Health: Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got...

By Concussed - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

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Health

People are strange

The road to hell…

Rock and a hard place

By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, I found out that my roommate is starting a religion in which he doesn't believe in humanly things, such as paying rent. FML

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By mairelys - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By master6

Today, I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

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By Nathan - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

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By Divorce?

Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML

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By anonymous - 15/11/2020 05:02 - United States

Don't blame me

Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML

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By Timmy - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By Pregnant - United States

Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 11:02 - United States

Pleased to meet you

Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, "You're pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you." My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé's parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

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By juliette - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

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By archer - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

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By ashamed - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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By htx91 - United States - San Antonio

Today, after opening a letter from the VA, I found out that I have to pay back all the money I earned last year in the Army. I just spent $500 on Christmas presents. Payments start in January. FML

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By Superdumb

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 15:30 - United States - Durham

Get out of there!

Today, after I can't count how many times, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to break MORE things in our home, because I asked him not to let our son speak to me rudely. His response, "He said 'OK' so you should have shut up." Basically, he's raising my kid to treat me like he does. FML

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By rinakitty94 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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By seriously_CAT

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

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By Steve - 3/4/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Don't be a dingdong

Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML

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By RoxMySox - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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By not impressed - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 13:58

Good news

Today, I had a bit of good news with a letter that stated we were owed money by overpaying Council Tax. I phoned them, announcing myself. However, it turns out we actually owe THEM money, due to an error they made giving me and my husband a discount we weren't entitled to. FML

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By greattt - United States

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

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By Anonymous

I am the law

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:02 - United States - Brush Prairie

Well done Cooper

Today, my phone chose not to deliver a message to my girlfriend. This isn't the first time either; It has a habit of failing to deliver or receive messages to/from her, making it look like I'm ignoring her by not responding. It only does this with her, none of my other contacts. My phone may be trying to sabotage my relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By Anonymous

Jot that down

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 20:06 - United States - Orange

For the union makes us strong

Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML

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By dating a fking cnt - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

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By aussiegirl - 15/10/2020 08:02 - Australia - Sydney

Vibe check

Today, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after being severely bullied and harassed at my workplace. It was also today that my fiancée told me I was “creating really negative vibes.” FML

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By bummer.. - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

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By freckleboy422 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By LanaStidolph

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

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Top comments

By shadowzraptor | 0

#779538 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:25

im never showering again haha ): that sucks

By iKaite | 0

#779841 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:08

A soap. In the shape of a bar. Moron.

COMMENTS

By shadowzraptor | 0

#779538 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:25

im never showering again haha ): that sucks

EmilyCi | 0

#779749 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:08

Murphy was an optimist.

voodootrucker | 0

#779817 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:52

what the hell is a bar of soap?

iKaite | 0

#779841 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:08

A soap. In the shape of a bar. Moron.

mmlprsh | 0

#779860 - Sunday 17 January 2010 16:18

Bless you.

Maybe switch to liquid soap?

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#780128 - Sunday 17 January 2010 18:50

I have never read about someone failing so many times in less than 5 minutes.

Gobsnoglin | 0

#780688 - Sunday 17 January 2010 23:32

To #1 - Move to France, you will blend right in.

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#781394 - Monday 18 January 2010 5:07

YDI for sneezing in a shower.. Using shampoo and soap at the same time.. Banging your head on the wall twice (were you listening to heavy-metal?).. Turning off the tap while attempting to stand up.. And for waiting for the water temp to change, before you got out or turned the hot tap off.. Get yourself a showering coach and hop back in for round two..