Black Friday Struggles

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

Dangling modifier

British Broadcasting Corporation

Parental guilt

By Thanh Quang

40493

14771

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

26514

2531

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

7754

810

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

By killmyself - United States

17304

46918

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

By RohnAbheek - India

15142

47071

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML

By helpfulmom - Canada

69921

6736

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

By Fuckup - United States - Naples

42888

10530

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

By Anonymous

1823

155

Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML

By TheGestalt97

Late warning

2087

163

Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

By shwasted - United States

27444

3760

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

By Bob - United States

45658

9748

Today, it was my boyfriends birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML

By Anonymous - United States

27072

75512

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

By stinky breath - United States - Whittier

43553

6564

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

By Ross R - United States - Richland

38133

2378

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

By MrOh - Canada

39585

4494

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

By Sdutent - United States

60038

7317

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

By Gordon - United States

82441

6733

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

By fattypatty - United States

4938

2247

Today, as soon as I put my card into an ATM, the words "Out of Order" popped up and it would not return my card. Since I was at the bank, I got a free replacement. Trying to draw money again the second machine did the same thing and a third card costs more than what I have in my account. FML

By Rightswiper - South Africa

Trolled by technology

4493

482

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

By Ben - United States - Louisville

45145

2841

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

47604

21409

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

By moodyreallyrocks - United States

33137

2864

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

By strictly cum prancing - United States

20194

6846

Today, my girlfriend brought a 12-pack of beer to my mother's wake. FML

By haqL - Mexico - Quer?taro

41453

4874

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

By Anonyme - France

32127

3908

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

By matte - Australia

93189

4892

Today, I found out the room I've been sleeping in has black fungus growing on the wall behind the bed. So, that's why I cough until it feels like my lungs are coming out in the morning. Mystery solved. FML

By Curles - Norway

1735

112

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

By Anonymous

Take a number

1408

249

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

By FourKnees - United States

43272

4204

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

By nikto

34945

3942

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

33046

3132

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

5478

464

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

By sick and awkward - United States - Silver Spring

32162

3553

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML

By Username - United States

50186

5448

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

By lonelyguy - Puerto Rico

32731

8017

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

By BigLove - United States - Stoneham

52384

5282

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

By Gremlin - United Kingdom - Staines

22812

3985

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

By garfield749 - United States

30035

2227

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

By Anonymous - United States - North Pole

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25238

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

By WhatTheFaf - United Kingdom

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2957