Here Are The Top 10 Comments Of The Week!

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Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

"You obviously suffer from reptiledisfunction." - Larissa Russo

9. Classy.

By Anonymous

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277

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

"Did you say "I poo?"" - ViviMage

"Or I doo doo?" - Glowworm56

8. * shakes fist *

By Ouchmybum

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216

Today, I was excited to finally receive my Halloween costume in the mail after the one I ordered back in September got lost in transit. Upon reaching my mailbox, I saw the lock had been broken off and my new costume had been stolen. The party is tomorrow. FML

"WASPs are such a pain in the ass, with their “my ancestors came over on the Mayflower — we’re the real Americans” bullshit." - RichardPencil

7. Where's Dora when you need her?

By sluttyfox

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"It's a shame, sluttyfox, you forgot to say "Swiper, no swiping!" Now your own kin has stolen your shit. Better luck next time, OP." - Levi2411

6. We're waiting!

By Gloria Borger - United States - New York

Japanese Temples Use Disco Light Shows To Attract Visitors

That's what the youth wants, right? Right???

Today, my gallstones flared up so badly an ambulance was called. I needed the strongest painkillers they could supply and had even more at the hospital. When my boyfriend came to visit me, instead of comforting words, he told me that "being kicked in the balls is still worse". FML

"You all need Jesus..." - Phillycheeze

"as soon as he gets some disco lights." - EmDizzle2007

5. Username checks out.

By OwieOwie - United Kingdom - Tewkesbury

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Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

"Sounds like an invitation to me... " - Abbusser

4. That's un-beak-lievable.

By Zannanana

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Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

"Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able." - whiskey'swino

3. OP is 95.

By Anonymous

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374

"Which “29th” birthday is this for you?" - RichardPencil

"How many 29th birthdays do you need to celebrate before one sip of rosé makes you start talking to your spleen? I'd say it was that many." - BurnInDemonFire

2. I do my little turn on the catwalk...

By Gloria Borger

Cat Crashes Istanbul Fashion Show Runway (VIDEO)

It's called the catwalk for a reason!

Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML

"I'm too sexy for my fur, too sexy for my fur, so sexy I purr!" - Glowworm56

1. Well alright then.

By Sally - United States

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Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

"God I hate those "buy one get one free" packages. What am I supposed to do with the other one!?" - gublaman

"Stick it in your vagina, apparently." - Dave_Davington

META COMMENT BONUS ROUND

By miji

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Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

"Could they see Jesus in it?" - Itsbeenalong

That's all for this week, folks! Which one was your favorite?

Congrats again to all who made the list, and good luck to everyone for next week!

By Chairman Meow / Saturday 3 November 2018 13:57 / United States

BO Central

Triage

First Dates

By hmmm - United Kingdom - Leicester

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Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

By Tanner - United States - Salem

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Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

By tonedef - United States

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Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

By heartbrokenhaley - United States - Brockton

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Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

By pickit - United States

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

By Still No Ring - United States - Lisbon

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Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

By x0SoReckless0x - United States

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Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

By tequilashot - Brazil - Porto Alegre

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Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

By dinosaurman - Canada

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Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

By gassy - United States

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Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML

By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

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Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message saying that I was unfaithful. FML

By Anonymous - Korea, Republic of - Pyongtaek

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Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

By lawdwhy

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Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

By skywayavenue - Canada

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Today, my 15-year-old daughter asked for a ride to her boyfriend's house. It's the same house I've been driving her to for sleepovers with her friend "Kate" for two years. FML

By anonymous - Canada

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Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

By Shame - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

By Speechless - United States - San Luis Obispo

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Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

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Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

By Shadyblood - Puerto Rico

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Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML

By anonymous - France

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Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

By Lady

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Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

By ManInTrouble - United States

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Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

By sadex

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Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

By Stephanie - United States

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Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

By Nicole - United States - Bozeman

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Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

By Dan

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Today, while working as a parking booth attendant I decided to be nice and offer a woman free parking. I said, "give me a high five and I'll give you free parking since I already did the paper work." She said, "I'd rather pay," with a really disgusted look. I also had to redo the paper work. FML

By ParkingGuy - United States

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Today, I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

By pissedinSwiss - Switzerland

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Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 14:02

I'm not lovin' it

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Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

By apaterra - United States

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Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

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Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

By newly passed, newly grassed - United Kingdom - Birmingham

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Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

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Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

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