Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third... - FML

By mrwilly - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

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In-laws, in-fighting

The View

Expanding universe

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML

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By help me - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

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By arknvl - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

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By madari - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

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By ? - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

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By Joshua Sheldon - Australia - Adelaide

Today, while working alone, I decided to just try some random impressions, and so I ended up doing a French accent when a customer walked in. To avoid embarrassment, I had to continue faking the accent as he struck up a long conversation with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my unemployed boyfriend and I went to the casino. I gave him twenty dollars to play on. He won $1000 on a dollar machine then jackpotted the ten dollar machine for $20,000. When we got home he broke up with me. I have been working two jobs to get our own place. Move in Date?? 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the gnat infestation in my dorm room was not caused by the recent cool weather, but rather the rotten pear I found under my roommates bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

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By crushed - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

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By Tonya - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

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By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By fuck you with a bacon cock - United Kingdom - Forres

Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML

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By CatLover - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By a - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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By stupiddrunk - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valencia

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

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By flowerchildd2 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

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By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

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By sore - Ireland

Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By married to a bipedal husky - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

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By ohgawd - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

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By jenjam

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

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By nobabies

Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML

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By RyoKioKio

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 14:01

Stalker vibes

Today, a woman who has a history of being horrible came into my work. I had to help her, so I was determined to be so nice that she couldn't possibly complain about me, like she has about several co-workers before. Apparently, I was too nice. Now she loves me and wants me to help her every time she comes in. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 12:00

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By thxmom - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By independence - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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Top comments

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6160655 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:59

Just make sure you have some lube in case Willy wants to visit his chocolate factory.

By challan | 19

#6160687 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:43

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do...
He has the perfect penis for you.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee...
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down cum?
Eating and getting it in the bum.
Why are you at getting terribly sore?
Because he thinks your his personal whore.

COMMENTS

By paolino_fml | 18

#6160651 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

keiNan_fml | 35

#6160666 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:09

he's a digger

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6160695 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:57

more like he's a crazy, but crazy is good

By GatherTheMice | 15

#6160652 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:57

Is that not seductive enough for you?

Reply

jazman195 | 20

#6160719 - Friday 2 January 2015 14:42

My ex used to call his the "Dark Knight" because "bitches love it when the Dark Knight rises"

I kinda liked it haha

By tehman117 | 21

#6160653 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:57

Is he a private in the penis millitary? and is his last name johnson?

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6160655 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:59

Just make sure you have some lube in case Willy wants to visit his chocolate factory.

Reply

challan | 19

#6160687 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:43

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do...
He has the perfect penis for you.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee...
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down cum?
Eating and getting it in the bum.
Why are you at getting terribly sore?
Because he thinks your his personal whore.

Reply

AnalAssassin1 | 14

#6160689 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:46

I giggled.

Reply

keiNan_fml | 35

#6160777 - Friday 2 January 2015 15:42

you my friend are one of a kind

Reply

dakid87 | 10

#6160814 - Friday 2 January 2015 16:44

Brilliant! You won the internet for today

Reply

xninix_fml | 36

#6160885 - Friday 2 January 2015 18:28

@15 that was amazing :D

Reply

challan | 19

#6161083 - Saturday 3 January 2015 0:02

thanks 39 :)

By JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6160662 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:06

I'd suggest you watch out for wet Willys.

Reply

quickit | 24

#6160673 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:26

Wouldn't want willy going inside your ears.

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6160669 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:14

So I guess you could say you had a threesome

By Greenteamextreme | 16

#6160671 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:17

Surely he wouldn't have a problem with 'Miss Vagina' then?

By tranced_ | 44

#6160678 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6161857 - Saturday 3 January 2015 20:45

oh how original of you to say something so old and stupid!

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6160681 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:38

Well Mr.Willy and Ms.Kitty should try have some kind of weird tea party you'll either both doe laughing or maybe he'll stop XD

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6160696 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:59

are you ok?

By coming back in the future | 30

#6160684 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:40

I bet you willy want him to stop.