Amidst All The Mental Health Talk, One Woman's Story Raises An Important Point That We Seem To Be Forgetting
The passing of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade happening at roughly the same time has reignited the conversation about the stigma of mental health, suicide, and the general way we approach healthcare in the United States.
Though any conversation on these subjects is extremely valuable, it's important to remember to keep talking about it all the time, and not just when high-profile celebrities pass away. As a society, we need to do better for the people who are struggling.
One main motif throughout all of the talking has been encouraging people who are struggling to simply ask for help. Many variations of encouraging words are passed around, typed up in blogs and tweets, and made into headlines that constantly remind people that it is okay to ask for help. That they are worth the trouble. That it's no trouble at all.
And that advice is valuable. It's important to spread that reminder constantly. It is something that people who are struggling need to hear -- but it cannot be the only message we put out there. We cannot put all of the work on the people who are sick.
We need healthy people to step up as well, and step in when those who aren't capable of asking for help are struggling. We need to be able to better recognize that struggle, take risks, and step in when we see the need for some compassion.
When Sheila O'Malley tweeted about a situation that was exactly that, it quickly went viral, getting over 150,000 likes. Her message on the struggle of not being able to ask for help, and heartwarming story of how her friends stepped in anyway is touching. Composed in 18 tweets, the full story can be seen below.
The year after my dad died was so bad I don't remember 90% of it. I moved to a new apt and was unable to unpack. For MONTHS. I was ashamed I couldn't unpack. How can you be UNABLE to unpack? Just open the g.d. boxes. That was the year I cried for 19 days. Straight. /1
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
My good friend David - whom I've known since high school - knew I was struggling and he felt helpless. He said "you are loved" "we need you". I was like, "Doesn't matter, but thanks." So he took a risk. It very well could have ended badly. I could have lashed out. /2
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
I could have been really REALLY offended. But he took the risk. He sent out an email to a group of local friends (w/out my knowledge) and said, "Sheila is struggling. She needs our help. Let's all go over there and unpack her apartment for her. Bring food. Let's make it fun." /3
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
David sent me an email saying "will you be home Thursday night? Can I stop by?" I said "Sure." Sitting surrounded by 200 unpacked boxes. /4
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
At 6 pm on Thursday night the doorbell rang and 10 of my friends barged in, bearing platters of food, cleaning products, and complete unconcern for my 'wait ... you CAN'T COME IN HERE I HAVEN'T UNPACKED YET" protestations. They ignored me and got to work. /5
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
They unpacked my boxes. They put away my 1,500 books. They hung pictures for me. They organized my closet and put away all my clothes. Meanwhile, someone set up a taco-making station in the kitchen. People brought beer. By the end of the night, my apartment was all set up. /6
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
I literally was unable to do THE SIMPLEST THINGS. And nobody judged me. They were like superheroes sweeping in. One friend arrived late, stood in the hallway, looked at me and said, "PUT ME TO WORK." /7
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
One of my friends basically took over hanging all of my posters and pictures. "I'm really good at measuring stuff. Let me put all these up in your hallway." I hovered, not wanting to give up control: "wait ... put that one there maybe?" She said, "Go away." I did. /8
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
And she was so much better at hanging stuff than I was! Here are my friends putting away my books. /9 pic.twitter.com/YM87gF1pLs
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Here's a break for dinner. Please note that my friend Sheila's dinner plate is resting on my DVD player. /10 pic.twitter.com/L1izHmR30P
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
I was overwhelmed at the sight of all of my crazy friends turning themselves into Santa's workshop. On my behalf. W/out asking me. They just showed up and barged in. I was embarrassed for like 10 minutes but they were all so practical and bossy I had no choice but to let that go.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
At the end of the night, I looked at my friend's husband - a quiet tactiturn guy who drives a tugboat on the Hudson - practical, man of few words - and I just looked at him, speechless, not knowing how to say Thank You, especially to this tough resilient self-sufficient man.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
He looked at me, saw the look on my face, understood the look, understood everything that was behind it - and said, “Listen, baby, what we did today was a barn-raising.”
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
That's the end. The "ask for help" advice is well-meaning but not really thought through. There's shame, there's enforced helplessness, there's the feeling you're not worth it, etc. My friends didn't wait for me to ask. They showed up. They took over. They didn't ask.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
When they all swept out of there 4 hours later, my place was a home. Not only was everything put away - but now it had a memory attached to it, a group memory, friends, laughing, dirty jokes, hard work. These are the kinds of friends I have. Be that kind of friend to others.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
To reiterate: this plan could have backfired. I very well could have been offended, insulted, hurt. David took that risk. Being a friend takes commitment. A willingness to take that risk.
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
Here's a pic from the tail-end of the night. When you hang Christmas lights for your bereaved friend, you never know what will happen. My favorite part of this is Liz's head low in the corner. She's not even paying attention. She knows it's happening. She just doesn't care. pic.twitter.com/EIoA0pzMeX
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
"Listen, I'm washing Sheila's dishes so I can put them away. I don't have time to glance upwards at the lascivious Santa's elf in a derby hovering over me. I know it's there. But I've got shit to do for Sheila."
— Sheila O'Malley (@sheilakathleen) June 8, 2018
