- FML

By FML Approved

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Understandable

Family extension

The cheek of some people

By merrymary - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By CasaDeLoser - United States - Kent

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

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By Forever Alone

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

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By "penne_pasta580802" - 23/1/2020 14:00

Ultimately

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By fuck Star Wars! - 31/5/2020 08:00

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By steve - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

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By Paige - United States

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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By OutoftheLoop - China

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

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By Bito - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

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By Mrs. Ned - United States - Incline Village

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my roommates cat meowing so loudly at her door, wanting in. Suddenly it stopped. I was just falling back into sleep when I rolled over and the cat was right there beside my head. Meowing. FML

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By Lillian - 25/12/2020 01:58 - United States

Are you OK, hun?

Today, I walked into a store to buy a type of bread I like. The stuff was sold out, so I asked an employee when they'll be restocking it. The employee yelled at me, because, "They do have that bread," walks to the isle, and then when she saw that they really were out of the bread, she walked off. FML

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By greasyhair - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

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By gr8

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

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By Husband to be....maybe

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

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By Kimmikoto - Canada - Cambridge

Today, the vet told me that my cat is too fat to be able to wipe her own ass. I had to go Walmart to purchase pet wipes to clean her butt. FML

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By infected - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

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By Manstobe92 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By yuck

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous

This is why we can't have nice things.

Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

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By PureFallPain

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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By smiles - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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Top comments

By Jonathan Curtis Atkins | 9

#7550120 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:29

Since the books are on the shelf spine in, it is a mystery what they are... Perfect for this section, all book stores should do this.

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7550333 - Monday 9 October 2017 7:15

Thanks to your input, it is funny in at least 3 ways:
1. the mysterious mystery section
2. the mysterious vanishing of chocolate
3. you not getting it

COMMENTS

By pelletman67 | 16

#7550117 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:13

Where is the funny

Reply

Jonathan Curtis Atkins | 9

#7550120 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:29

Since the books are on the shelf spine in, it is a mystery what they are... Perfect for this section, all book stores should do this.

Reply

wmayrhofer | 18

#7550333 - Monday 9 October 2017 7:15

Thanks to your input, it is funny in at least 3 ways:
1. the mysterious mystery section
2. the mysterious vanishing of chocolate
3. you not getting it

Reply

Liongoddess8 | 18

#7550564 - Monday 9 October 2017 21:30

It says 'mystery' at the top.

By Rousinaar Awiti | 12

#7554114 - Wednesday 18 October 2017 19:58

Who was the evil bastard that arranged the books that way? ?