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I wasn't planning on commenting if this got published, but I decided to create an account to thank you guys for your supportive comments. I also wanted to add that I do know I'm better off, it's just difficult because we have a daughter together. Thankfully I have an amazing support system around me and I don't have to deal with this by myself

By I hear everything... - 22/04/2017 18:00

Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 097

You deserved it 307

By Anonymous - 01/11/2016 14:47

Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 872

You deserved it 774

Should've stayed home, basically

By SoftwareDev - 27/06/2017 02:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 376

You deserved it 641

By Boobs McGee - 31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 020

You deserved it 2 786

By Lulu - 16/07/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 134

You deserved it 706

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 726

You deserved it 3 705

That's not how that works

By Anonymous - 27/08/2015 16:18 - Denmark

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 737

You deserved it 1 960

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 14:03 - United States - Charlotte

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 742

You deserved it 2 772

By CouldBeALoser - 17/09/2016 18:26 - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 980

You deserved it 1 114

A Dog's Love = Priceless

By Sudokori - 29/08/2017 20:00

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 405

You deserved it 670

By sadgirlhours - 26/08/2019 19:01 - United States - Gulfport

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 1 874

It's not?

By 310 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 219

You deserved it 4 157

The prequels were great, actually

By techiefIve - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 801

You deserved it 54 474

By fuckingcool - 18/08/2016 21:19 - United States - Farmington

Today, while at a baseball game, I was telling my friends about my underaged drinking experience at my sister's bachelorette party. It wasn't until I was done telling the story that I realized the Dean of my college was right behind us, looking right at me. So much for a good first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 435

You deserved it 10 387

fuckingcool tells us more.

fuckingcool 10

Monday 22 August 2016 19:05

I never claimed that I was "cool" for drinking and I wasn't bragging only telling my friends about a fun experience I had celebrating my sisters engagement. I had gotten into a 21 and up club and I only brought it up because they had been sharing similar experiences that they had. Hop off your high horse and don't shame me for drinking underaged when people in Europe start drinking by age 16 the latest, I was 18. I didn't drive, I didn't get sloppy or make out with any strangers. I just had a fun night of dancing and some drinks with my sisters and her friends. Arrest me!

Hey you!

By Noah - 16/08/2016 18:43 - United States - South Haven

Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 2 928

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asked, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouted, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 099

You deserved it 11 822

Cold shower

By MrAwsum - 17/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good, my phone beeped. It was a text from my mom, saying, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 589

You deserved it 48 771

By Anonymous - 27/07/2016 16:45

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 380

You deserved it 1 112

Thanks, asshat

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 18:53 - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 553

You deserved it 4 193

By Anonymous - 18/07/2016 05:29

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 036

You deserved it 2 073

By Bestbirthday - 12/07/2016 01:04 - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 219

You deserved it 867

By Anonymous - 18/06/2016 16:16 - United States - Bell

Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 159

You deserved it 1 675

So good it's bad

By kingpin7 - 30/03/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I went down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I almost suffocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 506

You deserved it 10 322

By soccerswim20 - 19/05/2016 00:46 - United States - Coatesville

Today, I took my AP US History exam. For some reason, my school let the school nurse proctor the exam. She read the instructions for the wrong test and told us to seal up our tests, despite having another section left in that book. She wouldn't listen to us when we tried to tell her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 809

You deserved it 854

soccerswim20 tells us more.

soccerswim20 2

Friday 20 May 2016 13:40

Yes, we did all get to retake the exam. Our principal called the College Board and told them what happened, and they said we could either skip the section in the now sealed book wait until the next testing date. We decided to wait and took a different version of the test. And the second time our school counselor proctored so there were no problems! So moral of the story, if something the test proctor is telling you seems wrong, SPEAK UP.