Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray...

By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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Intimacy

Fear factor

This is us

Fairytale ending

By LadyGagasLOVER - 8/8/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 13:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Control freak

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

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By Oze - 18/2/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

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By Oddity_C - 25/11/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

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By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By PureFallPain - 23/11/2019 20:00

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, after weeks of watching car after car of solo drivers go by in the carpool lane every day, I decided to join them. I'm the one who got pulled over. FML

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By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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By laststand11 - 22/11/2011 22:36

Today, my mom used "happy Thanksgiving break" and "we sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

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By embarrassed - 31/1/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

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By Moon_Glade - 3/6/2017 16:00

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

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By Decisions6 - 16/4/2020 05:00 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

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By PeePee - 3/7/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 00:49 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By MagnusDeus - 7/6/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

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By notliked - 1/10/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

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By Rizmo - 25/9/2016 07:11 - United States - Cedar City

Today, I found out that the loud noise outside my bedroom a few weeks ago was neighborhood kids throwing eggs at my window, landing on the AC. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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By Username - 28/6/2011 20:40 - United States

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

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By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - 5/9/2013 16:39 - Sweden - Solna

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

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By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By anonymous - 22/8/2011 11:04 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

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By kayt240 - 4/5/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

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By musicaddict - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2015 09:26 - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

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By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

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By Tom - 17/8/2011 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

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By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By Ceej - 30/7/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

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By dogshavenipples - 2/6/2010 23:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

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By stubby - 20/1/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

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By assassinmaster - 30/6/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

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By mel - 25/3/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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Top comments

By thesiwel | 0

#3137970 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:46

Lol balls....

By latinking13 | 8

#3138009 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:49

Lol it's not as bad as saying "do you want me to grab your ball sack"

Comments

By thesiwel | 0

#3137970 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:46

Lol balls....

zoraman5 | 3

#3137987 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:48

siwel?

thesiwel | 0

#3137996 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:49

Last name backwards, something I used as a kid and diddnt let go

PushMyButtons | 5

#3138003 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:49

They burst out of his sockets from pure excitement

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3138155 - Friday 19 August 2011 9:05

^^^
lol @ picture relevancy

PrickHead | 0

#3138166 - Friday 19 August 2011 9:08

lol i think this is the same person who likes it hot and sticky but couldn't handle a whole twelve inches...

Sunny_Eclipse | 6

#3138859 - Friday 19 August 2011 12:30

W00T testicles!

giosoto | 0

#3139226 - Friday 19 August 2011 14:50

Open mouth, insert foot.

gojira666 | 7

#3139574 - Friday 19 August 2011 16:06

Open mouth, insert ball bag

ovechkinisbeast | 9

#3145099 - Saturday 20 August 2011 8:56

Can I grab your ball bag? Thats what she said.

Bobthedrunk | 2

#3164992 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 9:00

Classic

By BrittanyB94 | 0

#3137985 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:48

Hahahaha, I would have said the same thing :)

btnhdude | 0

#3138338 - Friday 19 August 2011 9:31

would you have meant the same thing?

canadiata555 | 0

#3138404 - Friday 19 August 2011 9:47

Haha me to :) i do it all the time but no one really makes a big deal out of it... I just realized what i have been saying to my coach for the past 5 years...

Alwayspullout | 7

#3140043 - Friday 19 August 2011 17:11

Except he would have ran away very quickly if you said it...

AbusedTampon | 6

#3140727 - Friday 19 August 2011 18:54

And begged for mercy.

BrittanyB94 | 0

#3147225 - Saturday 20 August 2011 19:07

Thanks

chilearmy123 | 4

#4116498 - Saturday 3 March 2012 7:22

I wouldve said ill clean it for u!

By Skeleton_fml | 1

#3138000 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:49

He wanted it.

SunDropGirl | 0

#3139911 - Friday 19 August 2011 16:50

Only if he's hot!!

SirObvious | 1

#3140756 - Friday 19 August 2011 18:56

YDI for being attractive...

zachherbert | 10

#3143469 - Saturday 20 August 2011 3:44

And he can drop it. Lol I'm liking your picture. I'm from Missouri, where Sun Drop started.

By latinking13 | 8

#3138009 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:49

Lol it's not as bad as saying "do you want me to grab your ball sack"

Blazingcrono | 6

#3138276 - Friday 19 August 2011 9:21

I actually thought she said "would you like me to grab your balls?"

Petronix | 5

#3138653 - Friday 19 August 2011 11:11

Saying that would have made this fml even better.

jackrileymac | 4

#3140168 - Friday 19 August 2011 17:31

Yea I was thinking the same thing

andonceagain | 11

#3141076 - Friday 19 August 2011 20:00

Ball-bag in the UK is exactly the same as ball-sack when used as slang like this.

Jdeluxh | 12

#3142885 - Saturday 20 August 2011 1:09

Well at least she didn't say "do you want me to grab your genitals and run my hand up and down your penis?" on accident.

By imaberry95 | 0

#3138014 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:50

You sure you didn't ask to grab his ball sack...

noncom | 12

#4161737 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 4:15

#8

Bag and Sack mean the same thing over there.

MiLM | 37

#6406926 - Thursday 10 September 2015 17:03

Freudian slip anyone? :P

By sambam_454 | 0

#3138023 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:50

Well did you? (;

By ariannaimelda | 7

#3138035 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:51

Never heard that pickup line before. I think I'll try it out!

johnnybagodonuts | 2

#3138692 - Friday 19 August 2011 11:42

I think it's gonna work

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#3138773 - Friday 19 August 2011 12:11

So 10, do you want me to grab your ball bag?

koe4 | 0

#3139066 - Friday 19 August 2011 13:39

theyre yousor naym iz arianna oar wut evz zo eye theenk shea iz uh gurl. lolz0r @ haytorz.

Alexunited1212 | 2

#3140419 - Friday 19 August 2011 18:18

59 - please shut the fuck up.

all4pooh | 4

#3140763 - Friday 19 August 2011 18:58

59- I think I just lost brain cells reading your comment

maz255 | 10

#3141762 - Friday 19 August 2011 22:24

84 what did 59 say?...at least the jist of it

all4pooh | 4

#3142404 - Friday 19 August 2011 22:49

Awhh they moderated it. Butitz [email protected] sOm3ting s0rtz uv l!k3 d33z butt wurz3. Way worse.

nerdfighteria | 7

#3142727 - Saturday 20 August 2011 0:31

Whoops! It seems you mistook this for MLIA. An honest mistake . . .

ravengirl1234 | 2

#4325171 - Thursday 19 April 2012 5:53

#10 ur from a place called phuket?

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3138037 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:51

He has been waiting for you to ask that for weeks.

qyka | 5

#3142455 - Friday 19 August 2011 23:08

So have I hehehe jkjkjk think b4 say ballbag

Jdeluxh | 12

#3151510 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:42

I got the 69th thumb up.

By Mirorbo | 26

#3138053 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:53

Nothing is sacred anymore. Everything has a sexual innuendo now.

Volke | 4

#3138098 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:57

More or less, yeah.

lizzieislovely | 11

#3138100 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:57

In YOUR endo. *snigger*

yamatelle | 19

#3138561 - Friday 19 August 2011 10:37

26- *Russell Brand singing- Forgetting Sarah Marshall* "You took me by surprise when you let inside of you, insiiiide of you"

tori51090 | 11

#3139486 - Friday 19 August 2011 15:59

Hey if it were badminton, they'd be collecting shuttle cocks.....

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3138058 - Friday 19 August 2011 8:53

Don't forget about the racquet. You can't just leave it lying limp on the ground.