- FML

By FML Approved

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Walk on the wild side

Get it on, bang a gong

Family matters

By theoftrescheduled - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I unexpectedly ran into my boss. Last week, I'd met with him every day, putting together a last-minute presentation of my research for him to deliver at conference overseas. It turns out that his passport had expired. FML

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By Idek - Australia - Perth

Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML

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By ashleeylynn - United States

Today, I got mugged. They wanted my phone and wallet. The most important thing in my wallet was my fully punched Smoothie King card. FML

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By wellthisisbad - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By alex327 - United States - Dayton

Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Scared shitless

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

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By nicrus - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

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By WTFsalad - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

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By OfCourse - United States

Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 17:06

Bismillah no!

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

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By fakelaugher - United States

Today, I found out that my friends have been "fake laughing" whenever I make a joke just so that the situation doesn't get awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

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By dumbass for a flatmate - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By Walk of Shame

Today, my boyfriend, who is also my boss, was giving me a blowjob at work. Halfway through, his boss knocked on the door and I had to quickly get dressed and slip out the other door. After leaving, I realized that I was still barefoot and I had to walk back to my desk in front of my colleagues. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By Anonymous

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

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By girly - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

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By tmi. - Australia

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

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By poopydaddy - Canada - Oakville

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I went out with my ex-boyfriend on a date. The night consisted of me sitting in the back seat of his friend's truck while they drove around to pick up things for the party they were going to have that same night. After they picked everything up, he asked where I wanted to get dropped off. FML

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By ThankYou! - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

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By Hoobfoob

Today, my car was totaled. It was so new, I haven't even made the first payment on it yet. FML

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By LegallyBored - Canada - Regina

Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By shitttyyyday - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

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By fingwhore - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

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By diva467 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Nice parents you've got there…

Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

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By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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Top comments

By Jonathan Curtis Atkins | 9

#7550120 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:29

Since the books are on the shelf spine in, it is a mystery what they are... Perfect for this section, all book stores should do this.

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7550333 - Monday 9 October 2017 7:15

Thanks to your input, it is funny in at least 3 ways:
1. the mysterious mystery section
2. the mysterious vanishing of chocolate
3. you not getting it

COMMENTS

By pelletman67 | 16

#7550117 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:13

Where is the funny

Reply

Jonathan Curtis Atkins | 9

#7550120 - Sunday 8 October 2017 15:29

Since the books are on the shelf spine in, it is a mystery what they are... Perfect for this section, all book stores should do this.

Reply

wmayrhofer | 18

#7550333 - Monday 9 October 2017 7:15

Thanks to your input, it is funny in at least 3 ways:
1. the mysterious mystery section
2. the mysterious vanishing of chocolate
3. you not getting it

Reply

Liongoddess8 | 18

#7550564 - Monday 9 October 2017 21:30

It says 'mystery' at the top.

By Rousinaar Awiti | 12

#7554114 - Wednesday 18 October 2017 19:58

Who was the evil bastard that arranged the books that way? ?