15 FMLs About Being Single That Hit Way Too Close To Home For All The Singletons Out There
Sometime being single is fun. You can go out without feeling attached to anybody, hit on strangers (politely, I hope), and binge-drinking is acceptable. It’s a treat-yo-self kind of lifestyle and it’s great! Until it isn’t.
The excitement of being single soon fades into sheer misery. And that progression becomes quicker and quicker the older you get. Then there are certain events that you begin to dread when you’re single: holidays, birthdays, weddings.
For those of you who know the feeling, these FMLs are dedicated to you.
1. The spite of the singleton.
Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML
2. How dare he take back Netflix! How am I supposed to mourn, if not by binge-watching all of House of Cards?!
3. At least we have our cats to remind us that not one, not even they, care about us.
Today, an acquaintance who went through a divorce around the same time I did last year has already met the love of her life, gotten married and posted the wedding photos to social media. Meanwhile, I'm still single AF and sitting home taking pictures of my cat. FML
4. California here we come, right back where we started from. Californiaaaaaa
Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML
5. Oh god, single around the holidays. the horror.
Today, I just found out that my sister will be bringing her boyfriend along to spend Christmas with my family. The two of them, along with my brother and his wife, make me the only single one in the family this year. Looks like I'll be spending Christmas Day with the dog. FML
6. Beggars can’t be choosers, but it’s a whole new low when the person hitting on you is also a beggar, literally.
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
7. Apparently there’s a sign on my forehead.
8. Never trust a blind date. Or a brother.
Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML
9. The longer you’re single, the more likely you are to get matched up with a nutjob.
Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML
10. When your own mother gives up hope for you, you’re doomed.
11. Who needs a man when you can get the important stuff done yourself? Catch my vibe?
Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML