Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got...

By Concussed - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

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52582

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Health

Serious times

Honesty is the best policy

Countdown

By nevergoingonabusagain - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

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76994

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By zacharynedley - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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32617

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By $$$ - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

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61740

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By stillfuckingcrying - Sweden - Kristdala

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38718

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By robotzzz - France

Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML

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49575

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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31462

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By BestBF - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61152

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By Uhg

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2174

You deserved it

369

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By Daddy_issues

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5210

You deserved it

259

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By tailgaterhater - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20945

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By ouch - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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27548

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 17:01 - Canada

Logic 101

Today, my 17-year-old daughter didn't do the laundry. Her excuse? "If it was meant to be done, it would have done itself." This is the same daughter who yesterday tried convincing me she was responsible enough to get a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1414

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227

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1505

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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1002

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148

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By lebowski101 - Canada

Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37769

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2985

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54758

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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30782

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10413

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By ImOverHere - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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31788

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13786

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1248

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By nosexforthee - United States - Katy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43492

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By outsmartedbykids - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51554

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By soo

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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26149

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By a268 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39167

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3288

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By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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63350

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1856

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138

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By Anonymous

Halved

Today, I went to the hair salon to get a fresh trim before receiving my master's diploma. The hairdresser managed to shave off half my eyebrow. FML

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1504

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By TooInnocent - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

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10872

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By ocdeane - Germany - Mainz

Disgusting

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

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1479

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239

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By Wisconsin love - United States

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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45843

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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10671

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By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Brisbane

At the top of desire

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2037

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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29650

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By klifestyle2012

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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4988

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By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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33959

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By doubleCoupon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend excitedly told me about the number of guys who are romantically interested in her. I realized how pathetic my life is when all I could talk about in turn was the number of coupons I got to use today at the store. FML

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45435

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By Tjop - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

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46578

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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29974

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By tbw - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25012

You deserved it

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By I-love-my-tea - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26956

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Top comments

By shadowzraptor | 0

#779538 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:25

im never showering again haha ): that sucks

By iKaite | 0

#779841 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:08

A soap. In the shape of a bar. Moron.

COMMENTS

By shadowzraptor | 0

#779538 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:25

im never showering again haha ): that sucks

EmilyCi | 0

#779749 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:08

Murphy was an optimist.

voodootrucker | 0

#779817 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:52

what the hell is a bar of soap?

iKaite | 0

#779841 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:08

A soap. In the shape of a bar. Moron.

mmlprsh | 0

#779860 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:18

Bless you.

Maybe switch to liquid soap?

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#780128 - Sunday 17 January 2010 18:50

I have never read about someone failing so many times in less than 5 minutes.

Gobsnoglin | 0

#780688 - Sunday 17 January 2010 23:32

To #1 - Move to France, you will blend right in.

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#781394 - Monday 18 January 2010 5:07

YDI for sneezing in a shower.. Using shampoo and soap at the same time.. Banging your head on the wall twice (were you listening to heavy-metal?).. Turning off the tap while attempting to stand up.. And for waiting for the water temp to change, before you got out or turned the hot tap off.. Get yourself a showering coach and hop back in for round two..