FML's Weekly Horoscope - 15th of September 2019

Find out what embarrassing stuff the dumbass stars and planets have in store for you this week!


The week in bullshit

Hello and welcome to our regular feature in which we delve into the totally scientific world of the stars and planets, to turn our gaze to the future while gasping in shock. As this is FML, if you're expecting to be told that all is going to be fine, you're in for a shock. Have you seen the state of the planet and life on it? Anyway, lets get on with it.




Look to someone with a weird birthmark to reaffirm a belief you'd already considered. Young people may often start rapping and throwing down slam poetry at you this week, so look out for someone wearing a blue hat to help. Make a commitment to yourself and take at least one step towards it, especially on Wednesday, a day that you will remember in next year as one of the most important in your life. Your Mercury is waning, so eat some vegetables on Friday. Make sure to pet a cat on the weekend, it will bring you luck. Beware of people wearing Joy Division t-shirts on Saturday.


Accept your fate that you will always come out on the bottom, as long as you keep trying. Follow the wisdom of Sylvester Stallone in "Over The Top" this week, turn your cap around and win some arm-wrestling contests. You may want a new friend to suggest things that you shouldn't follow, or just a friend, at least one. There's no reason to think bad things can't happen to you, they can, and will, just be prepared for them on Wednesday. Make some time to catch up on Riverdale, or if you haven't seen it, watch it but don't fall in love with Betty Cooper.


On Friday, you have the choice to make a new start for yourself. Or make some Lego. This works by looking out for the people around you, maybe friends, family or the mailman, and knowing that you've made the right decision if they aren't telling you that you are an imbecile for what you have done. Drink more water. Be aware that your Mars is capitulating this week, which means you should stay funky and talk to your neighbors about that weird smell in the basement. It might be a dead dude. Read some theory. Go for more walks around the neighborhood, you will meet a ghost from the past who will have a warning about Saturday.


Now is the time to make a change for the better. At last. It starts this week, especially on Tuesday. It starts especially by being open and honest with yourself, and realizing that what is best for you is not dying from downing too many shots at the bar and smoking vape. The gubberment is right, they are bad for you. So, this week, avoid dying. Even if you really feel like it. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this thing called living. You can do anything you want, if you put your penis away in public transport. No one wants to see it. Thursday, an old woman will call you. Listen to her.


Do something meaningful on Friday. Listen to "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure, and dance around. It's a start. Feel the love. You can also begin looking at a given situation from all sides of the equation, whatever that means. Spend time with the people that mean the most to you. Or pets. Pets are better than people. A small child will ask you for help this week. Say no, because it will open up the gates to Hell. You've tried before, and you'll try again, so go take a dump. There's every reason to hesitate, but if your colon says to take cover, maybe you should listen.


This is the week for being carefree! Are you thinking about taking a big step in a new direction? Then next week is a time you'll remember as a moment in your life that you'll regret, and you stood up for yourself for absolutely no reason. Stop engaging in road rage, you may get smacked around the head with a cricket bat. Look a little more deeply into any situation that matters, and stop being such a wuss. Drink more water, drink less Red Bull. It's making you nervous and stammer. Switch off your phone and listen to Jupiter while you meditate 10 minutes a day.


This week, the Moon will help you realize something important, and it will mean the most to you and your nuts. You are a strong, sexy beast, so just get serious and make it happen, especially if you have a name that sounds like a disease or a shape. Stop listening to YouTubers and be a real person. Go outside and howl at the Moon. The Moon is your friend this week. Make a meal on Wednesday, and share it with an old lady who lives nearby. Listen to some music made by people who are now dead, like Daniel Johnston, David Berman or Ronald Reagan.


Are you weighing your options regarding taking a trip to some far away land, or even just a neighboring town?  Don't. Just pack, and go. Jupiter is looking over you with a big old eye. You'll be OK, sort of. Just don't talk to people with green shirts and/or eye patches. Some time in the coming week will come the day you finally go to the doctor to have that growth looked at, and though it will be uncomfortable, you'll know whether or not you are destined for eternal solitude or just a course of antibiotics. You may encounter a dog on Saturday. Give it a wide berth, because it will be the reincarnation of someone who hated you. Lucky.


The stars say that this week you will come to terms with something you never knew you once had, or knew that you had, and it will make you think twice before taking a risk in your life. Consider what you will do about this mess. Think about your failed relationships, and cry for an hour or two. You won't really feel better, because as Daniel Johnston sang, "Some things last a life time." On Saturday, someone will try to get you out of your home to ask you to carry a bunch of shit from point A to point B. It will be tedious, but maybe you will feel good for helping. Look out for cats, they are out to get you this week.


Today you can burn a new page in the book of your life. Yes, burn. I know what they say about people who burn books, but this is in the sense of burning the memory of something that still hurts. Forget it. Fuck that noise. Pave the way to a new you, as some shitty yoga guru would say. The way to start is by spending a little less money on shitty spiralizers you buy on the Internet and understanding that you have the power to be just you. However, you will feel fart-bloated on Tuesday. Maybe you don't think you're up to the challenge, which is totally true. Don't be afraid. Yet. Listen to "Just Make It Stop" by Low, it may help.


Keep in mind that your Venus is enunciating, which means that you should watch out for cars that have bumpers that have duct tape on them and people who wear baseball caps on backwards. Beware of Pisces people, who are good fighters when you need them in a pub brawl that spills out into the car park, but they may not be very smart this week. Maybe if you're going fishing with someone, why not go a little further? Hire a boat, especially on Friday. Find something that fulfils you and go with it, like a beer or an Anne Sexton poem. Use some lotion, you're all ashy.


Before you can find answers for other people, maybe you should do something for yourself, Inspector Gadget. Always trying to solve the world's mysteries is easier than trying to figure out what's bothering your psyche. Jupiter is waxing, so get ready to go surfing, baby. On top of the wave, you can find what you seek. Friday will bring you what seems like joy, but it's just Uranus being a prick and giving you a slight buzz every time you walk through automatic doors at the mall. Ignore all signs of cash flow, you are not worthy of it this week. Or any other week. Pray to Vin Diesel.


That's it for now.

Tune in next week, same time, same place, for another horoscope. It's about as accurate as all the others.



See you next week!


By Mystic Alan / Sunday 15 September 2019 09:44 /
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