop in the can.

By perstephane | 4

#658077 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:31

Gross - but that's why you don't drink random things at parties. That, and a million other reasons...

By bertiebass1 | 5

#658078 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:32

ewwwwwwwwww

By perdix | 29

#658081 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:33

You probably gave that fly lung cancer!

By DovdGraaf | 0

#658089 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:38

Poor dude.... good luck and uh.. you made me feel sick..

By spaaw | 0

#658108 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:47

did you get fries with that?

By Skull_300 | 0

#658111 - Friday 6 November 2009 20:49

When you were leaving, are you there person that was walking thru the Garden and "accidently" sat on a cucumber?

By perdix | 29

#658144 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:08

20 Smokers, 1 Can < 2 Girls, 1 Cup

Airch | 9

#658252 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:24

naaah dude, never seen the state of a can after a couple of fag buts go in there? the liquid turns black...

perdix | 29

#658263 - Friday 6 November 2009 22:35

Have you seen 2 Girls, 1 Cup? Even a textual description is enough to make you sick.

And I have seen what happens when people "dipping snuff" use a Coke can as a spitoon.

Both are thoroughly disgusting.

By boredomkills89 | 0

#658150 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:14

next time something like this happens, remember the beer in american pie. that will make you think twice about putting something random in your mouth. YDI

By Starfire22 | 5

#658151 - Friday 6 November 2009 21:14

o yum