Transportation: Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving... - FML

By katie - France

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

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Triage

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Broke Mama - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

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By - Australia

Today, as I walked out of a club, I slipped in my new shoes and spilled my chicken, chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people see me do this, but my dress is ruined. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By andjusticeforall - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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By lumacsp - United States

Today, I stopped at the light when someone crashed on to my motorcycle making me fall. The guy claimed it was my fault because I stopped too fast. I got really mad, so I attempted to spit on his face and was ready to start a fight when I noticed that I forgot to lift the helmet shield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By hatinthelife - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Chey - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By loser

Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

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By 0ptimu5 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By Maestro - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By ruffrider - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

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By lowlife123 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother found out that I'm three months pregnant. She told my boyfriend to put it up for adoption, and now wants a paternity test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By guest - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

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By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By Imdeadlmaokillme - United Kingdom - Twickenham

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

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By Nick

Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended up scaring her so badly that she refused to leave our bed all night long, even to pee. I have to clean the mattress now. FML

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By Stormbringer

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

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By Uggghhh

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By Krash The Koopa - 2/12/2020 11:58 - United States - Litchfield Park

Convoluted storyline

Today, I discovered that the actress who played a girl I have a crush on faked her résumé. Not only that, but she wasn’t even interested in acting, she just wanted a job. And boom, she also voted for Trump. And I STILL have a crush on her character. FML

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By Isabelle18 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

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By love_today - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By NewMom

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By marenthehollow - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

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Top comments

By Caz_the_Spaz | 6

#803402 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:40

Hopefully your teacher will understand, espically if you have bruises from falling and everything. It still sucks though.

By maskedman | 9

#803416 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:46

Show your teacher this FML. He would have to believe you then.

COMMENTS

By martyshay | 0

#803397 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:40

lol

By Caz_the_Spaz | 6

#803402 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:40

Hopefully your teacher will understand, espically if you have bruises from falling and everything. It still sucks though.

Reply

guckylynn | 19

#803543 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:34

People walk in late for class all the time. Who really cares?

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#803782 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:13

^ agreed

Reply

RaKum12 | 0

#803923 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:09

agree with #14 n jessxoxo28 is hot

Reply

fudrick | 0

#803975 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:30

Wow, #36, way to cream your pants over a mediocre looking girl over the Internet.

Reply

Instanguy | 0

#804069 - Thursday 28 January 2010 6:07

ha

Reply

ActionManly | 11

#804272 - Thursday 28 January 2010 8:02

I think fudrick is hot

Reply

bloodhoundbambam | 0

#804280 - Thursday 28 January 2010 8:13

1 #40

By Skaternate77 | 0

#803403 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:40

ouch hahahahhahahahhaha

By D_Thr33 | 0

#803407 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:42

as far as I know leaving the heat on won't warm up your car until the engine is warm anyway

Reply

xFattyxWhalex | 0

#804129 - Thursday 28 January 2010 6:38

no shit. are you dumb on purpose?

Reply

superHydrate | 4

#804285 - Thursday 28 January 2010 8:16

as far as I know, when your key is at that keyhole thing in your car, the car won't lock. unless you turnoff the engine, get the key off the hole thing, and put it on the seat. if that's what happened the you don't need to go to that class, that won't help you. ever. again. in your life. not curable state of mind.

Reply

Cupcaken | 0

#804334 - Thursday 28 January 2010 9:11

yes it will? cars actually CAN lock when turned on. idiot.

Reply

idkweird | 0

#805062 - Thursday 28 January 2010 19:01

#59, only certain cars have that feature. A lot of cars can lockwhile they are running.

By sexypancake | 0

#803409 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:42

Night class blows.

By maskedman | 9

#803416 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:46

Show your teacher this FML. He would have to believe you then.

Reply

mattis78 | 0

#803429 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:51

Do this. Would seriously be funny

By boltman24 | 0

#803421 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:47

lol damn bad luck

By the_duce | 0

#803445 - Thursday 28 January 2010 1:57

lame

By jk0ng | 0

#803472 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:06

FAIL!

By girlzrule94587 | 0

#803480 - Thursday 28 January 2010 2:10

lol. this made me laugh, but it musta hurt