The Top

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By elguapo3745 - 29/02/2016 18:20 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was woken by the sound of music coming from my living room at 1:30 am. My cat had managed to turn on the stereo and turn the volume all the way up. Just as I fell asleep again, there was a knock at the door. The police showed up about a noise complaint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 451

You deserved it 2 005

elguapo3745 tells us more.

elguapo3745 16

Monday 29 February 2016 23:41

I havent even met my neighbors, now i dont want to

By Anonymous - 22/01/2016 02:21 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 079

You deserved it 2 286

By Anonymous - 29/10/2014 08:19 - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 569

You deserved it 7 350

By False_Stupidity - 06/12/2015 18:19 - Australia - Hawker

Today, I was using a wooden toothpick to try to get at some food that was firmly lodged between my teeth. The toothpick broke and now I also have a splinter of wood jammed in there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 535

You deserved it 3 096

False_Stupidity tells us more.

False_Stupidity 41

Monday 7 December 2015 22:42

Tried floss but that didn't work. Ended up buying some plastic toothpicks and was able to eventually pry the food and splinter free. I think I'll be using plastic from now on after this experience.

By Gonzales - 07/08/2015 19:47 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 782

You deserved it 5 677

Thanks but no thanks

By nu_ravers_101 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said, "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 026

You deserved it 4 178

By thanksbro - 28/09/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 860

You deserved it 20 589

By Jacqueline H'ghar - 30/07/2016 08:56 - New Zealand

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 872

You deserved it 1 141

You're nicked!

By Jong - 10/03/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I arrived at work, only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. Five hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 378

You deserved it 2 772

Looking good

By lexibabe - 03/03/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say, "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 042

You deserved it 2 781

By BonGoWash - 07/02/2013 14:45 - United States - Bronxville

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 969

You deserved it 5 721

By mommyopps - 26/03/2016 02:14 - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 927

You deserved it 3 581

By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 01:57 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 2 432

J'ACCUSE!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 592

You deserved it 1 780

By katiekat - 05/01/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, my ex looked at me for the first time in months. I felt like I could fly. Seconds later my flight ended. I fell down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 967

You deserved it 12 667

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 814

You deserved it 2 573

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been fine, except he didn't wake me up until he was already in my room, where I was sleeping naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 304

You deserved it 4 647

By raerae - 24/04/2009 07:25 - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 859

You deserved it 48 309

By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 326

You deserved it 2 422

Business casual

By Anonymous - 08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 281

You deserved it 5 598

Bragging rights

By lucasbeck99 - 31/03/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 398

You deserved it 3 878

By 3722145 - 31/01/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 474

You deserved it 6 905

Slapstick

By aireun - 09/07/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 286

You deserved it 42 165

By make america date again - 10/02/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 693

You deserved it 1 408

By justawallflower - 30/11/2014 02:06 - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 182

You deserved it 3 158

By WetWetWet - 04/01/2010 11:15 - India

Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 019

You deserved it 2 622

Smooth

By vintage_vogue - 17/06/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 265

You deserved it 7 455

By bellabreeze - 09/08/2012 03:29 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 150

You deserved it 3 366

Lost in the sauce

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours unloading boxes into my new apartment. After unloading the entire truck and making trips up and down two flights of stairs, I heard a knock on the door. Apparently the landlord gave me the key to the WRONG apartment. Mine is downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 827

You deserved it 2 975

By AgentOrion - 29/08/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 283

You deserved it 5 929

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The Top

Today, acting like a responsible, proactive adult and make a dentist appointment. The receptionist asked if I was available at 2:30. I replied, "Sorry, can we do 2:31? I've got a meeting." She didn't find it as funny as I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106

You deserved it 829

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 115

You deserved it 3 457

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 533

You deserved it 373

Today, it’s been 20 years since my then girlfriend of 2 weeks fell asleep while I was going down on her. She claimed it was because she was so ‘relaxed’ with me. I married her anyway. Now, she’s still very, very ‘relaxed’ with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 503

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 440

You deserved it 49 792

Today, it’s been a couple of days since I hurt my knee. What did I do? Fall asleep sitting up, and somehow locking my knees. It’s been at least a week already. I’m only 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 102