Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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Proactive

Compassion

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By shroooms - 28/7/2011 20:37 - Slovenia

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

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By shizzy09 - 13/4/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By IrisKitty - 18/8/2015 07:07 - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By single - 27/3/2020 05:15 - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

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By whoopsiedoodle - 21/5/2009 12:45 - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By nearly a crazy lady - 12/8/2013 11:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my OCD manager sprayed my hands with chemicals because I touched the bin while throwing away a piece of paper. My hands are now covered in itchy, unattractive rashes. FML

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By chubbs - 28/5/2014 21:07 - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By tealsoda - 21/11/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, a friend convinced me that I should throw a big party and invite everyone to come. After fixing a ton of party food, I sat around and waited for my guests to arrive. No one did. FML

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By zaynemaliksvagina - 24/6/2015 17:10 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

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By Mr.no contacts - 31/3/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

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By "fraz206" - 18/3/2019 16:00

Today, after feeling sick all day at work, my shift was about to end. 20 minutes till I was able to clock out some kid pukes all over herself in the playground. FML

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By shirley - 28/2/2011 02:20 - Spain

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 06:33 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By annoying - 10/1/2012 01:30 - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By hlev24 - 3/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By Barstaff - 24/12/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By thisucks - 28/1/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By Lilly_28 - 11/8/2009 14:01 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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By clothesthief - 3/4/2015 10:44 - Australia - Ivanhoe

Today, I finally had nice enough weather to dry my clothes on the washing line. Two hours later, all my clothes were stolen. FML

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By oink401 - 5/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

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By quit fucking up my life - 23/11/2013 01:08 - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By Notorch - 23/5/2012 15:53 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

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By absentmindedmoron - 27/9/2009 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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By My__life___ - 21/5/2014 00:53 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - 23/11/2014 06:10 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

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By justabitembarrassed - 7/10/2012 14:20 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, my boyfriend learned how to somersault. He now thinks that he's a ninja and somersaults into every room. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 23:00

Remember socialising?

Today, because of this fucking virus I was really excited to actually talk to another person. FML

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By GaymerLink - 12/8/2018 23:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By theydidsmellitthough - 8/2/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

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By dammit - 23/5/2017 04:00

Today, my grandma was arrested for throwing her cane at a man who she thought was mocking her walk. That man was my boyfriend's father, who limps because of his cerebral palsy. He refuses to drop the assault charges. FML

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By tj - 26/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to confront my boyfriend after finding a girl's phone number next to my bed. He said I was over reacting. When I told him it was over, he asked for the number back so he could call her. FML

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Top comments

By rachelfromtarget | 14

#6233220 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:19

idk why people think beating up the other man/women is an appropriate response to their partner cheating on them.

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

Comments

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6233469 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:26

I hope you're not twins. That could be a reason he thought you were him...

Reply

dubleduke | 11

#6233773 - Monday 16 March 2015 12:11

Agreed. Tell the man what happened then offer to help him

Reply

MaT30123 | 19

#6234422 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:42

They're still family so no

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6270129 - Thursday 23 April 2015 0:36

Just because they're family doesn't mean they're not jackasses.

By cactusprick | 19

#6233193 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your bother is a dick for not owning up to what he did and for letting you get beat. Hope you get some kind of an apology OP.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6233457 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:08

His brother wasn't even there to be able to stop the guy, if he was so inclined.

By Grenith | 21

#6233194 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

kick his ass, then kick his ass out.

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 42

#6233307 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:16

I agree. Let's play the telephone game, except with ass-whoopings instead of silly phrases.

Reply

Clayton87 | 13

#6233340 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:57

I like the way you think

By NotPatSajak | 11

#6233195 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

I'd beat the crap of my brother if he didnt ask if I was ok.

By norpedo | 16

#6233196 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

Your brother sounds like a babe

Reply

150493x | 29

#6233714 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:05

And then you'd friend zone the nicer brother.

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6233741 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:26

#77 It's called irony, Jesus Christ...

Reply

Ashd09 | 30

#6233910 - Monday 16 March 2015 16:18

79. It's actually called sarcasm. Very poor sarcasm at that.

Reply

wildgenius | 13

#6233957 - Monday 16 March 2015 17:09

This wasn't funny.

Reply

150493x | 29

#6234019 - Monday 16 March 2015 18:24

My bad #79 that I didn't pick up on the sarcasm. I'll try harder next time.

Reply

norpedo | 16

#6237747 - Friday 20 March 2015 4:22

Guys relax, it really was just poor sarcasm lol

By rayman173 | 2

#6233202 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:11

Wow....peoole today are so shitty it's appalling

Reply

rayman173 | 2

#6233860 - Monday 16 March 2015 14:58

people

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6233210 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:15

Maybe you should demonstrate what happened on your oh-so-caring brother

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6233211 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:16

So a whole system of fuckups happened today

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233497 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:54

haha, that and this entire site.

By kdm_km1 | 19

#6233212 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:17

Well you can't really blame him for being Awesome...

Reply

apineapple | 40

#6233388 - Monday 16 March 2015 2:47

There is nothing awesome about sleeping with another guy's girl, let alone having someone else take a beating for something they didn't do.

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233500 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:56

#9, I don't even wanna know what kind of fools you idolize and look up to.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6234428 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:49

you're 30 and still think that way.. you might need to re-evaluate your morals dude.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6233218 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:18

Maybe he was worried at first until her realized, oh shit. He did this to you and you weren't even the right guy. What the hell is this guy gonna do to me if he gets ahold of me?

Reply

cutycat136 | 28

#6233338 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:52

Am realizing now that I made a mistake and never corrected it before my time ran out :/ so will do so now. He*