If Babies Aren't Really Your Thing, You'll Love These 15 Funny Tweets
We get it, in theory. Babies are tiny, unbridled quasi-people. They bounce around and squeak and are cute to look at for a few seconds, but as soon as you hold them the wrong way, or they’re hungry, or god knows what’s wrong with it (you know, since they can’t verbally tell you), it’s hard to see past the fact that they’re no more than saggy sacks of skin whose very survival is as fragile as their mushy skulls.
It’s an unpopular opinion, but some of us are just anti-baby people (not counting baby animals). If you’re one of these people, these 15 hilarious tweets will speak to you.
1. I immediately regret this decision.
I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around— Sweatpants Chet (@House_Feminist) January 22, 2017
2. But I was already halfway to the baby store.
Wife: can you change the baby— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 28, 2015
Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one
3. Very poopy indeed.
science defines a baby as "a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 17, 2012
4. The hold-my-baby version of a trust fall.
yeah sure I'd love to hold your baby, just let me put down my iPhone with a really cracked screen— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) January 16, 2014
5. I just didn't care about your baby.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.— Saucy Kensington ? (@Book_Krazy) June 4, 2014
6. We had a good run.
(Sees Facebook picture of a crush from middle school holding her second newborn)— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 30, 2015
“I guess it’s really over between us."
7. I'd rather not.
Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby?— Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) September 14, 2015
[flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor]
Me: that's ok
8. Hard pass.
Babies are okay if you're into alarm clocks that poop.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 17, 2015
9. I see it has all the usual features.
Friend: [showing baby photos]— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015
Me: Ah yes, very baby
10. Count like a regular person!
oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two— jonbeignet ramsey (@jdelwoo) June 20, 2012
11. How do you like that?
Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"— tina (@tinatbh) July 17, 2015
Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"
Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."
12. A puppy would be nice.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 5, 2015
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
13. Aparently that's considered gross negligence.
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 12, 2014
14. Zip the lip.
1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store— Sweatpants Chet (@House_Feminist) August 31, 2015
15. You're dreams will come true, fam.
probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) November 9, 2015