The Top

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By anonymous - 17/09/2013 17:52 - United States

Today, I was uninvited to a bachelorette party. I wouldn't really care, if the party hadn't been for me, ahead of my wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 863

You deserved it 3 967

By Embarresedguy - 03/07/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 705

You deserved it 9 787

Lookin' good

By racoonface - 19/04/2009 15:17 - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 682

You deserved it 54 778

Revenge is a wheel best served cold

By jacked - 17/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat, and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be, I found a note. It said, "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex-boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 177

You deserved it 9 770

By Anonymous - 15/03/2014 22:05 - United States - Littleton

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 653

You deserved it 5 204

By UkuleleTime - 23/06/2015 08:07 - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 896

You deserved it 2 428

By rhartnett11 - 23/04/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 228

You deserved it 3 004

By hiii. - 16/03/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 344

You deserved it 40 897

By misty_love - 10/03/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 743

You deserved it 3 741

By blank13 - 09/08/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I went to Knott's Berry Farm with my girlfriend. After we got off of Supreme Scream, the ride attendant asked her, "How was it?" She pointed to me and said, "It's like sex with this man, my boyfriend; intense, then disappointing because it only lasts like 30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 689

You deserved it 12 432

The thrill of it

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right; she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 305

You deserved it 2 909

By Shodan2112 - 18/02/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 052

You deserved it 9 663

By bitty - 11/01/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 350

You deserved it 6 904

By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - 10/12/2014 14:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 843

You deserved it 2 974

By oldskoolfun - 26/12/2015 23:04 - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 428

You deserved it 10 698

By byegeorge - 17/08/2012 11:26 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 893

You deserved it 1 992

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 828

You deserved it 7 282

By freedomofmusic - 14/11/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, I was walking back to campus with my boyfriend when we passed an Irish pub called "Fat Belly's." He put his arm around me, patted my stomach, and said "Yay! It's your restaurant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 234

You deserved it 7 030

freedomofmusic tells us more.

freedomofmusic 12

Friday 6 July 2012 18:05

Hi, I'm the OP. 5'10" and 130lbs... is that fat? Cause that's me. Sure, he was joking, but it still hurt.

Kidblocked

By Anonymous - 03/07/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 820

You deserved it 3 700

By horp - 29/09/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 690

You deserved it 9 139

By 464424 - 05/05/2012 06:24 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 494

You deserved it 8 239

By LasagnaRawks - 14/10/2009 20:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 220

You deserved it 38 407

By Lee - 10/04/2012 03:50 - United States

Today, I decided to pull some weeds in my backyard. Everything was going great until I got a concussion. My dog thought that it would be fun to headbutt me from a running start. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 753

You deserved it 2 934

By thanksmom - 02/06/2011 09:27 - United States

Today, I was released from hospital after being in a car accident. I used the phone book to call people I know to get a ride home, as my wallet and cellphone were still in the wrecked car. I had called my mom to come get me, but her response was "I don't feel like it." I live with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 923

You deserved it 2 997

By shaifox96 - 17/04/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 959

You deserved it 5 695

Horny bonk

By debodave - 22/07/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later, I was feeling horny, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 205

You deserved it 69 235

By BikerGuy - 24/02/2016 06:31 - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 878

You deserved it 2 207

By KN - 25/06/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 909

You deserved it 12 562

Get the hint

By -.- - 24/08/2013 23:54 - United States

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 323

You deserved it 8 113

Nice!

By ugh thanks - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 083

You deserved it 6 914

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The Top

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 806

You deserved it 4 982

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 489

You deserved it 371

Today, I bought myself a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted earrings with lighthouses on them. My mother was quick to point out the lighthouses look like dicks. I don't think I can ever wear them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 182

You deserved it 5 456

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 778

You deserved it 3 044

Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 681

You deserved it 6 179

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park, so we did. As we were walking back, I was carrying her on my back. When we were almost at the front door, she told me she had to pee. I told her to hold it in for a second. As we were walking through the door, I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 592

You deserved it 16 917