Sex

By StretchNuts - 11/03/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 524

You deserved it 4 834

Dirty talk

By Username - 24/02/2010 15:06

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 828

You deserved it 4 785

I'm coming!

By anonymous - 24/02/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 897

You deserved it 4 489

Reminder

By Cromwel620 - 23/02/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 311

You deserved it 3 264

What?

By Patrick - 23/02/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year-old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 068

You deserved it 7 453

Horny bonk

By horny21 - 21/02/2010 08:19 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 591

You deserved it 4 049

Duped

By Ennui - 20/02/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 467

You deserved it 10 350

Mood ruined

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 918

You deserved it 18 171

Thanks for the memories

By Mike - 07/02/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disney World. Monday, I take a class trip to Disney World. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 751

You deserved it 5 300

Brutally honest

By thisucks - 28/01/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 406

You deserved it 11 027

By sexyfail - 26/01/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 244

You deserved it 27 908

Secret unlocked

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times, he told me, "Why? It feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence, then he then replied, "I'm not gay, I swear." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 141

You deserved it 5 240

Quickie

By wasntworththedrive - 20/01/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 766

You deserved it 4 937

Weird assumption

By writer4life - 17/01/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 093

You deserved it 6 325

So romantic

By Upbrakie - 12/01/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend, and I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much windshield wiper blades cost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 706

You deserved it 3 386

It's getting hot in here

By cold-n-stinky - 12/01/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said, "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 221

You deserved it 9 550

Pull up

By ohdeargodthatswrong - 09/01/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 518

You deserved it 6 211

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 872

You deserved it 6 015

Disrespectful

By awskme - 09/01/2010 00:36 - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfriend of nine months. She was making a lot of noise, so I told her to keep it down, and reminded her that my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying my parents wanted to make sure I was wearing a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 864

You deserved it 29 154

Scolded

By oopsies - 08/01/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 118

You deserved it 5 479

You've tried this before, right?

By xxxzzzooo - 02/01/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 598

You deserved it 3 812

Cut it out

By uhhggggg - 02/01/2010 17:16 - France

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 662

You deserved it 4 358

By everybodysfool - 24/12/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of two years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I'm cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 138

You deserved it 4 300

Take what you can

By omglifee - 20/12/2009 04:13 - Canada

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 932

You deserved it 4 136

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 831

You deserved it 7 283

Didn't see you there

By eatmyshipoopie - 18/12/2009 15:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 706

You deserved it 10 186

Cheeky

By Jane - 07/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 893

You deserved it 21 374

Get over it

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 753

You deserved it 2 742

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 263

You deserved it 12 795

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 223

You deserved it 3 658

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The Top

Today, it's been a whole year since I have made any social interaction with anyone, and I don’t miss it, like… at all. The only person I have talked to is a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with schizoid personality disorder. I always knew there was something wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 135

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 769

You deserved it 2 100

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 753

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 948

You deserved it 46 358

Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 589

You deserved it 4 958

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 002

You deserved it 252