Health: Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

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Mystery

Thanks ma

Nooooooo… !

By dgilbs - United States - Grosse Pointe

Today, my friends and I went out to dinner. Being short on cash, I suggested a game where we put our phones in the center of the table and first to check their phone had to pay the bill. Our conversation died out, and fearful of having an awkward silence, I checked my phone. FML

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By ThaBoss12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By nevergonnatrust

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By

Picture game

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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By Clauric - Ireland

Today, the passport office informed me I won't get my passport in time to go on holidays. However, they took the money for the passport out of my account 2 months ago, causing me to go overdrawn, and not pay my travel insurance. The same insurance I needed to get the cost of the holiday back. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By RingofFire - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By jccwell - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By annonymus - United States

Today, I flew to California to visit my younger sister at college. When I got to her house, her boyfriend looks at her and says, "She's not THAT ugly." FML

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By chinchilla4404 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

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By Wheel chair bound - United States - Marion

Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML

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By adad - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

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By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By messyvictor - United States

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

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By confusedbagel - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

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By too cool - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By KiDCuSHi - Canada

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

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By dating a fucking idiot - United States

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

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By Misunderstood - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

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By mylove - United States

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

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By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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By NotJobbing - United Kingdom - London

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

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By barface - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By Pk45 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

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By pizzafaceinc - United States

Today, I woke up with a headache. My girlfriend said it might be from the night before, explaining she punched me while I was sleeping because I was snoring in her ear, and she dreamed a bee was attacking her. I'm not sure if I'm more concerned that she punched me, or that it didn't wake me. FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By Rain

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By SonofMnemosyne - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

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By jello_bellied_snack_snapper

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

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By motherlover - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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Top comments

By rachelfromtarget | 14

#6233220 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:19

idk why people think beating up the other man/women is an appropriate response to their partner cheating on them.

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

COMMENTS

By cakefete2 | 30

#6233191 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your brother is a jerk. Maybe you and the guy who mistakenly beat you could teach him some manners.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6233469 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:26

I hope you're not twins. That could be a reason he thought you were him...

Reply

dubleduke | 11

#6233773 - Monday 16 March 2015 12:11

Agreed. Tell the man what happened then offer to help him

Reply

MaT30123 | 19

#6234422 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:42

They're still family so no

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6270129 - Thursday 23 April 2015 0:36

Just because they're family doesn't mean they're not jackasses.

By cactusprick | 19

#6233193 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:08

Your bother is a dick for not owning up to what he did and for letting you get beat. Hope you get some kind of an apology OP.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6233457 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:08

His brother wasn't even there to be able to stop the guy, if he was so inclined.

By Grenith | 21

#6233194 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

kick his ass, then kick his ass out.

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6233307 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:16

I agree. Let's play the telephone game, except with ass-whoopings instead of silly phrases.

Reply

Clayton87 | 13

#6233340 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:57

I like the way you think

By NotPatSajak | 11

#6233195 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

I'd beat the crap of my brother if he didnt ask if I was ok.

By norpedo | 16

#6233196 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:09

Your brother sounds like a babe

Reply

150493x | 29

#6233714 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:05

And then you'd friend zone the nicer brother.

Reply

EatUrGreens | 20

#6233741 - Monday 16 March 2015 10:26

#77 It's called irony, Jesus Christ...

Reply

Ashd09 | 30

#6233910 - Monday 16 March 2015 16:18

79. It's actually called sarcasm. Very poor sarcasm at that.

Reply

wildgenius | 13

#6233957 - Monday 16 March 2015 17:09

This wasn't funny.

Reply

150493x | 29

#6234019 - Monday 16 March 2015 18:24

My bad #79 that I didn't pick up on the sarcasm. I'll try harder next time.

Reply

norpedo | 16

#6237747 - Friday 20 March 2015 4:22

Guys relax, it really was just poor sarcasm lol

By rayman173 | 2

#6233202 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:11

Wow....peoole today are so shitty it's appalling

Reply

rayman173 | 2

#6233860 - Monday 16 March 2015 14:58

people

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6233210 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:15

Maybe you should demonstrate what happened on your oh-so-caring brother

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6233211 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:16

So a whole system of fuckups happened today

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233497 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:54

haha, that and this entire site.

By kdm_km1 | 19

#6233212 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:17

Well you can't really blame him for being Awesome...

Reply

apineapple | 40

#6233388 - Monday 16 March 2015 2:47

There is nothing awesome about sleeping with another guy's girl, let alone having someone else take a beating for something they didn't do.

Reply

hard_candy | 25

#6233500 - Monday 16 March 2015 4:56

#9, I don't even wanna know what kind of fools you idolize and look up to.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6234428 - Monday 16 March 2015 22:49

you're 30 and still think that way.. you might need to re-evaluate your morals dude.

By cutycat136 | 28

#6233218 - Monday 16 March 2015 0:18

Maybe he was worried at first until her realized, oh shit. He did this to you and you weren't even the right guy. What the hell is this guy gonna do to me if he gets ahold of me?

Reply

cutycat136 | 28

#6233338 - Monday 16 March 2015 1:52

Am realizing now that I made a mistake and never corrected it before my time ran out :/ so will do so now. He*