Intimacy and Health: Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis... - FML

By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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Walk on the wild side

You tried

Man's best friend

By Andrew - Canada

Today, there was a meeting at work. I had to give a presentation to my boss and the other attendants. My first subject was on how my 5 year old son got to my briefcase and replaced the contents of it with crayons and a stuffed teddy bear. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

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By frenchie12

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By athletiks - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML

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By 2pale - United States - Humble

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

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By dannytriplet - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By TooFast - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

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By XxFA1LxX - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manhattan

Today, it's the fourth day of my new diet. I told my friends and family to watch me every time I eat to make sure it's healthy. I got so desperate that I hid some chocolates in my pocket then scarfed them down while pooping. FML

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By bowler - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the bowling alley. The manager was busy and asked if I could wait. Let's just say I've never bowled before, and I wanted to know how deep the hole was on the bowling ball. The interview ended with him spitting on my finger, trying to get it out. FML

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By flatfoot - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

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By RatQuiRit

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

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By Rrae

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

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By Rin - United States

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Harker Heights

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

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By Anonymous

recoils in horror

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

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By TheGoodTwin - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

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By Loney

#blessed

Today, I had to let my nosy landlord into my apartment to ensure I didn't have an unapproved guest over. Why? Because she overheard me sneeze, and then bless myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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By NotCuteEnough - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By hair2daygone4ever - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

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By Maddi - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a coffee date with a man I met online. His "friend" had tagged along. We were having a good conversation, until the friend pulls out his laptop and says, "So let me tell you a little bit about our travel business," and talked about a pyramid scheme for an hour. FML

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By whoops - United States - Huntingdon

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Wolcott

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

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By "1DisGR8" - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had the misfortune of getting my period during another exam. And yes, the male professor also noticed this time. FML

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By Derps - Denmark

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

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By Crappit - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By fuq - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

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By aireeahna - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By slumber party for two - 6/8/2020 08:02

Just BFF things

Today, my best friend came to visit from out of state. We had lunch, painted our nails and fell asleep sipping wine and watching movies. It was a perfect girl’s day. My boyfriend is now irrationally angry, because according to him it’s not fair that I can have a girl sleep over and he can’t. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7700241 - Thursday 27 September 2018 16:29

It hasn't shrunk. It's being pulled back by the weight from around your stomach. Lose some weight, and you'll see it'll go back to normal.

By JasonThorn | 18

#7700792 - Friday 28 September 2018 17:14

Excessive weight can also lead to lowered levels of testosterone. Wouldn't hurt to get that checked.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7700241 - Thursday 27 September 2018 16:29

It hasn't shrunk. It's being pulled back by the weight from around your stomach. Lose some weight, and you'll see it'll go back to normal.

By JasonThorn | 18

#7700792 - Friday 28 September 2018 17:14

Excessive weight can also lead to lowered levels of testosterone. Wouldn't hurt to get that checked.

By ThatGuy9679 | 13

#7705354 - Monday 8 October 2018 3:27

it's not so much that it got smaller but rather the fat around it got larger

By RichardPencil | 30

#7705358 - Monday 8 October 2018 3:53

It’s not about a few more workouts, it’s about eating right.

Except for a few chubby-chasers, no one likes a fat bastard.

By RoadRunnerZ | 13

#7705362 - Monday 8 October 2018 4:29

You measured it before

Reply

hellphone_fml | 37

#7705445 - Monday 8 October 2018 9:39

I've measured my man's penis before, he wanted to know

Reply

rodfergie | 18

#7705742 - Monday 8 October 2018 20:51

I tried to measure mine once. It kept on slipping off the microscopes slide.

Reply

Johnny5 | 15

#7706385 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 22:24

And was the result what either of you expected or were you surprised?

By fabs1171 | 23

#7705363 - Monday 8 October 2018 4:34

Your outie has now become an innie and an innie penis is so much harder to work with

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7705375 - Monday 8 October 2018 6:12

Get rid of the truck, gain larger junk. Win/Win

By RichardPencil | 30

#7705376 - Monday 8 October 2018 6:16

Had you been swimming in a cold pool, George?

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7705379 - Monday 8 October 2018 6:25

Isn’t this a repost?

Reply

rodfergie | 18

#7705743 - Monday 8 October 2018 20:52

If it is, it's a short one!

By wtfdaemon | 3

#7705652 - Monday 8 October 2018 17:47

Weight gain doesn't cause that effect, buddy. Maybe get some viagra or something cause your erection game is weak af.

Reply

cazziuz1983 | 9

#7705712 - Monday 8 October 2018 20:01

it does indeed cuase that effect

Reply

JubileeBee | 31

#7706520 - Wednesday 10 October 2018 7:15

viagra can also give him a heart attack