10 FMLs About The Shitshow That Is Black Friday
I don’t think it takes much imagination to connect Black Friday and FMLs. How could a day spent in a capitalist cesspool not result in horror stories? If you’re strong enough to brave the crowds, or, god help me, wait in line in the wee hours of the morning, I salute you. But for those of you who have no desire to be suckerpunched by some dude who’s desire for the PlayStation 4 is stronger than Hurricane Harvey, you might want to stay home. Besides, there are leftover from last night in the fridge that have got your name on it.
1. A common mistake, I'm sure.
Today, while shopping for Black Friday, I got in line, hoping to get an Xbox One. I spent so long mistakenly standing in line for the bathroom that the store had sold out by the time I realized my mistake. FML
2. Pressure's on!
3. Back to square one.
Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML
4. Curse the tiny, silent feet of children.
Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML
5. He really loves his Eggos.
Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML
6. I mean, based on these other stories, he's not wrong.
Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML
7. Ungrateful scoundrels.
Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML
9. What about the other guy?
Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML