The Top

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Gold digger

By itswhateverr - 03/05/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old granddaughter was sitting on my lap, playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die, can I have that one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 791

You deserved it 4 466

By clublulu - 10/04/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 807

You deserved it 77 201

By Satan - 15/03/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 426

You deserved it 9 190

By kiken.bara - 06/01/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant and sent a picture of the positive test to my boyfriend. Before I got a text back from him, I saw his newly updated Facebook status, which read, "This has got to be the most depressing day of my life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 982

You deserved it 7 508

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 815

You deserved it 8 898

Freakout

By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 8 291

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Portland

Today, I was involved in a 5-way conversation about the movie Inception. I nodded and agreed with things that were said, but couldn't admit that despite having seen it 4 times, I still haven't the foggiest idea of how to explain what it's about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 619

You deserved it 21 655

By myself - 20/09/2012 07:00 - United States - Seaside

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 472

You deserved it 31 261

By rejected4555 - 03/08/2012 12:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him, and I responded that we could do another kind of workout upstairs. He quickly said he'd rather just go to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 197

You deserved it 6 331

By barbie - 18/05/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he said, "Heaviest in back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 764

You deserved it 10 608

By BunniesOnAcid - 03/07/2012 23:01 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 859

You deserved it 4 139

By sickkid - 23/11/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 571

You deserved it 69

By Anonymous - 15/05/2013 20:21 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 718

You deserved it 4 579

Epipen time!

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 998

You deserved it 13 278

By armenta427 - 07/10/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 966

You deserved it 3 345

By Anonymous - 06/01/2014 18:59 - South Africa

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 391

You deserved it 23 359

Soul man

By Devil - 11/12/2012 06:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 550

You deserved it 5 782

By WTFsalad - 18/02/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 962

You deserved it 2 451

By Fucked - 16/01/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 557

You deserved it 40 850

Assigned bald at birth

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 350

You deserved it 3 259

Road rage

By Xtine - 23/06/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while on the road, I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up, and pissing off, several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 626

You deserved it 46 337

Close encounters

By blarp - 17/10/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 782

You deserved it 2 817

It's a conspiracy!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 029

You deserved it 2 541

Inner voice

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 803

You deserved it 44 860

By monquiqui - 04/07/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 118

You deserved it 3 927

By Anonymous - 27/06/2011 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 913

You deserved it 7 722

By disapointed girl - 28/12/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 050

You deserved it 5 907

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 20:56 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 872

You deserved it 15 953

That helped

By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 630

You deserved it 3 627

By Noname - 28/02/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 519

You deserved it 19 322

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 592

You deserved it 3 782

Today, my sister's boyfriend of over a year broke up with her. As her brother, I instinctively wanted to beat him up, but he is too much of nice guy for me to be able to hurt him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 258

You deserved it 1 065

Today, I literally stopped traffic. I was crossing the street and a butterfly landed on me. Being phobic of butterflies, I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. Oh, and I am 17, captain of our football team, and in very good shape. My girlfriend laughed the hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 352

You deserved it 23 662

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 920

You deserved it 2 519

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 627

You deserved it 4 098

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 668

You deserved it 219