FML's Weekly Horoscope - 20th of October 2019
The week in bullshit
Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life on it? Anyway, lets get on with it.
Get some sweat pants on Friday. This week is going to be about love, but not in a good way. Jupiter is waning on your sorry ass, so strap on a helmet, it's going to get rough. Drink more wine, it's good for your heart muscles as well as a social lubricant. This doesn't apply if you're under 21 in the US, but if you're in a more relaxed country, knock yourself out. Find a cat on Saturday and learn from its wisdom.
Get your dancing shoes on this week because someone from your past is going to try to enrol you in ballet classes. Say no. The risk of bone breakage is high, due to Uranus waxing and the Moon being stationary. Listen to your inner child on Tuesday, maybe you will need to regress a little by eating some candy or fart in a public space. Go for it.
Happiness will elude you this week, except on Wednesday when a spark of light will happen if you allow yourself to eat one thing that you usually refuse. Can you think of such a thing? Your family will be listening to your concerns this weekend, but as usual they don't care, so tell them that this Christmas they can fuck off, you're going to Bali.
Can you see a tree from your bedroom window? Consider giving it a name. Call out to it on Friday when you leave the house, for Saturn says this will bring you luck in love. Careful not to overindulge with regards to alcohol or cheese this week, but try your hand at card games or bingo nights. You will meet a strange man or a hitchhiker who will have a warning.
On Tuesday, a eerie feeling will send shivers down your spine, as if a ghost was trying to communicate something to you. Maybe one is. Maybe ghosts don't exist. Maybe you should listen to the message. The Moon is a ghost in the sky, so maybe the Moon trying to tell you to be kinder to animals and to stop getting shitfaced and pissing on people's cars.
Saturn is influencing your travel plans, especially if you have a car. Be warned, your car may break down on Friday, so shelve those plans of driving anywhere far away. Drink more prune juice. A woman from your past will ask you about something you did involving coffee or a shorter girl, maybe on Wednesday. Be honest.
Children in public transport will get on your nerves this week, especially on Saturday. Yes, they are annoying, but it's the price we pay for other people's libidos. Get a Thighmaster on Thursday, not so much to use it, but to feel good about yourself. Walk more. You will be stopped by the police this week, try not to tell them to fuck off and hide your ACAB badge.
The message of the lord Jesus will be forced upon you this week. Again. You have many people in your life who consider the way you are living to be sinful, but tell them that you will cast the first stone, yada yada yada. You will need to buy batteries. Tuesday will be a good day to call that friend you owe money to. Pay up. Eat some oranges and shit.
If a friend is in need, don't ignore them. Stop being so selfish. Even though Mercury is in retrograde on your ass this week, you will feel the need to be selfindulgent and to stay on your own. This could be a mistake, for there's a chance that a small child will introduce you to what could potentially be one of the great loves of your life. Or a dead rat in a ditch. It's not quite clear yet.
Get some sage and burn it on Friday, for demons and spirits are trying to bring you down to their level. The Moon is stationary over your life and it is ruining your chances for happiness. Try to break free by eating more citrus fruits and reading more theory. Stop watching all TV shows with live studio audiences who laugh too enthusiastically. Monday will be shit.
This week, try to remember to put some trousers on before leaving the house. Mars is in Jupiter, so listen to the howling wind on Friday and Saturday, it will guide you to a new destination. Ignore people who will try to get you to spend money on useless baubles. Make time for friends, if you have any. Family will ask you why you are single. Just point at your face.
The opportunity for a long distance trip will arise, but be wary of the consequences. Do you have what it takes to take on such an endeavor? At the weekend, a wise old woman in a shop will give you some advice on what you could do with your love life. She knows. Listen to her words. Buy some flowers on Tuesday, just for yourself.
That's it for now.
Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.
See you next week!