Intimacy: Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a... - FML

By Ennui - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

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Late term

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Added flavor

By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

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By Invisible - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By Plush - France

Today, a work colleague announced that she is organising a bit of a party. She says, in front of everyone, that I'm not invited to "avoid ruining the vibe". FML

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By leahbeuhh - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I could tell she really enjoyed it, because she muttered "Well, that was disappointing." afterwards, then got dressed, said she'd made a huge mistake, and asked me not to call her again. Yep, total stud. FML

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By yeah - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were role playing when her mum walked past the slightly open door, saw me, and chased me out of the house for stealing her baby's innocence. I was only wearing a red speedo. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By WhyMe

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By WhoLikesPie - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

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By Creep - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

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By Mmorgan771 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, at work, a customer told me how unprofessional my piercing made me look, and insisted that someone else wait on his table. It's not a piercing, it's a mole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

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By timmyb - United States

Today, i walked into starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, " NO". There was a 'now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By notababymama - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By whitechocolate - United States

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

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By stuck - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

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By GeorgiaBOYY - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

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By dhskkf - United States

Today, it was the day of my wedding. I had a massive headache a couple of hours before the ceremony so I decided to take a nap. I told my brother to wake me up an hour before it started. He forgot. Now everyone thinks I ran out on my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

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By Susan - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

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By Mars - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

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By airplanes-suck - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year old daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "the talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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By laner

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

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By FourKnees - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

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By stupidgirlll - United States

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

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By WhatTheF

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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By stolen-car - United States - Columbia

Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

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By "axon Impulse"

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong! Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

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By das_shizzle - 5/5/2020 23:00

Wake up call

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

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By banj0 - United States - Madison

Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML

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By Third trimester - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#877237 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?

You've been hit by a Smooth Criminal.

By DGross | 8

#877235 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Go to his house tonight... romance him till he falls asleep then grab your stuff back, kick him where it hurt and tell him to go Fu*k himself... problem solved

COMMENTS

By Lordlucian | 0

#877164 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:09

1st!

Reply

NeonWar__ | 0

#877180 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

YDI for lettin yourself get romanced by a fecker.

Reply

theian01 | 3

#877247 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:23

Call the cops. Give his name and where he lives. Easy as that.

Reply

djsledgehammer | 0

#877278 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:28

fyl for having to copy other fmls cuz ur 2 stupid to b original

Reply

Melkezidech | 0

#877368 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:09

Don't worry, as soon as your boyfriend sees the kinky sodomy in your browsing history.......he'll probally be aroused. Nevermind then, FYL indeed.

Reply

Jny_fml | 0

#877398 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:22

stupid slut

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#877497 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:23

Agree with 10 and 26. Why would you think he was sincere? You didn't know what kind of person he was? YDI but FYL anyway.

Reply

Cristaderzi | 0

#877523 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:39

What can the cops do?
its her fault for being so carelesdً!!

Reply

Fedor_fml | 0

#877542 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:48

hunt him down

Reply

FatalWedgie | 0

#877544 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:51

hi everybody!

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#877650 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:40

# 6 said it all

Reply

Mehness | 0

#877861 - Sunday 21 February 2010 6:32

Fail, #69, fail

Reply

FMLowLife | 0

#878288 - Sunday 21 February 2010 10:13

win

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#878644 - Sunday 21 February 2010 14:11

hi :D

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5122950 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 6:18

That sucks, OP. I hope you find out who had stolen your money, laptop, and ex-boyfriend.

By yeahidgaf | 0

#877166 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

first!!!:D and fuck that bitch FYL never date people like that

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877182 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

fail.

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877195 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

sorry, wrong comment.

Reply

Guerilla8 | 0

#877208 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:16

fail

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#877289 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:32

your boyfriend is a bipolar escape artist

Reply

Gaz717 | 0

#877774 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:38

Texas! Called it!

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#878228 - Sunday 21 February 2010 9:44

i would've stayed if u weren't so ugly, btw i wasn't me who stole ur laptop and money it was ur dad, who thinks ur ugly too.

By kooner55 | 0

#877169 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

3rd!

By sd3tris | 0

#877170 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

was it reqd? think 5 times before u decide.

Reply

afatmonkey | 0

#877946 - Sunday 21 February 2010 7:22

YDI it for having toasterphillia. That's just wrong.

Reply

pepper3434 | 0

#879553 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:04

He's your ex right? You guys broke up two days ago... Your not very bright are you? YDI

By Underground818 | 0

#877171 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

damn that sucks

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#877593 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:14

YDI for being a dirty whore!

Reply

comatoast | 0

#878822 - Sunday 21 February 2010 15:44

That's funny as hell. Hope you liked the dick bitch because that's all he left you with

By kallielou | 10

#877176 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

3rd, u should never hook back up with exes... or this will happen :P

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877194 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

but angry sex/ makeup sex is the best sex

Reply

juniorsgay | 0

#877449 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:46

yes it is.....but sierously u can get ur stuff back

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877754 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:31

agreed

By MrHankey0123 | 0

#877179 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

4th?

By Lordlucian | 0

#877181 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

xD comment removed! FYL OP

By samantha_durano | 6

#877185 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

that user! fuck him that stupid little bitch fuck.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#877301 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:37

I think she already did

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#877311 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:41

hahh, true.

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#877320 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:45

haha. 38 ftw! :D

By snowking_fml | 0

#877186 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

ouch. shit happens