Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third... - FML

By mrwilly - 2/1/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

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Who's a good boy?

British Broadcasting Corporation

Time for the ER

By Goldo - 22/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2012 23:08 - United States - New Kensington

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 16:41 - United Kingdom - Houghton Le Spring

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

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By porkeater - 16/7/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

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By unlucky - 6/2/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By Sailorjoe - 25/8/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By thesadone - 3/7/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

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By Nicked - 25/4/2009 11:50 - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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By ChessNut - 27/11/2018 12:00

Today, a girl I'd been crushing on for a little while and I were talking about autism. Some of the last words she said were "I try to not find autistic people so fucking annoying, but I can't help it. But can you blame me?” I'm autistic. FML

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By VacationRuined - 16/6/2013 23:22 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories". FML

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By cargaljen - 17/5/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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By mcpeepants - 8/1/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By ohmylordy - 29/10/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 19:54 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 17:01 - Netherlands

Today, my wife and I went shopping for new glasses at a local store, but we didn't really get to actually buying one. On our way back, she warned me that my glasses of choice should in no way be 'those big arty ones'. When I asked her why not, she told me that I 'look gay enough already'. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 00:54 - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By mandy - 5/9/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By Chels - 18/8/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 23:58

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

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By letmefallasleep - 1/4/2020 14:00

Checks and balances

Today, I found out my husband has racked up $3000 on our credit cards, and ruined my credit score. When confronted, all he had to say was, "Well you didn't tell me when you bought that ten-dollar t-shirt, so I guess we're even." FML

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By FenRackety - 10/5/2013 12:37 - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

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By alucas3 - 29/5/2016 20:14 - United States

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

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By stinkypits - 23/6/2020 14:00

The pits

Today, I started six weeks of radiation on my left axillary region. Besides not being able to shave my armpit, I also can’t use lotion of any kind near the area, nor wear deodorant. This wouldn’t be a problem except it’s summer and I live in Southern California. The sweat is killing me. FML

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By Lolly - 12/9/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

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By Annoyed Student - 9/4/2013 23:09 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By needanewphone - 22/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

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By savioyr - 15/8/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

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By emily074 - 23/8/2015 03:13 - United States - Salem

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

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By really - 26/3/2017 00:00

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

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By hejdixjeln - 17/3/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 20:30

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2015 14:20 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

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Top comments

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6160655 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:59

Just make sure you have some lube in case Willy wants to visit his chocolate factory.

By challan | 19

#6160687 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:43

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do...
He has the perfect penis for you.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee...
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down cum?
Eating and getting it in the bum.
Why are you at getting terribly sore?
Because he thinks your his personal whore.

Comments

By paolino_fml | 18

#6160651 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

keiNan_fml | 35

#6160666 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:09

he's a digger

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6160695 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:57

more like he's a crazy, but crazy is good

By GatherTheMice | 15

#6160652 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:57

Is that not seductive enough for you?

Reply

jazman195 | 20

#6160719 - Friday 2 January 2015 14:42

My ex used to call his the "Dark Knight" because "bitches love it when the Dark Knight rises"

I kinda liked it haha

By tehman117 | 21

#6160653 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:57

Is he a private in the penis millitary? and is his last name johnson?

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6160655 - Friday 2 January 2015 11:59

Just make sure you have some lube in case Willy wants to visit his chocolate factory.

Reply

challan | 19

#6160687 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:43

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do...
He has the perfect penis for you.
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee...
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down cum?
Eating and getting it in the bum.
Why are you at getting terribly sore?
Because he thinks your his personal whore.

Reply

AnalAssassin1 | 14

#6160689 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:46

I giggled.

Reply

keiNan_fml | 35

#6160777 - Friday 2 January 2015 15:42

you my friend are one of a kind

Reply

dakid87 | 10

#6160814 - Friday 2 January 2015 16:44

Brilliant! You won the internet for today

Reply

xninix_fml | 36

#6160885 - Friday 2 January 2015 18:28

@15 that was amazing :D

Reply

challan | 19

#6161083 - Saturday 3 January 2015 0:02

thanks 39 :)

By JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6160662 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:06

I'd suggest you watch out for wet Willys.

Reply

quickit | 24

#6160673 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:26

Wouldn't want willy going inside your ears.

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6160669 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:14

So I guess you could say you had a threesome

By Greenteamextreme | 16

#6160671 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:17

Surely he wouldn't have a problem with 'Miss Vagina' then?

By tranced_ | 43

#6160678 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6161857 - Saturday 3 January 2015 20:45

oh how original of you to say something so old and stupid!

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6160681 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:38

Well Mr.Willy and Ms.Kitty should try have some kind of weird tea party you'll either both doe laughing or maybe he'll stop XD

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6160696 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:59

are you ok?

By coming back in the future | 30

#6160684 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:40

I bet you willy want him to stop.