Here Are FML’s 10 Most Hysterical Comments of the Week!
10. Screw me once, shame on you.
Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML
“Sounds like he screwed you twice....”
9.Starting off the new school year with a bang.
“Your first school trip on the first day of school? You must have broken a record!”
8. No need to jump to conclusions.
Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML
“Relax, OP! Stephen is a very common name, so you’re probably being cheated on with somebody else.”
7. Take it from the hole plugging expert.
“Have you tried a cork?”
6. Handle with care.
Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML
“Drive through delivery--you're doing it all wrong.”
5. Back to the future.
“Today, my siblings and I found an FML that came out a few months before we were born. It describes our situation exactly and explains why our younger sister is so well treated. Glad to know we managed to disappoint you in utero, Ma. FML”
4. Growing up’s no fun.
Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML
“You misspelled "son".”
3. Apparently not.
Today, after much delay, I was finally able to have a meeting with the science tutor my adviser set me up with. Unfortunately, her expertise is in biology. I need help with chemistry. My adviser knew both of these things. FML
“I guess there was no chemistry at all with that science tutor.”
2. You’ve managed to wrangle the magic of Tolkien and Archer in one comment and it’s pure gold.
“Do want ents? Because this is how you get ents!”
1. But, like, really though.
“In Soviet Russia, beds, break-in you!”
META COMMENT BONUS ROUND
“OP needs someone to piss in her ear. Maybe this time it helps.”
Today, I went to get a new pair of glasses made because I broke mine last night. I won't be able to get an eye exam until Thursday. It's Sunday. Looks like I'm driving blind for the rest of the week. FML
“Please don't drive. You already went into your girlfriend's room when you meant to go into Stephen's. We don't want more bad things to happen.”
Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML
“At least he didn't sleep with your father, Stephen …”
IT’S THE FUTURE I CAN SEE AWARD
Today, I'm sharing a hospital room with an 80-year-old. She's a nice lady, but keeps walking around in her hospital gown with no underwear on. I accidentally glanced in her direction as she was bending over. I saw everything. FML
“That's So Raven!”
INCREDIBLY RELEVANT USERNAME AWARD
“You expect sympathy? Fuck you stop putting your penis in everything you see”
QUIT YO BULLSHIT AWARD
“Mmkay, no you didn't”
-Jess Gemi Katt