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By lame - 20/10/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, for our 2-year anniversary, I bought my girlfriend a beautiful $400 necklace. She bought me a pink $5 shirt of Elton John riding a piano through space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 316

You deserved it 7 570

By Derps - 04/05/2011 09:11 - Denmark

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 490

You deserved it 39 425

By a man - 10/04/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 096

You deserved it 3 894

Get it on

By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Spicy

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 826

You deserved it 5 839

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 21:39 - United States - Salinas

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 867

You deserved it 4 172

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 890

You deserved it 3 984

Caked and baked

By nocakeforyou! - 15/03/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 236

You deserved it 14 077

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 247

You deserved it 3 929

By alaskan1989 - 22/01/2011 01:27 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 496

You deserved it 9 962

By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - 03/07/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 247

You deserved it 2 952

By Jilly - 08/08/2011 06:45 - Australia

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 133

You deserved it 5 319

By bman - 07/04/2012 06:41 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 971

You deserved it 50 292

By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 061

You deserved it 5 004

Emergency

By BigMouth McRedface - 14/05/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 830

You deserved it 33 972

Time waster

By le_evan - 29/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 504

You deserved it 6 708

By Anonymous - 25/06/2013 17:16 - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 204

You deserved it 4 308

By … - 28/06/2012 14:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 491

You deserved it 6 987

By Anonymous - 03/12/2013 14:04 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 308

You deserved it 42 410

By mackenzie_cain - 14/01/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 445

You deserved it 65 706

DMV blues

By driver - 06/01/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 569

You deserved it 2 824

By like - 14/03/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 663

You deserved it 200 244

Ewwwwwww

By Anonymous - 23/02/2015 17:56 - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 671

You deserved it 5 946

Not a geography major

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 380

You deserved it 10 940

By toothache - 14/05/2013 12:03 - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 410

You deserved it 4 403

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:25

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 276

By Insomniac - 28/07/2012 09:56 - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 643

You deserved it 2 469

By butterball - 18/07/2012 14:41 - Israel - Palmahim

Today, a male co-worker asked me in what shape I shave my pubic hair. Jokingly, I replied that I have a very nicely trimmed dodecahedron. Now he's telling everyone at work that I have a venereal disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 167

You deserved it 6 586

By Angus - 17/09/2015 19:48 - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 061

You deserved it 2 679

By salmone - 16/05/2014 01:03 - Australia - Spotswood

Spicy

Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 609

You deserved it 6 209

salmone_fml tells us more.

salmone_fml 3

Saturday 17 May 2014 1:43

Follow Up: it is a national test, so he couldn't go to the bathroom, and I couldn't disrupt the test by speaking. I stood nearby and cleared my throat loudly, that seemed to work, and he emerged from his jumper (sweater) fairly quickly. I would say given that all he wrote on the test was his name, he probably did not do very well. Finally, there are some very nasty, judgemental people on here. Perhaps you should try to live a little more kindly and gently.

By rosesareyellow - 30/07/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 065

You deserved it 33 506

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Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 848

You deserved it 2 335

Today, although many years ago I promised myself to never love a member of the armed forces due to the danger of losing him early, I did in fact fall in love with a soldier. Never mind though, as you can't lose what isn't yours in the first place, but rather your friend's husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 284

You deserved it 1 222

Today, I ate a slice of pizza that was left in the oven. Turns out it was my husband’s and he threw a tantrum over it. I profusely apologized and his response was, “Sorry is the cheating I’m gonna do if you keep this childish shit up!” He says stuff like that because he knows I can’t afford to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 386

You deserved it 267

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 723

You deserved it 4 238

Today, we inherited a house from my grandma in a homeowners association. My husband told the HOA president he's looking forward to defying the rules and annoying the rich snobs on this street who made grandma miserable by complaining about the state of her house while she was dying. FUCK THEM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 159

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 053

You deserved it 3 212