Intimacy: Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a... - FML

By Ennui - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

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Dangling modifier

The smell detective is on the case

Bitch ass move

By btg - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By iGotSkill - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML

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By BagelShmear - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By HaleyIsabelle - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

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By me - United States

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

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By pothole - United States

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By FoodNeeded - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Booted

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Aggie_De - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 23:00

Bad job

Today, I confirmed that my professor hates me. Weeks ago, I failed a paper for the first time, so I went to my professor, apologized profusely, and discussed my revision plan. I got his approval on my conclusions and added all the details he suggested. I then submitted my paper. I got my grade this morning: C-. FML

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By gaga - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending about 5 grand on my home studio over the past year, I realized I have no musical talent whatsoever. FML

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By MEW - United States

Frustration level: infinity

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

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By Birthday Surprise - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

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By Jerf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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By da man - Canada

Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friends stomach. It was my Principal. FML

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By puppielover - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By Well, crap - Denmark - Kongerslev

Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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By thairsha - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 05:01

Rookie mistake

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

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By diapermommy - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By that’s what you get - 5/8/2020 17:02

Food for thought

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

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By "Caroline Ballard Turner"

Chili beans

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

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By Anonn - Australia

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

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By ihatewalmart - United States

Live Laugh Love

Today, while at work, I saw a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said, "Yep… that just happened," and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML

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By Nick - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

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By CaptainSosuke - United States

Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

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By dontask

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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By Me - United States - Homer Glen

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

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By notsosexy - 18/7/2020 08:01

Alexa, play "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye

Today, I attempted to have amazing birthday sex with my boyfriend in his dorm room. Everything was going great until we tried switching positions. I hit my head so hard on the bunk above his bed that I gave myself a concussion, and blacked out. Needless to say, the moment was ruined. FML

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By konichiwa - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#877237 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?

You've been hit by a Smooth Criminal.

By DGross | 8

#877235 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Go to his house tonight... romance him till he falls asleep then grab your stuff back, kick him where it hurt and tell him to go Fu*k himself... problem solved

COMMENTS

By Lordlucian | 0

#877164 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:09

1st!

Reply

NeonWar__ | 0

#877180 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

YDI for lettin yourself get romanced by a fecker.

Reply

theian01 | 3

#877247 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:23

Call the cops. Give his name and where he lives. Easy as that.

Reply

djsledgehammer | 0

#877278 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:28

fyl for having to copy other fmls cuz ur 2 stupid to b original

Reply

Melkezidech | 0

#877368 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:09

Don't worry, as soon as your boyfriend sees the kinky sodomy in your browsing history.......he'll probally be aroused. Nevermind then, FYL indeed.

Reply

Jny_fml | 0

#877398 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:22

stupid slut

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#877497 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:23

Agree with 10 and 26. Why would you think he was sincere? You didn't know what kind of person he was? YDI but FYL anyway.

Reply

Cristaderzi | 0

#877523 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:39

What can the cops do?
its her fault for being so carelesdً!!

Reply

Fedor_fml | 0

#877542 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:48

hunt him down

Reply

FatalWedgie | 0

#877544 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:51

hi everybody!

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#877650 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:40

# 6 said it all

Reply

Mehness | 0

#877861 - Sunday 21 February 2010 6:32

Fail, #69, fail

Reply

FMLowLife | 0

#878288 - Sunday 21 February 2010 10:13

win

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#878644 - Sunday 21 February 2010 14:11

hi :D

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5122950 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 6:18

That sucks, OP. I hope you find out who had stolen your money, laptop, and ex-boyfriend.

By yeahidgaf | 0

#877166 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

first!!!:D and fuck that bitch FYL never date people like that

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877182 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

fail.

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877195 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

sorry, wrong comment.

Reply

Guerilla8 | 0

#877208 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:16

fail

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#877289 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:32

your boyfriend is a bipolar escape artist

Reply

Gaz717 | 0

#877774 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:38

Texas! Called it!

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#878228 - Sunday 21 February 2010 9:44

i would've stayed if u weren't so ugly, btw i wasn't me who stole ur laptop and money it was ur dad, who thinks ur ugly too.

By kooner55 | 0

#877169 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

3rd!

By sd3tris | 0

#877170 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

was it reqd? think 5 times before u decide.

Reply

afatmonkey | 0

#877946 - Sunday 21 February 2010 7:22

YDI it for having toasterphillia. That's just wrong.

Reply

pepper3434 | 0

#879553 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:04

He's your ex right? You guys broke up two days ago... Your not very bright are you? YDI

By Underground818 | 0

#877171 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

damn that sucks

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#877593 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:14

YDI for being a dirty whore!

Reply

comatoast | 0

#878822 - Sunday 21 February 2010 15:44

That's funny as hell. Hope you liked the dick bitch because that's all he left you with

By kallielou | 10

#877176 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

3rd, u should never hook back up with exes... or this will happen :P

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877194 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

but angry sex/ makeup sex is the best sex

Reply

juniorsgay | 0

#877449 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:46

yes it is.....but sierously u can get ur stuff back

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877754 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:31

agreed

By MrHankey0123 | 0

#877179 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

4th?

By Lordlucian | 0

#877181 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

xD comment removed! FYL OP

By samantha_durano | 6

#877185 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

that user! fuck him that stupid little bitch fuck.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#877301 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:37

I think she already did

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#877311 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:41

hahh, true.

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#877320 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:45

haha. 38 ftw! :D

By snowking_fml | 0

#877186 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

ouch. shit happens