Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid...

By stinkystinky - 12/8/2016 17:32

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Dangling modifier

Mixed signals

By jroberts - 25/1/2011 15:25

Today, I was watching TV in my living room while my wife was cooking. I began to smell the aroma of her potato soup, which made me hungry. Suddenly, I realized that the smell wasn't my wife's cooking but was in fact my body odor. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

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By rainedaddy - 29/9/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By iamlauraheremecry - 27/1/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By oink401 - 5/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

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By unprofessional - 13/4/2015 05:20 - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

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By ThanksMum - 14/2/2012 11:56 - United Kingdom

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

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By omg - 25/3/2011 00:43 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

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By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By re2K5 - 25/7/2009 16:39 - Korea Republic of

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 04:00

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By needmorelocks - 3/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2015 20:10 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By CessnaPilot - 13/12/2011 03:47 - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

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By The Last Cockbender - 6/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

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By JK - 1/2/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

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By pierced - 1/5/2016 17:56 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

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By douglas - 17/7/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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By jameen - 25/8/2013 12:50 - United Kingdom - Tadley

Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML

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By Zinfandel - 7/8/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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By - 13/1/2020 18:00

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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By cc10 - 19/10/2009 11:50 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By unlucky - 29/3/2014 23:06 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By Jolene - 26/12/2012 14:32 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2014 21:53 - United States - Springboro

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

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By iamgodzilla - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By Brown345 - 11/5/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

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By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By NotMacklemore - 13/2/2015 04:59 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

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By music man - 25/2/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

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By Anon - 27/7/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By boundandgagged - 13/1/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

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By Jacoobic - 5/7/2019 20:00

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

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Top comments

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#6670750 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:50

Does your roommate know they have appliances built specifically for drying clothes? It's literally called a dryer. Even if he doesn't want to do that, hang them up and let them air dry. Using the ventilation ducts could be potentially dangerous, especially if he's storing them in there.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6670751 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:50

Well on a plus side, you got an excuse to give your house a massive spring clean..

COMMENTS

By InfiniteSunshine | 32

#6670750 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:50

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6670751 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:50

Well on a plus side, you got an excuse to give your house a massive spring clean..

Welshite | 39

#6670752 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:51

That's a plus?! I try to find excuses to NOT clean.

xyris_fml | 28

#6670754 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:54

#3 Yeah the work sucks but the payoff sure is nice. At least OP gets to enjoy that part of it!

Welshite | 39

#6670755 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:57

I just torch the place. Then I set up another cardboard box and wait until I need to clean again.

By TonierShadow | 19

#6670756 - Saturday 13 August 2016 17:58

He was trying to air them out.

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6670771 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:16

i prefer the ceiling fan. i like to air dry my clothes

By H4H | 15

#6670784 - Saturday 13 August 2016 18:53

I had a roommate who'd hide scented candles in our ducts. It was fine until the candle heated up the duct and when he went to take it out, he gave himself second degree burns