Love: Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

Miss me yet?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

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By bready - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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By SarahAnne

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I think I'm average looking. He told me that it was OK, unless he wakes up tomorrow with some standards, I'm good enough. FML

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By Julieworld

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading through a local wedding mag's advice page. A mother-in-law to be was writing about how to handle wanting her son to break off his engagement. I thought, "Wow. That must suck. I'm glad I like my mother-in-law to be." And then I saw her name. FML

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By worksucks,Iknow.

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By nixwolfwood

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By hungry? - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

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By

I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By anon... - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

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By Pissed - New Zealand

Today, I was standing in the gas station, pulling out my wallet to pay the $100 of gas I just filled my car with. I opened my wallet and found a note saying "borrowed money for food". FML

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By unbelievable - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By skyhigh - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By Baby_girl - United States

Remember bars?

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

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By DocKreso - Croatia - Split

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

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By gonnabeunemployed

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 02:00

Caught!

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, thanks to a friend's TikTok account. FML

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By WalkTheOtherWay - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

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By hockeymango57

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By Insomniac - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By Lifetime Presents: - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's for the third time in a week for a huge growth under my jaw. I have seen an urgent care doctor, an emergency room doctor and an ear, nose and throat specialist who all gave me different diagnoses. I've so far spent $300. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Envy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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Top comments

By stormy0307 | 16

#7684133 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:35

Why did you invite him?

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7684146 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:08

Why was he there anyways? You should've cut connection with him if you aren't apart of the KKK anymore. Let's hope she still said I do and you were able to explain yourself.

COMMENTS

By upthera | 6

#7684132 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:33

The fuck

By stormy0307 | 16

#7684133 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 14:35

Why did you invite him?

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7684269 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 20:21

I assume he just showed up uninvited.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7684145 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:06

Ya this needs a follow-up so what happened did u get married? and good for you to mature to adulthood

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7684146 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:08

Why was he there anyways? You should've cut connection with him if you aren't apart of the KKK anymore. Let's hope she still said I do and you were able to explain yourself.

Reply

indienerdgirl | 27

#7684160 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:31

* I realized he said he married her so ignore my I do comment lol

By lexos | 16

#7684152 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:16

Videos or it didn't happen

By hiddenUSERNAME | 27

#7684155 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:21

so you didn't tell your 'wife' about your past. that's douchee

By middlenamefrank2 | 4

#7684183 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 16:35

Congratulations on your belated "reformation". It does take courage to admit being so wrong about something, and taking the painful steps to correct what you can.

But yeah, that topic should DEFINITELY have come up with your now wife long ago.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7684184 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 16:36

So your black wife didn’t know that you were once a part of the kkk? That seems a bit unfair...I feel like that could’ve been a deal breaker. Good luck, OP...you’re gonna need it.

By superlloyd | 15

#7684205 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:12

you think the kkk is a political group? someone still has some growing up to do.

By soulreaper12296 | 28

#7684209 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:29

And he was invited why?

Reply

interesting33 | 36

#7684422 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 2:24

he might have gatecrashed?