My week when I have a deadline on Friday

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

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By Dontworryaboutit - 28/12/2010 10:16 - United States

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Today, I went to the bathroom and didn't realize my skirt was tucked in my ugliest underwear until I reached the elevator. Thanks for not telling me girl-in-the-yellow-shirt. FML

By Ella - 21/1/2009 17:56 - United States

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Today, I found out that my mother doesn’t visit me because I'm the only sibling without children. She posts all about her wonderful children on social media, but I'm left out. She hasn't set foot in my house since I moved out of hers. FML

By RowanBlossom - 7/7/2020 05:01

The lifescript

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Today, my brother told my 3 year old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML

By Amithatevil - 29/8/2014 12:35 - Japan - Kawasaki

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Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 12:15 - United States

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Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 14:04 - United States - Bel Air

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Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

By SeeTony - 19/11/2009 07:33 - United States

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Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

By scottyboy - 1/10/2016 07:58

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

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Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident to win every time. FML

By SwingingChili - 27/10/2015 05:49

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Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2012 04:36 - United States - Honolulu

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Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

By dangit - 1/3/2010 05:01 - United States

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Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

By makeover-needed - 6/7/2015 21:32 - United States

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Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 00:10 - Australia - Ascot Vale

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Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

By zwillywilly - 10/8/2009 04:03 - United States

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Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 14:52 - United States

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Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

By frenchpop1960 - 23/2/2009 21:58 - United States

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Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

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Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

By Ava777 - 20/2/2009 19:21 - United States

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Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

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Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 16:10 - United States

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Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

By LonelyInLA - 16/2/2009 21:45 - United States

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Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until i realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML

By Sadandphoneless - 23/1/2019 18:00

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Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

By badcook - 24/9/2009 19:10 - United States

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Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

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Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

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Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

By RePete - 4/11/2016 01:44

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Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

By Anonyme - 29/1/2016 22:38 - China - Shanghai

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Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

By deadbunnies - 31/7/2009 22:46 - United States

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Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

By - 18/12/2018 12:00

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Huntsville

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Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

By badtrip - 3/3/2009 03:21 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - 23/9/2015 23:56 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

By Anonymous - 25/11/2016 08:43

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Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

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Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

By EmployeeOfTheMonth - 9/6/2013 23:33 - United States - Montpelier

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Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 18:21 - United States

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Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

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