Happy National Beer Day! Here Are 15 Hilarious FMLs About Everyone&#039;s Favorite Alcoholic Beverage.

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Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

2. Reeeeefreshing!

By Kristen Duncan - 1/8/2017 20:00 - United States - Spokane

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Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

3. Someone trademark this ASAP.

By Anonymous - 18/5/2017 20:00

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Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

4. 0.00% fair.

By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 00:10 - Netherlands - Wageningen

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Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

5. Ah, beach life.

By Really? - 31/12/2016 01:54 - Australia - Homebush

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Today, at my first AA meeting, my best friend thought it would be funny to burst in drunk and tell everyone that I was the champion at beer pong and that there was a party at my place after my "quitter club" ended. FML

6. Where would you be without supportive friends?

By joeker124 - 18/11/2016 05:55 - United States - North Fort Myers

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Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

7. It could definitely be either one.

By lily_marleen - 24/10/2016 12:58 - United States

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Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

8. The worst part is that there was no more beer.

By sayno2mermaids - 4/8/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

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Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML

9. Officer, I can explain.

By leaannec30 - 10/7/2016 18:52 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

10. Yeah it's time to find a new roomate.

By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:57 - United States - Valley Stream

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Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

11. Sounds like a day to remember for everyone.

By Scarred4lyfe - 28/2/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

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Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

12. This is a metephor.

By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 14:19 - United States - Abington

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Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

13. Uhhhh and you didn't say anything to them?!

By mn051299 - 10/2/2016 09:09 - Switzerland - Richterswil

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Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

14. Seems legit.

By ur_life_dus_suck - 21/1/2016 13:08 - United States - Wayne

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Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML

15. Nice guys, great guys.

By heart of cold - 11/1/2016 09:12 - United States

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Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

By Nadine / Saturday 7 April 2018 20:21 /

FMLNews

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Property law

True hero

By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 20:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

By BatBee - 3/8/2016 02:29 - United States - Princeton

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Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

By Glutton - 28/1/2010 01:29 - United States

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Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - 2/6/2013 10:53 - United States - Jacksonville

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Today, my sister compared me handling the news of recently being told that I have a devastating and very possibly fatal autoimmune disease, to that of a teenager being melodramatic. FML

By Sisterly Love - 2/1/2015 05:37 - United States - Saline

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Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

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Today, I bought a new computer. I gave my old one to my mother. After handing it over and going home, I realised I forgot to change the background picture, a naked photo of my girlfriend. FML

By picaboo - 10/8/2009 16:41 - Singapore

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Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

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Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

By happyeffingbday202 - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

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Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 03:59 - United States - Breaux Bridge

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Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 01:34 - Canada

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Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

By sickofsick - 30/12/2010 03:11 - United States

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Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

By jjcod - 31/5/2014 09:13 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

By Noname - 5/2/2009 23:15 - United States

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Today, I found out that for the past 6 months I have been sleeping next to a dead body. The cremated body of my landlord's father. It was hidden inside a wardrobe that I was not supposed to use. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 17:00

Death at one's elbow

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Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2011 02:01 - United States

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Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 01:55 - United States - Sioux City

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Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 00:00

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Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2018 20:30

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Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

By geedeewhy - 1/1/2019 04:00

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Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2015 01:04 - United States - Oakland

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Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

By Alex - 20/6/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Greenford

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Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

By kiwi - 11/11/2009 22:10 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 19:08 - United States

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Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

By Mudge - 25/2/2016 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 15:53 - United States

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Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

By future teacher - 9/7/2015 06:21 - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

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Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

By lemonlime66 - 1/3/2017 22:00

Look Before You Leap

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Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

By CodyS - 3/9/2013 05:03 - United States - Rocky River

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Today, I came home to find a pregnancy test in my trashcan. I live alone with my boyfriend and I'm not pregnant. FML

By melas303 - 30/12/2013 00:22 - United States

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Today, I received the only love letter I've ever gotten. Too bad it's from the guy who's been stalking me. FML

By Hello - 20/6/2011 05:21 - United States

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Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

By blondie101 - 9/12/2011 06:11 - United States

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Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

By bouncekitty - 20/2/2011 17:04 - United States

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Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML

By z - 7/11/2008 07:14 - Greece

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Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML

By Pat - 22/9/2020 04:01 - United States - Buffalo

New relations

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Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

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Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

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Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

By Francoise3 - 18/3/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

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Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

By Anthony - 14/4/2016 23:15 - France

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

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