Miscellaneous: Blind rage

Blind rage

By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 067

You deserved it 2 865

When Christmas Ends Badly…
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Same thing different taste

Heavy sleeper

By good_aim - 27/07/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 318

You deserved it 26 931

A Caturday surprise

By fucking cat - 02/03/2024 08:00 - United States

Today, I shut the door to the bedroom so my wife and I could have a serious talk. Unfortunately, the cat stuck his paw under the door and started flailing around, causing me to bust up laughing at a bad moment. My wife was furious, threw a water bottle at me, and locked me out overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 241

Action - Reaction

By CaptBlood - 21/05/2021 00:01

Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 192

Freak out

By Brave - 06/08/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 842

By anon - 18/07/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 318

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 979

You deserved it 4 249

By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 139

You deserved it 20 746

Classic

By Anonymous - 22/10/2022 00:00

Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 1 482

By Mouhahaa - 09/05/2012 03:48 - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 665

You deserved it 36 390

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 22/07/2025 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 107

doggie3 0

Sunday 11 October 2009 23:14

Sounds painful.

paivarotti 0

Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.

Comments

carkel 0

Sunday 11 October 2009 23:54

one of the few FMLs that have actually made me laugh out loud. so, sorry you got hit with a cactus, but tell your wife she made my day :)

Spongii101 12

Monday 12 April 2010 21:19

I LOLed so hard at this, my Mum just stared at me. :) Epic WIN!

Julianneisasmurf 0

Sunday 11 October 2009 23:56

That sucks, but you are a good husband :)

newyorker17 0

Monday 12 October 2009 0:20

Awww, your wife is lucky to have you!

CatherineARE 0

Monday 12 October 2009 0:23

the best way to get the pricks out is to us duck tape trust me it works i have fallen on one (and it hurt) DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE **DUCK TAPE** ^^DUCK TAPE^^ @@DUCK TAPE@@ ##DUCK TAPE## %%DUCK TAPE%% &&DUCK TAPE&& ++DUCK TAPE==LESS PAIN

allmidnighteyes 10

Monday 12 October 2009 0:31

DUCT* YOU ******* IDIOT.

A7X5989 0

Monday 12 October 2009 1:02

Duck tape can be used in this situation. Duck tape is a brand of duct tape, it's like saying, "Hey, get me a Kleenex." Kleenex is a brand of tissue. So think before you speak.

Kukua 5

Monday 12 October 2009 9:10

Yeah but Kleenex has become such a household name that people don't use it to refer only to the brand. People only call it duck tape because they don't know it's actually called duct tape.

menschmaschine5 0

Monday 12 October 2009 20:28

And the duck brand includes more than just duct tape. I've seen masking tape with that brand too.

Ohnothingreally 0

Monday 12 October 2009 21:17

Still, no reason to get butthurt about spelling errors. Your/You're Duck tape/Duct tape In the end, it's you who loses for wasting your time on a simple error.