15 FMLs About Chocolate, God’s Greatest Gift to Mankind
Once a year, we pay homage to the most wonderful treat of all on the highest of holy days, National Chocolate Day. Today, we honor the delicious cocoa-y candy you can find in literally every corner of the world.
Eat it as a candy bar, as a hot drink, a cold drink, in cake form, in cupcake form, as a nice coating for your favorite candy, in literally any shape. Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate. Chocolate cereal! Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Pebbles. Chocolate chip cookies! Chocolate chip everything! Dip it in chocolate. Make it double chocolate. Make it fudge. Fudge brownies!
Anyway, here are some FMLs about the brown gold itself and all the times we just wouldn’t handle how great it is.
1. Excuse me, lady, don't you mean "thank you?"
Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML
2. ALERT! ALERT! THIS IS NOT CHOCOLATE.
3. Just tasting it to make sure it's not poisonous. I know how much you have it in for grams.
Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML
4. Lifehack: how to save money on air fresheners by becoming your own air freshener.
Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML
5. No biting!
6. Looks like someone else needs a talking to.
7. At least it tasted good.
Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML
8. Her milkshake brings all the stains to the cars.
Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML
9. I sure hope it wasn't open.
10. There shall be no slob on this knob.
11. Parenting genius.
12. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Today, I went to a corner store to re-stock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML
13. Oh, you shouldn't have. You really shouldn't have.
14. Was it worth it, cookie monster?
Today, my car door and window were broken when a thief broke into my car. Cost to repair the damage? $600. Increase to my car insurance premiums? $40 a month. What'd they steal from my car? A $0.98 chocolate chip cookie. FML
15. Chocolate isn't the answer to everything.
Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML