Doritos Comes out with Female-Friendly “Crunchless” Chips And It’s Exactly As Ridiculous As It Sounds

You’ve heard of the tampon tax and you’ve heard of the wage gap. Now we’d like to introduce you “Doritos For Women.”

Finally! I haven’t eaten @Doritos in years out of fear that the crunching sound will repel male suitors. https://t.co/Pd6hhvNg6L

— Dina Montemarano (@getmontey) February 5, 2018

Doritos has solved the problem that did not exist. Furthering the gender stereotype that women should be seen and not heard, Doritos has decided that women would like a “quieter, less messy” chip that would encourage women to eat it more.

PepsiCo global chief Indra Nooyi explained in an interview with Freakonomics that men will “lick their fingers with great glee” while eating Doritos, but that women are a bit less ‘gleeful’ about being caught eating in public.

“Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.”

Thank you for finally seeing us for who we are, Doritos. Women. Women who want to stay clean. Women who don’t like to be seen eating such a masculine treat. When women do eat Doritos, and risk showing our manly ‘ape-ish’ side, we do so in private, away from the prying eyes of potential suitors.

speak for YOURSELF. i have long been waiting for a lady chip, and will now launch a campaign to pressure the Doritos company to add a kind of hijab-like layer to each modest serving. #Shariatos https://t.co/zKyMGn7uhO

— Hend Amry (@LibyaLiberty) February 5, 2018

Yes, we get it. Women are dainty, fragile sweet creatures who in fact, should not eat at all. If we did eat, it would lead to pooping, and we all know that women certainly do not do that. Instead, women get their nourishment from rose petal bubble baths and heartfelt chats with the girls. We are fulfilled by the men who surround us and keep us from falling apart completely. We wait patiently for our men to return home, open up a bag of doritos, and watch them chomp away into the bag of masculinity. And then, when we inevitably become incredibly aroused, we make love to our partners, become pregnant, and fulfil our destinies as beings on this planet -- ceasing to exist altogether.

Seem a little ridiculous? So does “Doritos: for her.” Ironically, this decision originated from the desire to gain more women snackers, though we can’t imagine being more put off by the chip now that we know it’s played into such a ridiculous stereotype.

Has anyone at Doritos ever met a lady

— Danielle Sepulveres (@ellesep) February 5, 2018

About to sit down and write an angry letter to Doritos. pic.twitter.com/CXEWt1Xb1s

— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 5, 2018

Good news, ladies. We got a female Colonel Sanders and Doritos that don’t crunch, so feminism is cancelled. We’ve achieved equality.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 5, 2018

instead of crunching noise the new Lady Doritos just say "sorry" quietly every time you bite down

— ariel (@arielgitlin) February 5, 2018

“the no-crunch chip bags will be smaller and more compact, designed to fit in a lady's purse so she can have Doritos with her at all times.”

Ah, and there you have it. The final nail on the sexist coffin. To ensure you’re really coming out with a top of the line sexist product, you’ve got to give the women less of something but charge the same amount, or more.

But, like, at least it will fit into our purses. Thanks, Doritos. xoxoxo.