Happy National Beer Day! Here Are 15 Hilarious FMLs About Everyone&#039;s Favorite Alcoholic Beverage.

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Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

2. Reeeeefreshing!

By Kristen Duncan - United States - Spokane

4450

402

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

3. Someone trademark this ASAP.

By Anonymous

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685

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

4. 0.00% fair.

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Wageningen

5146

333

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

5. Ah, beach life.

By Really? - Australia - Homebush

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1120

Today, at my first AA meeting, my best friend thought it would be funny to burst in drunk and tell everyone that I was the champion at beer pong and that there was a party at my place after my "quitter club" ended. FML

6. Where would you be without supportive friends?

By joeker124 - United States - North Fort Myers

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927

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

7. It could definitely be either one.

By lily_marleen - United States

10045

685

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

8. The worst part is that there was no more beer.

By sayno2mermaids - United States - Denver

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3176

Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

9. Officer, I can explain.

By leaannec30 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

10. Yeah it's time to find a new roomate.

By Anonymous - United States - Valley Stream

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1354

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

11. Sounds like a day to remember for everyone.

By Scarred4lyfe - United States - Fort Lauderdale

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1410

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

12. This is a metephor.

By Anonymous - United States - Abington

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Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

13. Uhhhh and you didn't say anything to them?!

By mn051299 - Switzerland - Richterswil

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Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

14. Seems legit.

By ur_life_dus_suck - United States - Wayne

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Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

15. Nice guys, great guys.

By heart of cold - United States

24012

2026

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

By Nadine / Saturday 7 April 2018 20:21 /

FMLNews

Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Added flavor

By Anonymous - Poland - Polska

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Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

By tarheels526 - United States

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Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

By swmmr - United States

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Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

By - 8/2/2020 01:00

He is worried

1981

220

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

By anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

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Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

By CPN - United States

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9079

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

By NaomiMadison - United States

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Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

By CROCKIN5150 - United States

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Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Foxboro

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Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

By lydiacoolness - New Zealand

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Today, my housemate saw some stuff in the barn, thought I surely wouldn’t be using it, so he stacked lots of lawn furniture on top. The “stuff” in question? Bales of hay. As in, daily food for my horses. FML

By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 13:58

Housemates from hell

712

Today, at 2:30 a.m. I got locked out of my room. I knocked upstairs to get my landlady to give me the spare key. Instead, I woke up the dogs next door who wanted to kill me, so I hid for 5 hours in the enclosed trampoline with some outdoor blankets. They were covered in animal piss. It rained. FML

By Sleepy

1969

651

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

By moxy

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Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

By jealousgirl - United Kingdom

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Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

By nalathelionqueen - United States - North Hills

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Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

By bossgroper - United States

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Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

By moron - United States

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Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

By Sam - United States

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Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

By fail - United States

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Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

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Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

By SBae - United States - Uniontown

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Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I like, who also happens to be my coworker. She told my boss, and they're laughing about it as I type this. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

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Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

By jillydark6609 - United States

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Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

By crop circle galore - United States

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Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

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Today, I found out my job is trying to get me to quit. FML

By yupimher

The long goodbye

1594

137

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

By thatssickkk - United States

27384

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Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

56760

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Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

By SummersEve - United States

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Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

By thatsucks

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Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

By Zack - Israel

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Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

By meganisabella - United States

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Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

By FuckThis - United Kingdom - Cardiff

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Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

By "socially awkward cupcake "

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Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

By Twysted91 - United States - Milford

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Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

By harry - France

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Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

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