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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 17:31 - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 359

You deserved it 41 264

By thelordofpies - 17/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I rode my new motorcycle to work for the first time. As I accelerated, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Apparently, poisonous spiders can actually get trapped inside motorbike helmets. Duly noted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 670

You deserved it 3 485

thelordofpies tells us more.

thelordofpies 20

Saturday 18 October 2014 2:32

Hey OP here, thanks for all the support guys. Luckily I didn't get into an accident. I was able to come out of the whole incident without a scratch but a massive itchy red welt. The doctor said I'll be fine in a few days time. :)

By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 15:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 699

You deserved it 2 783

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 319

You deserved it 2 222

By kimos - 10/05/2009 14:10 - Canada

Today, I poured myself some punch into a mug I have sitting on a shelf at my studio. Upon tipping it upside down to swallow the last few delicious drops, I see a cluster of mouse droppings stuck to the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 145

You deserved it 21 693

kimos tells us more.

kimos 0

Monday 11 May 2009 2:59

Yup. This was stupid on my part. It was at my ceramics studio where we apparently now have mice. It's a brown mug that I keep in my work area. I should have thought to clean it before I drank but I didn't. Gross.

It's all my fault

By Anonymous - 18/08/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 054

You deserved it 39 449

Lumpy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 989

You deserved it 7 146

By LordCrafte - 15/05/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 464

You deserved it 3 257

By LC - 03/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 496

You deserved it 7 258

Smells like teen shit

By great 1st impression - 25/05/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 996

You deserved it 7 935

Alexa, play "You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties" by Jona Lewie

By Anonymous - 09/10/2009 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 704

You deserved it 9 299

Leave me alone

By emoflowers - 10/04/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 547

You deserved it 3 350

By quiet_screaming_ - 01/07/2015 02:21 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 123

You deserved it 8 829

Gross, dude!

By Anonymous - 27/05/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 423

You deserved it 3 183

By Anonymous - 12/02/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 783

You deserved it 36 110

By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 144

You deserved it 7 263

By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 22:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 551

You deserved it 17 683

Birds aren't real

By difference between birds and mammals. - 03/09/2012 00:10 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 2 766

By tutusaurus - 28/08/2012 14:16 - United States - Salinas

Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 629

You deserved it 4 467

By rozsrredd - 08/07/2014 05:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my husband told me he was going to search from store to store in order to find my birthday gift. What was he really doing? His girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 091

You deserved it 4 189

Hacker

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8 year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number keypad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 978

You deserved it 9 841

By promdump - 07/03/2009 02:55 - United States

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 475

You deserved it 7 769

By gaiakirkland - 15/02/2014 11:18 - Italy - Pompiano

Today, I was on a date, when I suddenly choked on my own saliva and coughed so hard that I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 280

You deserved it 5 166

gaiakirkland tells us more.

gaiakirkland 10

Sunday 16 February 2014 10:41

To the ones asking if he stayed at least until I woke up, or if I had good luck, let's say that besides being my crush, he's a friend of mine so obviously he stayed, and agreed to go out again, so hopefully next time I won't pass out. For the one that says she can swallow since she was born, thank you very much dear, I suppose you can also walk since you were 1 and you still trip over your own feet sometimes :)