10 FMLs to Help You Survive a Day Without Your Smartphone

Here's a collection of FMLs to help you smartphone addicts get over your addiction. Or not. We can't. We won't.

 

The first step

As with every other addiction, the first step is recognising that you have an addiction. Read the following FML. Is this you? Do you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is post a selfie on Instagram? You need to read on.

 

 

Cut off your thumbs

No thumbs, no smartphone. The proverb was born in an Apple store in Michigan and still holds true today. What's the point of burdening yourself with this "finger" that insists on being so unlike the others, especially when the opposable thumb is no longer useful in 2019? So don’t hesitate to ask for help in cutting off your thumbs. If this method doesn’t achieve the desired results, try cutting off the other fingers as well. The more the merrier! The fewer...?

 

Use a carrier pigeon

Now you'll have to think twice before just sending an "OK". But remember to leave the windows open if you’re waiting for a response. If this doesn’t work, keep in mind that pigeon is excellent with bacon and peas.

 

Communicate directly

Few people know that the human body has a lot of proprietary applications allowing for a range of social interactions. Very practical for interpersonal exchanges, the "voice" can send myriad messages. A signal will be transmitted at the speed of 340m/s (or something) in direction of your interlocutor, who interprets it by consulting his inner ear. If you don’t have the voice app installed, you can test the manual application. Functions include "pat on the back", "salsa dance away", and "slap in the face."

 

Hire a messenger

This method boosts employment and is especially appreciated by fans of running around. On the other hand, if it’s to announce a break-up, it’s much less fun for the messenger. Don't make someone else do your personal dirty work. Come on.

 

Use a dumbphone

As the name suggests, the International Day Without Smartphones (which happens some time in February, and to which not many people take any notice of) concerns only smartphone users, translation: those using "phones with intelligence". Therefore, the use of a “stupid phone” remains possible. Bring back the old model with a broken screen or the spendthrift one that butt-dialed ad-infinitum while you were abroad. If you have a Windows Phone, don’t change a thing.

 

Use a disposable camera

Very important for the smartphone photographer, you can take it everywhere, and in a few days, your selfies are at home. It's lightweight and durable, with no battery to worry about charging! On the other hand, if you make a mistake while taking your picture, you have to start all over again. And if you don’t have a development lab at home, you have to pay up.

 

Go to Lake Desolation

No internet, no problem. Thanks to its isolation from modern civilization, Lake Desolation offers the ideal environment for both a nice day without a smartphone and burying a corpse. No Wi-Fi and only two outlets on the whole mountain to recharge your phone... It's the perfect opportunity to get your life in order, or to go back to 1958.

 

Swipe the toilet roll

When you’re bored in the bathroom, you just have to swipe this roll of paper (available in white, pink or sandpaper) to feel at ease. The movement is the same and it’s occasionally more fun than using a smartphone. Just ask the cat.

 

Use the traditional tin can with string

You have 20 people to call today? Campbell's is going to be very happy. Make sure you have an extra long string for your calls abroad. Beware: a line cut is always possible. Pigeons (what else?) perched on the line could also pose a connectivity problem.

 

Cheat

Really though, what's forcing you to go without your beloved smartphone? You always have the option of tapping into this wonderful resource: free will. Ultimately, nobody will stop you in the street for excessive use of your smartphone. The police are already too busy with marches, riots and donuts to care, so it's up to you. As long as you're not texting and driving, and being safe, we say good luck!

By Alan / Tuesday 7 February 2017 15:10 / France
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