FML's Weekly Horoscope - 30th of June 2019

Find out what bullshit the asshole stars and planets have in store for you this week!

 

The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life? Stop having kids. Anyway, lets get on with it.

 

 

Aries

Look to someone younger to reaffirm a solution you'd already considered. Young people may often be idiots, so look out for someone wearing a blue hat. Make a commitment to yourself and take at least one step toward it, especially on Tuesday, a day that you will remember in ten years as one of the most important in your life. Your Mercury is waning, so eat some vegetables on Friday.

Taurus

Accept your fate that you will always come out on top, as long as you keep trying and follow the wisdom of Sylvester Stallone in "Over The Top". You may want a new friend to offer suggestions that you shouldn't follow, or just a friend, at least one. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them on Thursday.

Gemini

On Saturday, you have the choice to make a new start for yourself. This works by looking out for the people around you, and knowing that you've made the right decision if they aren't telling you that you are an imbecile for what you have done. Be aware that your Venus is capitulating this week, which means you should stay hydrated and talk to your neighbors about that weird smell.

Cancer

Now is the time to make a change for the better. At last. It starts this week. It starts by being open and honest with yourself, and realizing that what is best for you is not dying. So, this week, avoid dying. Even if you really feel like it. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this thing called living. You can do anything you want, if you put your penis away in public transport. No one wants to see it.

Leo

Do something meaningful on Friday. Listen to "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure, and dance around. It's a start. You can also begin looking at a given situation from all sides of the equation, whatever that means, and spend time with the people that mean the most to you. You've tried before, and you'll try again, so go for a walk. There's every reason to hesitate, but if your heart says to take cover, maybe you should listen.

Virgo

Are you thinking about taking a big step in a new direction? Then next week is a time you'll remember as a moment you'll regret, and you stood up for yourself for absolutely no reason. Stop engaging in road rage, you may get smacked around the head with a tire iron. Look a little more deeply into any situation that matters, and stop being such a dick. Drink more water, drink less whisky. It's making you nervous and belligerent.

Libra

This week, the Moon will help you realize something important, and it will mean the most to you and your pets. You are a strong, sexy beast, so just get serious and make it happen, especially if you have a name that sounds like a fruit or a shape. Stop listening to alt-right YouTubers and be a real person. Go outside and howl at the sun. Make a meal on Wednesday, and share it with a small child.

Scorpio

Are you weighing your options regarding taking a trip? Some time in the coming week will come the day you finally go to the doctor to have that growth looked at, and though it will be uncomfortable, you'll know whether or not you are destined for eternal solitude or just a course of antibiotics. You may encounter a dog on Saturday. Give it a wide berth, because it will be the reincarnation of someone who hated you. Lucky.

Sagittarius

The stars say that you will come to terms with something you never knew you deserved, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk in your love life. Consider what you will do about this. Think about your failed relationships, and cry for an hour or two. You will feel better. On Saturday, someone will try to get you drunk to ask you for money. Don't drink anything stronger than a jar of olive oil. Look out for Capricorns, they are out to get you this week.

Capricorn

Today you can turn a new page in the book of your life. The way to start is by spending a little less money on shit you buy on the Internat, while saving a bit more for a rainy day, and understanding that you have the power to do the right thing. However, you will feel bloated on Tuesday. Maybe you don't think you're up to the challenge, which is totally true. Don't try to make that dream happen. You know you have the power inside yourself, just not any luck at the moment. Don't be afraid. Yet.

Aquarius

Keep in mind that your Mercury is enunciating, which means that you should watch out for sharp table corners and people who wear those stupid halfway pants that are neither shorts nor trousers. Beware of Geminis, who are good people, but they may not be very smart this week. And if you're going to go as far as fighting with someone, why not go a little further? Start a brawl, especially on Friday. Find something that fulfils you and go with it, like a chocolate bar or a piece of bellybutton lint. Put some lotion on your skin.

Pisces

Before you can find answers for yourself, maybe you should do something for someone in your family. Then you can find what you seek. Stop illegally downloading music and movies this week. Tuesday will bring you what seems like joy, but it's just Jupiter being a prick and giving you a slight buzz every time you walk past a microwave. Ignore all signs of love, you are not worthy of it this week. Or any other week. Call your doctor, you need to get that thing checked out.

 

That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.

 

 

See you next week!

 

By Mystic Alan / Friday 28 June 2019 14:28 /
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