Health: Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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Understandable

Season finale

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By wtf1234 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

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By lobotomy pls - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By iamatthewroberts - United States

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

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By JuicyJohn - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By S12Sophia - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

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By ninja_blasphemer - Ireland

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

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By WTFisMyLife

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By eyeleanify - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

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By got any coupons? - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By guamfml - Guam

Today, I was cleaning my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By pleasekillme - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, it has been over 3 months since my housemates ended their 1 month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

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By bugnose

Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with my shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at my victory when it flew into my nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML

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By The Sbeak - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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By KayyElOh94 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By fuck the fucking cops - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

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By holly10350 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to practice driving in my car. As she began to let the car roll forward, she looked at me and very seriously asked, "Brakes is the right pedal, right?" FML

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By so much for romance - United States - Queensbury

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

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By Unlucky. - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By suppressinggags - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

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By heya - Australia - Sydney

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

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By SwaggyP

Today, we got the IQ test results back, which show our daughter is on the high end of the genius scale. This confirms what my wife and I have long feared: our 6-year-old is FAR smarter than we are. No wonder she wins all the arguments we have. FML

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By docwinters - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

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By miss_peppermint

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By abdominates - Canada

Today, after a long workout I come back to my locker, to find my lock had been cut. I looked inside realizing my phone and ipod had been stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, my keys were gone. I ran out to the parking lot to find an empty spot where my car had once been parked. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By Halloweenie - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 08:08

For the life of him indeed

Today, my significant other decided it’s safe to travel to Brazil for Christmas break, even though they are heavily impacted by Covid. He doesn't understand for the life of him why we should skip this year. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I went shopping with my parents. Halfway through, I got separated from them and tried to call them only to find out my cell phone battery was flat. A few minutes later, an announcement was made for a lost child. It was by my parents. I'm 36. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By hobbled - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

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By confused - 9/2/2021 02:00 - United States

Oh, the patriarchy

Today, a coworker grabbed my ass for the third time. I went to my boss to complain about the sexual harassment. He told me to suck it up and enjoy the attention, and that it was my fault for having a huge, round ass. I think it's time for a new job. FML

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By where's the epipen - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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Top comments

By rachelfromtarget | 14

#6233220 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:19

idk why people think beating up the other man/women is an appropriate response to their partner cheating on them.

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

COMMENTS

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6233469 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:26

I hope you're not twins. That could be a reason he thought you were him...

Reply

dubleduke | 11

#6233773 - Monday 16 March 2015 12:11

Agreed. Tell the man what happened then offer to help him

Reply

MaT30123 | 19

#6234422 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:42

They're still family so no

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6270129 - Thursday 23 April 2015 0:36

Just because they're family doesn't mean they're not jackasses.

By cactusprick | 19

#6233193 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your bother is a dick for not owning up to what he did and for letting you get beat. Hope you get some kind of an apology OP.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6233457 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:08

His brother wasn't even there to be able to stop the guy, if he was so inclined.

By Grenith | 21

#6233194 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

kick his ass, then kick his ass out.

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6233307 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:16

I agree. Let's play the telephone game, except with ass-whoopings instead of silly phrases.

Reply

Clayton87 | 13

#6233340 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:57

I like the way you think

By NotPatSajak | 11

#6233195 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

I'd beat the crap of my brother if he didnt ask if I was ok.

By norpedo | 16

#6233196 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

Your brother sounds like a babe

Reply

150493x | 29

#6233714 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:05

And then you'd friend zone the nicer brother.

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6233741 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:26

#77 It's called irony, Jesus Christ...

Reply

Ashd09 | 30

#6233910 - Monday 16 March 2015 16:18

79. It's actually called sarcasm. Very poor sarcasm at that.

Reply

wildgenius | 13

#6233957 - Monday 16 March 2015 17:09

This wasn't funny.

Reply

150493x | 29

#6234019 - Monday 16 March 2015 18:24

My bad #79 that I didn't pick up on the sarcasm. I'll try harder next time.

Reply

norpedo | 16

#6237747 - Friday 20 March 2015 4:22

Guys relax, it really was just poor sarcasm lol

By rayman173 | 2

#6233202 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:11

Wow....peoole today are so shitty it's appalling

Reply

rayman173 | 2

#6233860 - Monday 16 March 2015 14:58

people

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6233210 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:15

Maybe you should demonstrate what happened on your oh-so-caring brother

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6233211 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:16

So a whole system of fuckups happened today

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233497 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:54

haha, that and this entire site.

By kdm_km1 | 19

#6233212 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:17

Well you can't really blame him for being Awesome...

Reply

apineapple | 40

#6233388 - Monday 16 March 2015 2:47

There is nothing awesome about sleeping with another guy's girl, let alone having someone else take a beating for something they didn't do.

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233500 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:56

#9, I don't even wanna know what kind of fools you idolize and look up to.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6234428 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:49

you're 30 and still think that way.. you might need to re-evaluate your morals dude.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6233218 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:18

Maybe he was worried at first until her realized, oh shit. He did this to you and you weren't even the right guy. What the hell is this guy gonna do to me if he gets ahold of me?

Reply

cutycat136 | 28

#6233338 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:52

Am realizing now that I made a mistake and never corrected it before my time ran out :/ so will do so now. He*