Here Are This Week’s Top 10 Funniest Comments!
10. That's one expensive deli platter.
“Package your meat or you’ll end up with a baby sausage that will cost you the rest of your life”
Today, I narrowly avoided shooting myself in the foot with a nail gun. I considered myself the luckiest guy ever, until I stepped on a plank with another nail sticking out of it, which went right through my foot. Oh well. FML
“ If you'd paid more attention to the Final Destination series, you would've known this might happen.”
-Cassandra Abna Splawn
8. The sarcasm is strong with this one.
“You're right, this is a FML moment. Your father doesn't deserve to find someone he likes.”
7. Words of wisdom.
Today, I tried to fight my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend because she told me he used to beat her. Turns out, she was lying to “impress” me, and her ex has a black belt in taekwondo. I’m in excruciating pain right now. FML
“One word about seeking revenge without knowing 100% that you can beat the victim: Taekwondon’t!”
6. Yet another hazing disaster.
Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML
“Did a bunch of people surround him chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"?”
5. Who can resist that oiled-up naked bod?
Today, on our 5th anniversary, I asked my boyfriend what he loved most about me. He told me with brutal honesty that it's how I look like, act like, and have the same first name as his favourite character from Family Guy. FML
“Aw, I'm so happy for you, Greased Up Deaf Guy.”
4. *raises one eyebrow*
“If he made tomato risotto, no one would’ve been the wiser.”
3. You can tell by the way I use my walk.
Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML
“All you need to stay alive are the Bee Gees.”
2. Tales of a submissive.
“I mean, RichardPencil has been on this app for a decently long time and is very good at comebacks. If getting featured on this is your goal, who's to say you can't take comeback lessons?”
“I tried to get comeback lessons once. When they told me to take my shirt off and lean forwards, I realised that there had been a slight misunderstanding.”
1. ba dum tss
Today, I asked my art teacher why she gave me a 10 on a project, thinking it might’ve been a mistake. She told me I deserved it since I laughed while presenting. My friend got an 80 and he didn’t even present. FML
“I understand why you laughed, your art class sounds like a joke”
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
“It also helps that you have the same name as his favourite character on Family Guy.”
“If you’re feeling at all unsafe, try putting a pair of boobs on your head. I hear great things.”
HOW ORIGINAL AWARD
“I hope you mean EX-brother!”
Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML
“I hope you mean EX-coworker! Wait! You do! Who says wishes don’t come true?”