This Week’s Top 10 Comments Are In And They’re More Sarcastic Than Ever
10. I wonder what kind of language this child will use when he's older.
“When he gets home from work, ask him, "how was my little cocktail weiner's day today?"”
9. He was lazy enough to pee in a can and you were lazy enough to drink from an open can in the floor. You guys are a perfect match.
“The fact that the soda can was on the floor and already opened already sounded suspicious to begin with.”
8. Always put your problems in context.
Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML
“So your husband is gay, at least he isn’t a scientologist.”
7. Are you trying to kill him?
“That’s when you should of replied, “No... I’m only 4 months but the twins are growing fast”, as you watched the color drain from his face.”
“I’m sure pennywise will get it for you”
5. Sharing is caring.
“Wow! That kid is not being brought up right. He should be sharing his drugs with you. Where is basic decency these days, sheesh?!?!”
4. Funny, but let's not hate on Easy Bake Ovens now. A tiny lightbulb cooking a tiny cake is magical fun.
Today, while visiting family with my 3-year-old daughter for Halloween, I was berated, called a feminazi, and barred from all further family functions. Why? I dressed my daughter up as Batgirl instead of a princess. FML
“How dare you! Now go out and buy her an Easy Bake Oven and make sure she understands her role as a woman in 1950's America.”
3. Your family is going to have a long, healthy life together.
“I would sniff out all my options before making any sudden moves”
2. Here's a twofer, because apparently people really care about cakes.
“That’s a confession! Bring him to justice for the atrocities comitted against the cake!”
“YOU DARE MURDER OUR LORD AND SAVOIR CAKE?!!? THOU SHALT BE STONED TO DEATH FOR SUCH CRIMES!!!!”
1. We all struggle with adulting.
“I understand how you feel, I was asked to leave a bouncy castle for being an adult. I'm only 33. FML”
“This has happened to me as well. I took my beer and left.”
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
Today, I wanted to ask a coworker on a date but he was out, so I left an invitation to drinks and an origami flower on his desk. Thirty minutes later, HR emailed me saying that such behavior is unacceptable and I may lose my job. Romance is officially illegal. FML
“Did you just assume his gender?!”
“How can you bring a child into a sick, depraved world where people destroy cakes?”
“I’m guessing she didn’t think to use a soda can?”
Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML
“You whine to HR about an origami flower, things are gonna get ugly. Haven’t you seen “Fatal Attraction?”
DR. DREW PINSKY AWARD
“If it's not yours, don't touch it. If it is yours, always be careful.”
“The FML comments section always has the BEST sex tips.”
SPOILER ALERT AWARD
(in which OP complains about spoilers, then goes on to share them with everyone in the thread)
Today, I posted a blurb on Twitter about why I couldn’t watch tonight’s episode of my favorite show until 3 hours after it airs. Apparently, tonight’s episode had a plot twist 7 years in the making. Everyone spoiled it for me. FML
HELISEXUAL AWARENESS AWARD
“As a person who identifies as an attack helicopter, I find this thread offensive.”
THIS ONE GOES TO ELEVEN AWARD
Today, my faculty mentor for my senior capstone project wasn't at my presentation for the entire department faculty. I assumed his wife or kids were sick, but that piece of shit told me himself that he was at home watching the new season of Stranger Things. FML
“At least, it appears that the show has influenced him. "Friends tell no lies".”
ALWAYS POPS UP ON RELEVANT THREADS AWARD
Today, I was hit by a car while riding my bike, so I called my dad for help. He blamed me for the accident, said he wasn't sure what I wanted him to do, and suggested I call my mom instead. She isn't picking up. FML
“Kick your dad in the balls and tell him to tell someone who cares”