25 Funny Tweets That Perfectly Capture What Married Life Is Like
Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you're watching fireworks.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2017
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) December 20, 2017
Marriage is screaming at your spouse to finish shitting and take their shower so you can go shit and take your shower— USA ?? (@SarahThyre) December 22, 2017
Sometimes I like to text my husband while he’s working with the nail polish colours I’m contemplating at the nail salon just to see how far his love for me will go— Jewel Staite (@JewelStaite) December 20, 2017
These are the texts my husband sent me when I was in the bathroom. I thought it was a horrific emergency. It wasn't. It was a Disney holiday light show. pic.twitter.com/lpvaVTbxQk— Dylan Marron (@dylanmarron) December 22, 2017
My husband just learned the phrase “Bye Felicia!”... And is now throwing excessive amounts of shade.— Leah Pipes (@leahmariepipes) December 23, 2017
I asked my husband to wrap all the gifts on my mom’s bed & when my son opened a present it was my mom’s folded laundry. #wrapanythingyousee— Karen Anderson (@KarenAndersonHi) December 25, 2017
So my husband got an Alexa for Christmas. I can hear him downstairs, taking great delight in the fact that finally, a female in this house actually listens to him ???— Amanda Lamb (@missamandalamb) December 25, 2017
Wife: Those cookies are for my coworkers. Don't eat them.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 20, 2017
Me: I promise not to eat your coworkers.
Wife: When you get the divorce papers, you'll know why.
Highlight of Christmas so far: My wife wrapping, and carefully peeling the price-tag off the dog’s present, so that he wouldn’t know how much we’d spent on him.— Andrew R (@ExcelPope) December 24, 2017
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries...— Tanner Tolbert (@ttolbert05) February 17, 2017
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you?— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 16, 2016
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Wife: You pick dinner.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It's up to you.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people.— hannahannahannah (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*— not the WORST mom ? (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.— Valerie Ate Too Much Ham (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
wife: "when i said i bring me something back from the beach i meant a conch shell"— k e i t h ?? (@KeetPotato) October 18, 2017
me: [struggling to hold a seagull] "fkn say that then!"
*about to be executed— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) October 11, 2017
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Tell my wife I.....I....I’m still technically correct.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 2, 2017
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
I sent my wife a text.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 16, 2017
Her typing bubble popped up for 10 minutes.
All she sent me was "K."
I'm as good as dead.