Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a... - FML

By Ennui - 20/2/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

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Higher standards

Reliable

All for nothing

By Stiffed - 7/4/2016 09:19 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

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By krh14 - 10/2/2015 12:59 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2013 19:08 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I came home to find my parents wearing Santa hats and blasting Christmas music at full volume. So begins three months of hell. FML

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By UptoHERE - 4/2/2010 03:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

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By jamienicole1993 - 5/2/2015 01:21 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 04:00

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By Rohirus - 7/6/2012 23:09 - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By MJB - 2/4/2017 22:00

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

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By Not so much of a teachers pet - 22/10/2014 20:55 - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

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By Chesty Larue - 7/8/2015 00:29 - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By ooblie - 8/12/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, after receiving a lovely massage from my boyfriend, I was lying topless in bed beside him. Just as I was thinking this would be the perfect opportunity for some intimacy, he looks at me and says, "my mom is SO awesome." FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By Zero_TAlent_ - 29/3/2016 20:27 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

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By Typrokka - 22/10/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

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By susan - 24/2/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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By BigPurplePresent - 28/7/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 21:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2012 11:02 - United States

Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my girlfriend and a few others. The card that was drawn was labeled "pathetic". Among other cards that were laid down in attempts to be similar to "pathetic" was my girlfriend's card. She won with a create-a-card labeled "my sex life". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2011 08:17 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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By Swedishsummer - 8/5/2016 21:54 - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By terdberglerforlyfe - 7/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2013 20:21 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

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By FBI1236 - 7/7/2019 20:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

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By Telemarket - 4/4/2012 10:58 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By birdmagnet - 25/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By djshahso - 26/2/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

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By kinkyapparently - 22/10/2015 14:47 - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, my husband broke his toe after tripping over a dog toy. Instead of telling the doctors what happened, he said it was "sex related". I had to sit there, beet red with embarrassment, getting weird looks while he giggled to himself. FML

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By CantWin - 7/6/2016 22:38 - United States - Provo

Today, after finally applying myself and busting my butt all semester, I found out the school is accusing me of cheating because they couldn't believe I could have gotten near-perfect grades considering my grade history. If this is how society rewards academic turnarounds, why do I even bother? FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - 1/7/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By yeaokay - 29/10/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 16:11 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

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By stpry of my life - 27/2/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 year old niece, and she was really down in the dumps because she didn't get invited to a birthday party. To cheer her up, I took her to Chuck E Cheese. Right when we arrived, we walked in on a birthday party. It was the one that my niece got denied from. FML

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By TheIVkindaruinsthemood - 5/8/2015 18:58 - United States - Milford

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

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By ironyisabitch - 2/6/2012 05:43 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML

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By killmenow - 10/9/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By seeking new employment - 7/1/2016 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#877237 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?

You've been hit by a Smooth Criminal.

By DGross | 8

#877235 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:22

Go to his house tonight... romance him till he falls asleep then grab your stuff back, kick him where it hurt and tell him to go Fu*k himself... problem solved

COMMENTS

By Lordlucian | 0

#877164 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:09

1st!

Reply

NeonWar__ | 0

#877180 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

YDI for lettin yourself get romanced by a fecker.

Reply

theian01 | 3

#877247 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:23

Call the cops. Give his name and where he lives. Easy as that.

Reply

djsledgehammer | 0

#877278 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:28

fyl for having to copy other fmls cuz ur 2 stupid to b original

Reply

Melkezidech | 0

#877368 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:09

Don't worry, as soon as your boyfriend sees the kinky sodomy in your browsing history.......he'll probally be aroused. Nevermind then, FYL indeed.

Reply

Jny_fml | 0

#877398 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:22

stupid slut

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#877497 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:23

Agree with 10 and 26. Why would you think he was sincere? You didn't know what kind of person he was? YDI but FYL anyway.

Reply

Cristaderzi | 0

#877523 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:39

What can the cops do?
its her fault for being so carelesdً!!

Reply

Fedor_fml | 0

#877542 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:48

hunt him down

Reply

FatalWedgie | 0

#877544 - Sunday 21 February 2010 3:51

hi everybody!

Reply

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#877650 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:40

# 6 said it all

Reply

Mehness | 0

#877861 - Sunday 21 February 2010 6:32

Fail, #69, fail

Reply

FMLowLife | 0

#878288 - Sunday 21 February 2010 10:13

win

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#878644 - Sunday 21 February 2010 14:11

hi :D

Reply

Googolman | 29

#5122950 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 6:18

That sucks, OP. I hope you find out who had stolen your money, laptop, and ex-boyfriend.

By yeahidgaf | 0

#877166 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

first!!!:D and fuck that bitch FYL never date people like that

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877182 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

fail.

Reply

youdidwhatnow | 0

#877195 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

sorry, wrong comment.

Reply

Guerilla8 | 0

#877208 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:16

fail

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#877289 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:32

your boyfriend is a bipolar escape artist

Reply

Gaz717 | 0

#877774 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:38

Texas! Called it!

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#878228 - Sunday 21 February 2010 9:44

i would've stayed if u weren't so ugly, btw i wasn't me who stole ur laptop and money it was ur dad, who thinks ur ugly too.

By kooner55 | 0

#877169 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

3rd!

By sd3tris | 0

#877170 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:10

was it reqd? think 5 times before u decide.

Reply

afatmonkey | 0

#877946 - Sunday 21 February 2010 7:22

YDI it for having toasterphillia. That's just wrong.

Reply

pepper3434 | 0

#879553 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:04

He's your ex right? You guys broke up two days ago... Your not very bright are you? YDI

By Underground818 | 0

#877171 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

damn that sucks

Reply

Eddie_Paints | 0

#877593 - Sunday 21 February 2010 4:14

YDI for being a dirty whore!

Reply

comatoast | 0

#878822 - Sunday 21 February 2010 15:44

That's funny as hell. Hope you liked the dick bitch because that's all he left you with

By kallielou | 10

#877176 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:11

3rd, u should never hook back up with exes... or this will happen :P

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877194 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:14

but angry sex/ makeup sex is the best sex

Reply

juniorsgay | 0

#877449 - Sunday 21 February 2010 2:46

yes it is.....but sierously u can get ur stuff back

Reply

snowking_fml | 0

#877754 - Sunday 21 February 2010 5:31

agreed

By MrHankey0123 | 0

#877179 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

4th?

By Lordlucian | 0

#877181 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

xD comment removed! FYL OP

By samantha_durano | 6

#877185 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

that user! fuck him that stupid little bitch fuck.

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#877301 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:37

I think she already did

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#877311 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:41

hahh, true.

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#877320 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:45

haha. 38 ftw! :D

By snowking_fml | 0

#877186 - Sunday 21 February 2010 1:12

ouch. shit happens