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In the doghouse

By Anonymous - 22/11/2021 11:01

Today, in the middle of oral sex, I got a cramp in my tongue. Yes, it's a thing that can happen. My wife didn’t believe me, and since I’d already gotten a blowjob from her, she accused me of being lazy, selfish and no good at sex. This led to a huge argument and I’m now sleeping in my truck outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 350

By pumpkinbutt - 17/01/2010 21:08 - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 151

You deserved it 4 826

Bad boy

By acme - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 161

You deserved it 2 896

By Bella - 26/10/2018 03:00

Today, I finally managed to kiss the guy of my dreams. We pulled away and looked into each other's eyes, and he softly said, "You know I'm dating another girl right now, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 554

By sarita - 04/11/2018 08:30 - Canada

Today, for lunch I bought a burger, fries and milkshake. As I went to sit down the milkshake spilled all over the table, in my failed attempt to catch it I also managed to spill my fries all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 944

You deserved it 405

That homely smell

By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 372

By ring-a-ding-ding - 06/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 219

You deserved it 3 595

By GMD - 18/09/2012 20:20 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 322

You deserved it 7 217

DMV blues

By driver - 06/01/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 571

You deserved it 2 824

Common issue

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him, "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he'd sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 050

You deserved it 32 799

By Slipperywhenwet - 20/01/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 521

You deserved it 2 015

Psycho

By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 645

You deserved it 4 236

Goop

By Thisshitisbananas B A N A N A S - 27/01/2022 16:59

Today, an irate woman came into my store, screaming that she wanted a refund for the “defective” juicer we sold her. Apparently we’re all idiots who can’t build thing properly. I work at Best Buy and she was trying to juice bananas, but got mad they kept coming out as goop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 110

By DyingPlants - 10/10/2011 03:27 - United States

Today, during my first date with a girl I've liked for awhile, she tells me about some minor disabilities she was born with. Wanting to be honest with her too, I tell her I'm slightly autistic. Her response was, "I'm sorry this isn't going to work. I can't date a retard." I had to eat alone after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 991

You deserved it 3 924

How's he doing?

By MoveOn! - 25/01/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 255

You deserved it 318

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 23:47 - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 536

You deserved it 5 394

By bras r expensive ppl - 27/01/2017 16:00

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 176

You deserved it 728

It's not what you think

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss picked this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt, "Hard at work, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 538

You deserved it 6 893

Blurt it out

By gotta love my momma - 28/08/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 11 330

They exist

By baffleduncle - 27/07/2019 20:00 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 868

You deserved it 162

Sorry, but…

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 631

You deserved it 2 608

When you don't want to visit your family

By Lewis - 15/12/2018 18:00 - France - Paris

But moooooooom! I wanted to play Fortnite!

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 29/12/2018 10:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 342

By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/02/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 555

Not now, bowels!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 145

You deserved it 7 129

Was that really necessary?

By dayum - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did I remembered there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper; he never did, and came out without socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 546

You deserved it 5 814

By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 589

You deserved it 2 226

By Lucy - 21/07/2012 07:40 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 637

You deserved it 5 451

By single - 10/11/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 468

You deserved it 7 626

Quite the misunderstanding

By Janer88 - 30/11/2009 05:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 760

You deserved it 3 257

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The Top

Today, I was showing my new boyfriend around my apartment. Everything was going great until my cat decided to make his grand entrance by vomiting directly on the rug in front of him. My boyfriend paused, then said, “Well, at least he’s honest about his feelings.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 89

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 226

You deserved it 4 163

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 994

You deserved it 34 188

Today, it's Mother’s Day. It's also the day I’m expected to pay a very large medical bill due to my miscarriage of twin babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 123

Today, at the local mini-mart, I saw an old friend from high school and decided to surprise her with a hug from behind. Turns out, it wasn't her. It was a complete stranger who screamed, then whacked me with her purse. Now I’m banned from the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 797

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 474

You deserved it 2 371