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Congratulations

By stdpositivenow - 18/10/2011 14:16 - United States

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 778

You deserved it 5 134

By sweet23 - 18/08/2013 11:43 - Australia - Burleigh Heads

Today, I got fired from my job at an age care facility because I was too nice to my residents. My boss told me "They're deaf, blind and about to jump head first into the grave. We don't pay you to be kind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 022

You deserved it 3 072

sweet23_fml tells us more.

sweet23_fml 11

Monday 19 August 2013 4:24

I think there was a bit of misunderstanding it was just my boss who thought that way, the ladies i work with are the most respectful and caring people i have ever met.

By tattooapprentice - 01/12/2018 17:30

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 848

You deserved it 449

By Anonymous - 18/01/2016 10:50 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 127

You deserved it 2 123

By kaynotentirelywrong - 15/08/2013 16:49 - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 219

You deserved it 13 362

By mcdonalds - 06/08/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 261

You deserved it 4 874

By fucking_worthless_loser - 08/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 792

You deserved it 2 058

By Sonata90 - 20/12/2015 06:36 - Canada - Lewisporte

Today, I bought a PS4 online for my boyfriend's birthday. I put it on our joint credit card through Paypal to keep it a surprise. The company decided to ruin that surprise when they called him to confirm the transaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 915

You deserved it 6 557

Sonata90 tells us more.

Sonata90 26

Monday 21 December 2015 1:48

OP here, just wanted to expand on this to answer some questions. Both bank and credit cards are joint for us— the act of bringing in the income and shopping for the “perfect” gift is what we consider the act of gifting within our relationship. The price on the credit card bill was not the factor that would have ruined the surprise as it was planned to show as a paypal purchase and he already knew I had bought him a gift; the surprise was in knowing what the gift actually was. Customer service, on the other hand, doesn't usually call anyone to confirm purchases—I have purchased far more expensive things without receiving a call before. I just got unlucky this time I guess! His surprise came in early and he was still happy. For those wondering why we have joint accounts while dating; we’ve been together for six years as common-law partners and our relationship is built on trust and honesty. He got a gamer girlfriend but I got lucky with a good man!

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 753

You deserved it 5 824

First day at work

By dumbass724 - 13/01/2020 14:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 958

You deserved it 492

By maisumepg - 17/02/2019 04:00

Today, it’s the third month of my diet. Every dream I’ve had since I started has been entirely about junk food. Every. Single. One. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 313

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 074

You deserved it 608

Respect Independence Day!

By unpatriotic - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 021

You deserved it 8 150

Priorities

By sprained neck - 24/11/2015 05:49

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 077

You deserved it 1 537

By Anonyme - 22/10/2014 05:31 - Colombia - Bogot

Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he was whispering, he said, “So they can’t hear me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 75

By YouBossturd - 10/11/2015 15:17 - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 231

You deserved it 1 790

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 06:39 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my boyfriend and I had a threesome. He suggested we have another guy. It ended up devolving into a twosome, and I wasn't part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 350

You deserved it 18 967

By superspy3214 - 04/11/2015 03:24 - United States

Today, I was working at a movie theater when I was called to clean what can only be described as "Dog Shit Surprise" out of a theater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 176

You deserved it 1 442

superspy3214 tells us more.

superspy3214 16

Wednesday 4 November 2015 18:15

OP here, first of all I'm still in school making A's in my honors courses and secondly it was neither human nor dog shit, apparently a guy brought his kid into the theater to see Paranormal Activity and the kid got so scared he threw up then dumped his popcorn and mozzarella sticks on the ground