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By Jayswizzle - 11/08/2010 08:10 - United States

Today, I had an elderly woman come up to me and tell me how well I pull off the look of being bald. She said that most women can't look attractive without hair. Then she asked me if I had cancer. I had to explain to her that I am, in fact, a man, and I shave my head because I'm a swimmer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 175

You deserved it 4 601

Hi there!

By anon - 26/07/2010 00:07 - Canada

Today, I was showing a house to a couple who were interested in buying. At least they "were" interested until they opened the blinds, looked out of the bedroom window and saw the neighbor on the toilet taking a dump. He was naked. He was hairy. He smiled and waved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 862

You deserved it 3 540

By Seriously? - 09/03/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 728

You deserved it 6 187

Are you listening?

By littlemissignored - 02/09/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 841

You deserved it 7 143

Hey there!

By LadyLola - 25/11/2013 05:22 - United States - Dayton

Spicy

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 875

You deserved it 6 650

By Laserbeaver - 29/09/2013 13:00 - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 864

You deserved it 5 544

By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 251

You deserved it 4 833

By Busted - 31/12/2009 20:52 - Mexico

Today, I canceled my ATM card, because it had been lost. Then I found it. Then I found out I can't reactivate it, because I asked for a replacement card. I'm from CA, and I'm in Mexico with only 20 bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 260

You deserved it 8 599

Cheers

By Username - 10/10/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 795

You deserved it 3 691

Small world

By budapesthungary - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 855

You deserved it 2 898

By bad son - 14/06/2012 17:42 - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 161

You deserved it 29 681

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I got a paper back that was given a zero for suspected plagiarism. Everything I wrote was my own thought and analysis. My instructor basically thinks my paper is smarter than I am. He won't listen, even when I explain my thought processes throughout the piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 702

You deserved it 2 738

By anonymous - 06/07/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 528

You deserved it 3 720

By Hurrikhan - 23/03/2013 11:43 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 299

You deserved it 3 495

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 05:56 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 516

You deserved it 44 143

Great date

By SonofDonald - 22/01/2013 17:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 512

You deserved it 4 042

By noway - 03/01/2014 11:03 - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 939

You deserved it 5 317

By Arp - 04/02/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 234

You deserved it 4 683

Such a weird move either way

By 1337fade - 07/04/2011 05:19 - Denmark

Spicy

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 308

You deserved it 9 751

By bob - 05/02/2011 12:02 - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 178

You deserved it 4 224

By KalaKa - 20/12/2014 20:45 - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 993

You deserved it 3 801

By ppd_sucks - 29/12/2010 20:03 - United States

Today, my wife and I received confirmation that she has postpartum depression. When sharing this with the family, my mother exclaimed "I told you she was a psycho!" Now my wife is crying louder and more often than our newborn. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 698

You deserved it 3 612

By Anonymous - 07/08/2013 15:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 923

You deserved it 7 775

By fatty - 09/06/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 714

You deserved it 49 923

By roark0806 - 29/05/2009 13:54 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 550

You deserved it 4 897

By Nile - 08/12/2015 17:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 954

You deserved it 2 842

iTouch

By lonely girl - 02/07/2013 06:47 - United States - Oregon City

Spicy

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 393

You deserved it 22 841

By khood - 14/04/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 682

You deserved it 70 102

Dude, you OK?

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 676

You deserved it 6 049

By ashsaunde - 08/12/2013 06:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to 'paint mama a picture.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 916

You deserved it 5 184

ashsaunde tells us more.

ashsaunde 13

Sunday 8 December 2013 20:40

Hey OP here! First off, thanks for publishing this. It's the first one I've ever submitted. Secondly, yes he was finger painting with it as well as wiping his butt on everything in his room. We're in the middle of potty training so he thought he was helping by cleaning himself off. I also had to clean him and all of his stuffed animals up because he got it EVERYWHERE. Yes, he did get punished in an appropriate way because he's not gonna know it was wrong unless I teach him. And to the comment that I said I need to watch him better, it was while he was napping in his room. Any parent knows you can't watch your kids constantly.

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 751

You deserved it 2 813

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 089

You deserved it 471

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 629

You deserved it 10 311

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 353

You deserved it 203

Today, I told my supervisor that I want to do the work I was hired to do, which is Data Engineer. He told me he doesn't have the workload for another data engineer, and needs someone with people skills. He's very happy with the current situation. I left my previous job because of the same problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 027

You deserved it 103

Today, I helped a 6 year-old boy who was left alone at a store to get back home. The kid's parents were grateful, but my mother cussed me out and called me stupid for helping the kid. No good dead goes unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 88