1. Goodboye.

Every time I'm in the shower my dog stares at me, worried, and he must assume I'm upset in here (because he hates baths) so he thinks if he drops his toy in that I'll feel better pic.twitter.com/xfIrRpPdtu

— Rude (@rudeweaver) January 13, 2018

2. How to make the most of a bad situation.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel... pic.twitter.com/6JXecxuIBt

— Jason anderson (@JasonMan811) January 13, 2018

3. Whatever you need to do, bro.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) January 13, 2018

4. In for a fright.

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

— Kal (@captainkalvis) January 12, 2018

5. Coincidence? I think not.

trump became president the same year people started eating tide pods

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 15, 2018

6. Oh you know, just doing my best.

"Hey, how's life?"
Me: pic.twitter.com/vB5rqeGCR6

— David ✨ (@d_cshn) January 13, 2018

7. We all have our own specific ways of coping.

level 1: venting by crying

level 10: venting by faking a conversation in your head with someone

level 113: venting by creating an intricate alternate universe scenario in ur head where ur a celebrity on a talk show dramatically explaining the shit u've been going thru

— f thot fitzgerald (@dracomallfoys) January 16, 2018

8. No, but I will now.

Y'all ever kill a bug and wonder if their mama is sittin up waiting for them to come home but they dead

— Drew (@CIouttie) January 11, 2018

9. Brb relocating to Mars.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

— unblock me you coward (@a_lolbrarian) January 14, 2018

10. SOML

night pic.twitter.com/4zOYiWX42g

— mike (@Bryzzo_) January 13, 2018

11. 2 woke 4 u

i was having sex once and the girl said “cum for me” and i thought she said “comfort me” so i stopped n i hugged her

— Sebastian (@jedifeminist) January 14, 2018

12. Riddle me this.

hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

— lil wayne lighter flick (@braag_) January 12, 2018

13. Uncanny.

Fuck this app pic.twitter.com/kJJWaf8oV0

— Biniam Bizuneh (@biniambiz) January 13, 2018

14. Such a rush.

I like to play this game called “I have no idea how much money I have” and it’s where you go spend a bunch of money but don’t check your bank account

— Kelly (@k3llytweets) January 14, 2018

15. Don't we all?

i love being home in my room being ugly in peace 😌

— bella 💓 (@bxllaneira) January 13, 2018

16. When there's The Office, do you really need anything else?

The Office is:

a. A great show
b. A ruthless prison that keeps me from ever watching new things
c. All of the above

— Netflix US (@netflix) January 12, 2018

17. We'll get there eventually.

1998: In 20 years we'll have flying cars

2018: we literally have to tell people not to eat Tide Pods

— Greg Baroth (@gbaroth) January 15, 2018

18. Why did no one stop me from listening to this?

Ludacris: “ I wanna li li li lick you from yo head to yo toes...”

8 yr old me : pic.twitter.com/1XpweFPeT3

— [raven] (@GA_peach13) January 10, 2018

19. Where did you hear about hentai, mom?

mom: you draw manga right?
me: yes
mom: ... not hentai?
me: no
mom: ... hentai is porn right?
me: yes
mom: .. shoot
me: wat
mom: i always told people you draw hentai

— Šimun Bijesni (@pizdarijo) January 13, 2018

20. What's really important.

You: tide pods

Me, an intellectual: pic.twitter.com/tDojm6kley

— nina (@NlNACOLADA) January 11, 2018