Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades... - FML

By hardtoignore - 3/10/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, after reading about seduction techniques, I wore shades and a brightly colored shirt to a club to attract female attention. However, the sunglasses rendered me almost blind, and I tripped over a step, crashed into tables, and thanks to the shirt, everyone saw it happen in glorious technicolor. FML

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Serious times

True hero

This is fine

By farrahfarrest_ - 2/7/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By Crusty - 19/12/2012 20:53

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By yeahno - 31/10/2010 16:10 - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

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By gabby - 13/12/2009 17:30 - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 00:19 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML

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By ken - 3/12/2018 15:30

Today, I took my girlfriend to a festival. The very first thing we saw when we got there was a guy being wheeled away by paramedics. She freaked out and demanded we leave. FML

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By iluvjenknee - 22/1/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML

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By XavierLing - 23/7/2019 06:00

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

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By acme - 4/10/2012 06:20 - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By boringhusband - 8/5/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By Foreveralone - 15/10/2019 00:01

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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By headdesk - 25/6/2014 05:41 - United States - Kaneohe

Today, I picked up a co-worker from the airport. As she got in the car, she looked over at me and said, "I'm still not sleeping with you". This was our second conversation. The first is when she asked if I could pick her up from the airport. FML

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By taylor_eileen - 26/12/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

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By WhyMe - 9/4/2017 22:00

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2016 17:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2016 21:01 - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2012 15:02 - Australia

Today, I took my child to the park. Having been there an hour, another mum came up to me and we started talking. She then told me that one kid had been harassing her children, pointing to my child. When she asked which one was mine I pointed to a random kid. It was hers. FML

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By thanks mom - 3/5/2019 14:00

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

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By embarassedmuch - 30/10/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By asnolt - 24/5/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 23:16

You just don't understand art

Today, I walked in on my roommate with his pants down at his ankles, taking a picture of his poop. This would've been less disgusting if we'd been in the bathroom, not the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2016 19:46 - United States

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

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By Max - 9/4/2014 18:32 - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Enni - 27/8/2016 08:47

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2012 10:38 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

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By someone - 1/4/2014 19:21 - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By DreeStahr - 30/9/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By Mr_Yato - 19/1/2016 20:07 - United States

Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By guessthatsatrickthen - 31/10/2015 17:19 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

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By mobster - 26/7/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

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By asstomouth - 29/5/2010 18:20 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 06:44

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 21:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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By A.J. - 13/4/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

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By AKN - 29/1/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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Top comments

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3381170 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:49

You sure attracted attention.

By perdix | 29

#3381263 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:06

Which is why you don't. . .

*lowers sunglasses*

Crash, thud, thud, "watch out, asshole!," Ouch, oof, tinkle, moan, gasp.

wear your sunglasses at night.

COMMENTS

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3381170 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:49

You sure attracted attention.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3381231 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:59

At first, I thought it said, "while reading about abduction techniques."

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#3381242 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:01

Do you want a cookie or something?

Reply

fabian21 | 0

#3381260 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:06

Well, I guess you'll have more luck next fall. Get it? Fall, Autumn? No?

Reply

D37H100 | 5

#3381277 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:08

16, No.

Reply

bonnie789 | 1

#3381280 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:08

Shades in a club?

Reply

Gema2dicks | 0

#3381314 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:18

This is why I don't watch Jersey Shore. :/

Reply

linstar | 13

#3381343 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:28

Exactly whose seduction techniques where these? The Todd's?

Reply

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3381366 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:34

Did anybody else read this as "Today, I thought I was a bird, so I put on some really bright colors and went out in search of a mate. When I tried to fly, I came crashing down back to reality. FML"?

Just me? Ok, I'll go back to my corner now.

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3381576 - Monday 3 October 2011 12:02

Thumbing your comment up,
Is like giving yourself a high five.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3381951 - Monday 3 October 2011 14:12

I don't see what people find so great about clubs they're dark crowded They play bad (in my opinion) music really loud And dumb shit like this happens

Reply

mr_torch91 | 1

#3382245 - Monday 3 October 2011 15:57

Sounds like you read a book on how to be a douche.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#3382310 - Monday 3 October 2011 16:12

Douche.

Reply

swimchica22 | 0

#3383131 - Monday 3 October 2011 21:00

74- thumbing your comment down is like giving you a kick in the balls.

Reply

ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3383164 - Monday 3 October 2011 21:11

the things guys do for attention.. smh,

Reply

rottentomatoes | 7

#3383278 - Monday 3 October 2011 22:13

Wearing sunglasses inside? Who does that?

Reply

GodsLittleMistak | 8

#3383303 - Monday 3 October 2011 22:37

109 Whoever wrote that "seduction for dummys" book apparently :)

Reply

PopsicleLicker | 0

#3383919 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 2:11

you know who wares shades inside clubs? people on drugs.

Reply

babyfireball77 | 14

#3384833 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 7:12

Op, is your name "the Situation" ?

Reply

da_cookie_monsta | 1

#3385428 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 7:52

Congratulations, you've won the annual award for douchebaggery of the highest degree.

Reply

R34luver | 5

#3386734 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 15:41

WARNING: Wearing Dark Shades in a Night Club Gives You the False Impression of Being Cool

By kyliebear | 15

#3381187 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:53

You should've just been yourself. Would've worked realistically.

Reply

Beeftinkle | 13

#3383480 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 0:23

Who the fuck told you to wear shades indoors? Sounds to me like you are retarded ;/

By SoCalKay | 3

#3381191 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:54

YDI, you're trying too hard haha

By perdix | 29

#3381195 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:54

Which is why Cory Hart was only a one-hit wonder and is much more successful playing baseball for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Reply

coltsrock37 | 15

#3382831 - Monday 3 October 2011 19:16

Zing! Fellow Wisconsinite, let's go Crew!

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3382951 - Monday 3 October 2011 20:05

He plays baseball?.. I need to get with the times.. *goes back to wearing his sunglasses at night*

By ollie179 | 21

#3381197 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:54

Hey! Look at that sexy beast!

*trip*

Oh...

Reply

frozenshake | 5

#3381420 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:57

Lol he was pea-cocking! :D

Reply

stronghand0331 | 17

#3383258 - Monday 3 October 2011 21:55

His sunglasses were cock-blocking! :D

Reply

cbdee | 8

#3390241 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 8:52

His shirt was... Well technicolor!!!

Reply

hellojazzii | 0

#3778475 - Saturday 24 December 2011 1:20

the "Oh..." made it perfect. xD

By kyliebear | 15

#3381204 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:55

Aaand, did you not try on the glasses before you bought them to check for vision ability?

Reply

baby610 | 4

#3382449 - Monday 3 October 2011 16:55

I'm sure op did check, but he was in a club where it's much darker.

By Geneside | 8

#3381213 - Monday 3 October 2011 8:56

Dont belive everything you read xD

By nick347b | 6

#3381237 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:01

That's a shady seduction technique.

By fthislyfe | 22

#3381247 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:02

If those techniques actually worked, no one had to worry about anything in life.

By khaya | 9

#3381253 - Monday 3 October 2011 9:04

That's what happens when you get seduction techniques off a website with a option for braille.