I Want You to be Happy Day

According to timeanddate.com, "March 3 is I Want You to be Happy Day, a day to set aside selfish thoughts and to make someone feel special and happy." We beg to differ.

Happy Friday, everyone! What kind of week would it be without us bringing you in to celebrate another stupid made-up holiday? I Want You to be Happy Day may seem similar to Random Act of Kindness Day in that it's commonly celebrated by sharing a compliment, but we're going to do things a little differently.

Rather than bore you with the touchy-feely shenanigans, we're going to feature a handful of FMLs about the people that deserve anything but happiness on this, the friendliest of days. Don't feel bad about wishing them ill will; they totally deserve it.


Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML


Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

Terrible Parents

Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML


Today, my cousin left her undisciplined demon-child at my house for Christmas. This child destroyed the other children's gifts and made so much noise that the neighbors called the police. The adults can't really discipline her while her mother is away, so all we can do is apologize in this child's wake. FML


Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML


Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML


Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML


Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML


Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML 


Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML

Thanks for joining me in this little hate journey. I'm sick and feeling bitter about it so it felt unnatural to write about hoping everyone is happy, but you do you. Whether you choose to celebrate I Want You to be Happy Day literally or ironically, I hope you all have a great weekend! I mean it, I promise.

Until next time,

By Cali / Thursday 2 March 2017 16:09 / Netherlands
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