The Top 12 Funniest Tweets Of The Week

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Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML

By Cockroachphobic - 4/4/2020 14:00

Creepy crawlies

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Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

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Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

By Noname - 9/11/2008 09:18 - France

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Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 05:03 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 05:23 - Canada

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Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

By I'm a moron - 27/5/2019 14:03

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Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

By Girl - 19/8/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

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Today, I went skinny-dipping with my best friend. We were on the beach and it was fairly crowded but we got in the water at this really secluded area. While we were swimming I looked up to see a homeless man wearing my clothes, walking away. FML

By cjj325 - 20/3/2009 23:35 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

By Ugly - 20/8/2019 04:00 - Australia

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Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 17:01

Shocking

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Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

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Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

By wtf - 15/7/2009 05:04 - United States

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Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

By hiddenplainly - 24/2/2017 10:00 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

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Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2011 23:15 - France

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Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

By UnhappilyUnemployed - 16/6/2014 22:49 - United States - Madison

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

By Afroman720 - 27/7/2015 18:55 - United States

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Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

By vhtdgjj - 29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

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Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

By Explicit - 13/1/2009 18:17 - United States

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Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

By öKANEö - 2/2/2018 08:00 - United States - San Marcos

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Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2013 17:59 - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

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Today, my mom found out that I've been having counselling behind her back for the past 4 years. I broke down in tears explaining everything. Her response was, "So you go and bitch about me behind my back?!" And she wonders why I'm depressed. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2014 10:11 - United States - San Jose

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Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

By justin bieber's nutsack - 6/6/2015 07:32 - United Kingdom

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Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

By HELP - 7/6/2012 01:25 - United States

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Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

By boyBYE - 16/11/2016 23:30 - United States - Pleasant Grove

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Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

By Beeper - 11/10/2014 19:07 - United States - Champaign

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Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

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Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:18 - United States - American Canyon

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Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

By Username - 10/7/2012 15:27 - United States

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Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

By NoHappyEndings - 30/9/2017 17:15 - United States - Dundalk

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Today, I was feeling really down and decided to text a friend to vent to someone about it. Then I realized, I don’t have any friends. FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2019 05:45

Alone

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Today, I was going into a store and saw a woman roughly handling a screaming toddler. I kept walking, until I heard the kid scream, "Help! You’re not my mommy!” I called 911 and stood behind the car to keep her from taking off. The cops arrived to see me fending off blows from a very pissed off grandma. FML

By tried to help - 7/10/2019 00:01

Stranger Danger!

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Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

By Penny - 18/1/2020 20:00

Animated movies

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Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 22:00

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Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 04:57 - United States - Santa Barbara

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Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

By earplugsplease - 16/5/2013 16:16 - United States - Saint Paul

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Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

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Today, I nervously went to the store to buy condoms for the first time. I felt like everything was going well, and checked out happily. As I was walking out, the cashier lady said to the woman next in line, "He thinks he's going to need condoms." They both looked at me and started laughing. FML

By well crap... - 21/6/2020 14:18

Running commentary

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Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

By only 10 more hours to go - 6/1/2012 11:40 - United States

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