Miscellaneous

Fingers crossed

By NotASize0 - 04/04/2013 15:12 - Denmark

Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 701

You deserved it 4 283

By CrazyBitch - 04/04/2013 08:20 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my girlfriend said that while she was playing volleyball, her whole life flashed before her eyes. According to her grandmother, my girlfriend is now psychic. She completely believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 259

You deserved it 3 503

What a hunt

By nickcedola40 - 04/04/2013 00:24 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheelchair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 169

You deserved it 34 091

By poop - 03/04/2013 18:45

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 915

You deserved it 6 622

By SoClose - 03/04/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 276

You deserved it 11 371

By fuck YOLO - 03/04/2013 05:20 - United States - Ramona

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 356

You deserved it 3 932

By SayCheese - 02/04/2013 22:52 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 057

You deserved it 72 341

By MilleeMacabre - 02/04/2013 18:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband taking a piss on our bedroom floor. I screamed that he wasn't in the bathroom, to which he responded, "Shut up! I'm taking a piss, let me finish!" He has no recollection of the event. Now I have to clean up his piss and rewash my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 418

You deserved it 4 158

MilleeMacabre tells us more.

MilleeMacabre 8

Wednesday 3 April 2013 16:12

Yes. He was drunk. That's my husband for ya.

By colorguard13 - 02/04/2013 00:15 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was telling my aunt that I had achieved my blue belt in karate. Looking at my short hair, she says, "You're going to end up a lesbian." Thanks Aunt L. Love you too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 5 037

colorguard13 tells us more.

colorguard13 11

Tuesday 2 April 2013 13:12

No, she doesn't use FML. I just didn't want to out and say her name.

By aabadaba - 01/04/2013 05:23 - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 507

You deserved it 4 664

By HappyBirthdayISuppose - 01/04/2013 05:03 - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 128

You deserved it 2 378

By pissed_off_girl - 01/04/2013 02:59 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 680

You deserved it 3 245

By roomatewoes - 01/04/2013 00:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 725

You deserved it 2 117

By jll14 - 31/03/2013 22:27 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 656

You deserved it 2 852

Contacts

By Mr.no contacts - 31/03/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 635

You deserved it 5 742

By BornInTheWrongEra - 31/03/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 255

You deserved it 5 567

By dumb tourists - 31/03/2013 06:19 - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 968

You deserved it 2 951

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 05:10 - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 212

You deserved it 3 244

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 274

You deserved it 2 829

By Anonymous - 30/03/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 540

You deserved it 15 658

By fuck you dad - 30/03/2013 18:17 - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 521

You deserved it 55 586

By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/03/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 981

You deserved it 4 132

By Beast - 30/03/2013 06:57 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was cast as beast in my high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My Grandma's input? "At least they won't need any makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 177

You deserved it 3 871

By Anonymous - 30/03/2013 05:23 - United States

Today, I texted a girl I met at the bar last night. She accused me of being "fake" because she couldn't find me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, then threatened to call the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 840

You deserved it 3 450

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 846

You deserved it 3 068

Thanks

By Appelflap - 29/03/2013 22:18 - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 660

You deserved it 2 815

By fucked by sex ed - 29/03/2013 17:18 - United States - Manchester

Today, my 19-year-old son told me his girlfriend is pregnant, and was diagnosed with an STD. He's sure that he's the father. He's also sure he doesn't have an STD, because he's a virgin. I had to give him the sex talk that his school never did, as well as explain to him that his girlfriend is a cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 904

You deserved it 17 031

By anon - 27/03/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 926

You deserved it 35 098

By InfamousLastWord - 27/03/2013 19:34 - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 495

You deserved it 6 238

Welcome back

By Soggy Sophia - 27/03/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 112

You deserved it 2 651

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I visited my girlfriend’s family in Louisiana and her grandmother told her Pawpaw was still alive. Was it a neighbor or relative. Nope, a 60 year-old 12-foot alligator in the river behind their house. He actually came like a dog when she whistled. Scared the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 77

Today, my little sister received a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waved her wand at me. She said, "Abracadabra, bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and said, "Can't you just act pretty?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 365

You deserved it 5 485

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 059

You deserved it 4 329

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 188

You deserved it 3 284

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 785

You deserved it 3 429

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 387

You deserved it 10 415