Love: Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Instadrama

You can't win sometimes

By SunBed - 11/5/2020 17:00

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

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By lonelyandbored - United States

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

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By thoughtcrimeno1 - United States

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

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By thatguythere858 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By cloudberry - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By She totally did not cheat

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By Rebecca - United States - Bloomfield

Today, my mom admitted that the only reason she took me out for lunch was because she felt guilty over going on a massive shopping spree for my sister while I was forced to stay home alone. I thanked her for the Wendy's meal anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

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By Overprotected - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By nsb124 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

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By Broken Arm - 6/12/2020 14:01

Reality is weirder than fiction

Today, I found out that while it is unlikely you'll break your arm by catching it in the door, it is perfectly possible. FML

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By notpreggers - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By MsCobb - United States - Columbus

Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML

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By "sanza666"

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat when a huge, tattoo-covered man wearing nothing but denim booty shorts and a wife-beater sat down beside me. He stared at me for a while, before telling me all about how I reminded him of his "first prison bitch." FML

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By FirstStringQB - United States

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

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By thatchick3333 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

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By Steve

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

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By Anonymous

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By Katz

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

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By notacashier - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By Dumbass Dude

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

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Top comments

By stormy0307 | 16

#7684133 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:35

Why did you invite him?

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7684146 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:08

Why was he there anyways? You should've cut connection with him if you aren't apart of the KKK anymore. Let's hope she still said I do and you were able to explain yourself.

COMMENTS

By upthera | 6

#7684132 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:33

The fuck

By stormy0307 | 16

#7684133 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:35

Why did you invite him?

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7684269 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 20:21

I assume he just showed up uninvited.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7684145 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:06

Ya this needs a follow-up so what happened did u get married? and good for you to mature to adulthood

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7684146 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:08

Why was he there anyways? You should've cut connection with him if you aren't apart of the KKK anymore. Let's hope she still said I do and you were able to explain yourself.

Reply

indienerdgirl | 27

#7684160 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:31

* I realized he said he married her so ignore my I do comment lol

By lexos | 16

#7684152 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:16

Videos or it didn't happen

By hiddenUSERNAME | 27

#7684155 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:21

so you didn't tell your 'wife' about your past. that's douchee

By middlenamefrank2 | 4

#7684183 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 16:35

Congratulations on your belated "reformation". It does take courage to admit being so wrong about something, and taking the painful steps to correct what you can.

But yeah, that topic should DEFINITELY have come up with your now wife long ago.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7684184 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 16:36

So your black wife didn’t know that you were once a part of the kkk? That seems a bit unfair...I feel like that could’ve been a deal breaker. Good luck, OP...you’re gonna need it.

By melisssa87 | 30

#7684201 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:08

Surprises are nice but not thar kind and not on a wedding day

By superlloyd | 15

#7684205 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:12

you think the kkk is a political group? someone still has some growing up to do.