- FML

By FML Approved - 31/7/2017 23:00

I agree, your life sucks

1465

You deserved it

346

Favorite

DINOSAURS!!

Rich people problems

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26223

You deserved it

3807

Favorite

By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1331

You deserved it

200

Favorite

By dickwebs - 22/11/2010 03:42 - Germany

Today, I was taking off my underwear to change into fresh clothes. Pulling them down, I realize there's a big fat spider in them. Not only did I have a spider chilling with my genitals the whole day, but I'm deathly afraid of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39824

You deserved it

5199

Favorite

By blazer - 30/6/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

78820

You deserved it

14560

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/3/2017 14:00

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2883

You deserved it

6351

Favorite

By eyeamcool - 17/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63386

You deserved it

2688

Favorite

By sagecamreyyy - 6/11/2018 15:30

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3524

You deserved it

225

Favorite

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27802

You deserved it

8993

Favorite

By pillowless - 13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29837

You deserved it

2386

Favorite

By robinhoood - 20/4/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85861

You deserved it

3597

Favorite

By SmoothTalker - 16/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58189

You deserved it

33856

Favorite

By CantBlink - 16/7/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26575

You deserved it

2689

Favorite

By fatcat - 5/9/2018 16:30 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2991

You deserved it

214

Favorite

By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1721

You deserved it

112

Favorite

By ShitStirringSon - 15/8/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41971

You deserved it

7229

Favorite

By Completely Innocent - 5/3/2015 17:10 - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30451

You deserved it

2782

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38586

You deserved it

3166

Favorite

By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33621

You deserved it

28110

Favorite

By babbling idiot - 14/8/2015 09:35 - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24366

You deserved it

9565

Favorite

By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3571

You deserved it

209

Favorite

By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

486010

You deserved it

106124

Favorite

By superhero1043 - 14/5/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28482

You deserved it

5185

Favorite

By anonymous - 3/2/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30855

You deserved it

2307

Favorite

By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44761

You deserved it

3438

Favorite

By Elayne Warthen - 25/4/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5108

You deserved it

497

Favorite

By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34308

You deserved it

3349

Favorite

By budbunny13 - 30/6/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10643

You deserved it

63815

Favorite

By artist - 29/3/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36764

You deserved it

4499

Favorite

By duckthehack - 28/1/2011 14:25 - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42851

You deserved it

8850

Favorite

By Alec - 10/12/2012 07:01 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28664

You deserved it

1897

Favorite

By IfuSeekAmyIdo - 5/4/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I hired a babysitter, so my husband and I could spend some time together and work on our failing marriage. I dressed up. We went out. He got drunk and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88492

You deserved it

7337

Favorite

By gutav indogop - 24/6/2011 06:47 - Switzerland

Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12268

You deserved it

54470

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31201

You deserved it

3459

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34048

You deserved it

3188

Favorite

By uglynerd - 26/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Streamwood

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52654

You deserved it

4580

Favorite

By WTF - 22/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34287

You deserved it

2969

Favorite

By kaz89 - 28/10/2010 14:19 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26479

You deserved it

8214

Favorite

By BrefODM - 13/6/2014 03:15 - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50837

You deserved it

7486

Favorite

By avatarnicole9 - 4/6/2015 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29831

You deserved it

2919

Favorite

By jp_boards - 12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4215

Phew, glad it wasn't me

931

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7516476 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:55

"Wow, and I thought it was just my loneliness that was killing me!"

By tolkien897 | 15

#7516696 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 5:31

shouldn't have suggested a shitty song

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7516476 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:55

"Wow, and I thought it was just my loneliness that was killing me!"

By tolkien897 | 15

#7516696 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 5:31

shouldn't have suggested a shitty song