Here Are The 17 Funniest Tweets Of The Week!

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Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

By musicyman55 - 19/12/2009 07:48 - United States

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Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

By indefiniteforest - 10/9/2016 04:11 - United States - Hillsboro

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Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

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Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

By bubblezzz123 - 4/9/2009 18:41 - United States

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Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

By adriana - 1/9/2009 16:48 - United States

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Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

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Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

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Today, someone reckoned that I would never be in a relationship. So I made up this whole story about some made up guy named 'Nick' and posted stuff on my Facebook and Myspace that I'm dating him. Now all my friends want to meet him. FML

By ashbox233 - 9/11/2010 04:18 - United States

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Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

By testom - 17/4/2015 18:15 - Netherlands - Rotterdam

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Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

By girlllll - 1/6/2010 12:31 - Denmark

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Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

By good mom - 5/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

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Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

By me - 5/1/2010 16:22 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

By steve - 5/9/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

By Pineapple does go on pizza - 24/8/2018 01:30

Overkill or fair?

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Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML

By embarrassed - 4/1/2016 17:58 - United States - Garden Grove

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Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

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Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

By cmzraxsn - 11/12/2010 19:32 - United Kingdom

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Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

By Noname - 23/2/2009 01:32 - United States

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Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 05:01

Tough love

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Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

By MulticoloredSlug - 13/10/2016 10:57 - United States - Philadelphia

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Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 10:06 - United States

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Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

By SBT1030 - 23/7/2009 11:45 - United States

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Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to see what websites I go on from my computer while I wasn't home. She clicked the link that gave my computer a virus that I just got rid of a few days ago. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 17:52 - United States

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Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

By nutfreak - 12/8/2013 15:24 - United States - Lutherville Timonium

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Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML

By lifesabitch2016 - 24/5/2014 06:23 - United States - Moses Lake

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Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at a convenience store. He didn't show up, because the location was "inconvenient." FML

By Wasthistheplace - 29/6/2019 11:12 - Canada - Winnipeg

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Today, I rang my dad to tell him and my half-sister that I'm finally engaged. I then asked my half-sister to tell my stepmother. Still on speaker, I heard her run upstairs and pass the good news on. My stepmother responded with 'Cery who?', followed by 'So what? I can't stand her'. I'm Cery. FML

By ThatCery - 16/1/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

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Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 00:45 - United States

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Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

By Brian - 16/7/2011 19:19 - United States

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Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

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Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

By anonymous - 5/1/2011 04:17 - United States

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Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

By dire-rear - 16/1/2010 20:19 - Singapore

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Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

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Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

By jobless - 1/12/2015 04:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

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Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

By Willow - 17/6/2011 23:32 - United States

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Today, I started a new job. I lost my work keys and had everyone running all over the building looking for them. We found them, hanging in the last lock I had used. They now all think I'm a nut. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 02:57 - United States

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Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

By ming - 19/8/2018 14:30

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Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 06:35 - United States

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