Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML
I agree, your life sucks (73333) - you totally deserved it (5027)
On 09/09/2009 at 1:21pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)
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So? If you truly love him you will work through it. Your husband was right to do this. If you hate your husband now then you dont truly understand his sit. If you want kids there is something called IVF. Just love him for him not for his penis. ;-)
Dude it was misleading... How is this even REMOTELY acceptable? I have no problem with transgendered people but seriously... that's so messed up.
Unfortunately, sex is a large part of a healthy relationship.
And not telling her until after marriage was more a sign of B(r)en(da) not loving OP, not the other way around.
Also, unfortunately, IVF only works if the other half of the DNA comes from an actual man - if the egg were actually fertilized with B(r)en(da)'s DNA, the fetus would die long before birth, because she would only have half the chromosomes she needs. (It would be a she, because of the double X)
If they want children, they can get a donor, but the two of them can't create a child on their own. (Cloning notwithstanding)
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Its not acceptable yes, but how could this be brought up? Yah my penis doesnt work who cares though? Besides how did he lie, I dont think OP's husband ever said "I have a giant working penis" and besides for him and her to go this far and not worry about fucking its pretty obvious that Op loves her husband for him.
Yeah, that sounds great and all, but some people aren't down with realizing they just married a tranny. If it were me, I would be pretty pissed. That's a really dick move. (lol)
Transgendered people are people just as deserving as love and relationships as you, or people less intolerant than you.
Still, sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, so I can see Ben's non-working penis as being a problem.
#44 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:30pm by WitchCirce
Nobody has said anything about trannies not deserving a relationship. However, the fact that "he" hid the fact from the woman "he" supposedly loved is what is being discussed. The best start to a good relationship is being honest, that includes not keeping something from your wife/girlfriends/husband/boyfriend. Honesty is not just limited to telling the truth.
u dont see a problem with this situation???????????? news flash marriage isnt only based on love, sex is a very large part of it and if his dick dont work then i can bet my left nut therez going to b sexual frustration atleast for her, which is one of the few things that lead to divorce
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Yes when your dick dont work, its one of those things a nigga needs to mention before he bloody proposes because no body goes through their life assuming the guy who they're dating has a serious case of limp dick
Are you serious? It's the same as lying about having a bad STD or a huge debt and not telling your gf until you marry her. And no I do not think that gender changing surgery is as bad as an STD or owing money. It's just a comparison of the kind of lie that will send anyone running. Nothing wrong with changing your gender, but lying about it (same as hiding is bad!).
On a side note, OP - I am assuming you've at least made out or did something that would get him, um, excited, and you "accidentally" feeling it going up? LOL
#64 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:41pm by capricaz
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HOW CAN SHE TRULY LOVE HIM AND HE AINT EVEN A HIM... HE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE AND NOW SOMEBODY NEW. HE WAITED UNTIL SHE MARRIED HIM TO TELL HER THAT INFO.. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU HIDE UNTIL U GET MARRIED... ITS WRONG AND MEAN
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thank you. transgender/transsexual persons are human beings too and we need love just like everyone else in the world. i wish more people could see that. we are not something to fear or to make fun of. everyone who's maligned the OP's FTM partner has probably never met a transsexual and talked to them.
don't believe what you see on jerry springer or dr. phil. don't believe the stereotypes. if you honestly want to learn, learn from people who are walking the road of transition.
It is not ok. Never assume anyone would be ok with this, it's the most retarded thing I've heard in a while. What if she wanted to have kids with this "man"? Artificial insemination might not be up for discussion, I think it's a horrific lie to tell someone.
Although I believe this is totally fake, people who are saying "If you love 'him' it shouldn't be an issue". Say that outloud, do you understand how utterly ridiculous that is? That is a HUGE lie.
#75 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:49pm by Mirequetz
Um, no. If this had been brought up before the wedding, that's a different story. This was wrong and misleading and NOT okay. The OP did not get a fair chance to decide what was right for her life, or if she could deal with what it means to be married to a transsexual (emotionally AND the sex life). I hope the OP gets an annulment and dumps his ass asap.
No. I understand transgendered people, and support them, but this is a lie by omission. He didn't even give his wife a chance to decide how she felt about it. It IS a big deal to many people, and he should tell her, early on preferably, about the fact that his penis is non-functional and that he will not be able to father children with her. Yes, a great many people will have a problem with it, and dump the guy and move on. The alternative is THIS situation, where you get married, and find out that the person you married was withholding such a huge piece of information. On that basis ALONE she should get an annulment.
Also, if my husband had been in the same situation... transgendered that is... and told me early on in the relationship that he used to be a woman, had a non-functional penis and was unable to father children, I would've been okay with it because gender (to me) is more about personality than chromosomes. However, if he had waited till after we were married to tell me that, I would've been right back at the courthouse that very minute getting an annulment. A lie by omission is still a lie, and this is a BIG one.
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YDI for waiting til marriage to have sex. Why would you ever commit to someone like that without ever being intimate with them? Just ridiculous.
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So? If you truly love you will work through it. If you want kids there is something called IVF.
How the hell can you say "so?" Its a HUGE problem, a large part of their relationship has been a lie.
i would think more FHL for not having a functioning penis. but that sucks that he never told you. i mean, i'm sure you love him and all, but he should have at least told you when you got engaged or something. i mean, he loved you, he would have told you...because if you were planning on having kids or something, it affects you too.
#161 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:28pm by the_stereotype
it does sound fake. do you happen to star in 'two and a half men?'
#42 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:29pm by niemann2006
Wow. That's a seriously awful FML. There's a little something called honesty, kind of crucial to a marriage. It's a shame your husband hasn't heard of it. And all the people saying "it shouldn't matter" are morons. He lied to her about a major part of his life.
Very few transgendered people like to talk about the people they "used to be," because it makes them uncomfortable. In their minds they've always been who they are after transitioning, just not in the right body. He should have broached the non-working penis issue, awkward as it might have been the both of them, but his past life as Brenda is something he can choose to withhold from people, because (aside from issues like this), it has very little bearing on his current life as Ben.
#47 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:32pm by WitchCirce
But the fact is, he DID tell her. After she married him. If he was willing to tell her after they married, why not share that information before? Saying "I just wanted to see if you really loved me" is bull...how can she REALLY love someone if she doesn't know who that person is? The true test of whether or not she loved him would have been when he told her and she decided to break up with him or not, not if she'd marry him without knowing.
#105 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:12pm by justchillin
Agreed. The truest test would be for him to have told her and her to have proved that she loves him by the decision she made after he told her. It's pretty low that he wouldn't bother to tell her. I'd be IRATE.
what does a penis have to do with who you are? more of a what you are really...
#167 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:43pm by Plumppotato
I'm guessing fake.
If not, his penis should still work. It might not work great, but it should still be capable of getting an erection and penetration.
It depends on what form of phalloplasty he went through. If he didn't have any form of erecting device placed within it, then, no, he couldn't. Likewise, some FtMs opt not to have a phalloplasty, and instead use the enlarged clitoris that their hormone therapy produces as a penis--it can have natural errections but at an average of 3 inches long when erect, it's not exactly ideal for penetration.
That being said, OP, while it's in entirely bad form for him to not tell you, part of me can't blame him. The entire point of having a sex-reassignment operation is so that you can exist as a normal man or woman--in your husbands case, a man. Transsexuals don't exactly want to go out and tell everyone that they used to be the opposite sex.
And frankly, you also PARTIALLY deserve it. Even though you've never had sex, you've likely seen him shirtless while swimming or on a hot day, or at the VERY least, you've seen him in short sleeves. All the surgeries involved in sex reassignment leave very obvious scars--scars around the ribs from their mastectomy; scards under the bellybutton for the hysterectomy, and a GIANT scar that takes up the majority of the forearm from the phalloplasty--that's where they remove the skin for the penis graft, the arm. Not to mention, he'd be on hormone therapy; surely you noticed him having regular injections. If you're such an uneducated/inattentive slag that you wouldn't recognize any of these signs and put two and two together, then you kind of deserve it.
So, FYL for having a husband that didn't trust you.
And YDI for being too stupid to not notice obvious signs of transsexualism.
#22 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:15pm by freakishfeline
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If you love him, you won't care.
#8 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:07pm by caramelize
I don't think it fully works that way. What if you found out that the man you loved had a verrrry deep and incredibly significant secret that might have changed your mind about him earlier? but then he waits until the honeymoon to tell you. That could really creep some people out. I think if she wanted a vagina, she'd be a lesbain. She wanted a penis. Therefore, this is an FML and it's not as simple as you put it.
Anyone would care if the man they thought they married used to be a woman and lied about their life for the duration of their relationship. You have the right to decide what you will and will not accept (I'm not hating on transgendered people, but not everyone is comfortable with marrying someone who used to be a woman) and being trapped in a marriage before being allowed to make that decision is completely unfair.
Would you be just as accepting if the person you just married told you they used to be a deranged serial killer? Obviously it's not the same thing, but it's still lying about your past and expecting the other person to accept it without having a choice.
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No, 'anyone' wouldn't care. YOU might care, the OP might care, but not everyone would care. It's not right that the man lied but I can understand why he would do it--some people would accept his reasoning and fear. It's not exactly easy to tell someone about something like that.
#45 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:30pm by freakishfeline
That kind of sucks. I think he should have told you before, since getting married doesn't necessarily mean that you truly love them (In other words, one can truly love someone else without being married) and it was kind of unfair to you. However, he is still the same person you fell in love with, so try to be understanding and if you love him, make it work. =)
#11 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:08pm by XOfiestypixie
Lasting relationships are built on honesty and openness, this is a HUGE life altering event that your "husband" chose to keep secret from you until s/he had you trapped. "He isnt the person you thought he was" has meaning on a few levels now.
If he wouldnt tell you about this, what else hasnt he told you about, its no way to build a marriage. Get out now.
Oh, hai thar plexico. I thought it was Plexico this time.
#133 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:44pm by VampiressMiharu
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Love =/= sex. Relationships are possible without it.
#21 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:15pm by caramelize
Yes, crappy ones. Love ≠ Sex, but sex is important in any long-term romantic relationship. If the sex is not good or at least passable, most relationships won't last. That's why having sex BEFORE marriage is actually important, you can avoid shit like this or having a lover who is selfish and doesn't care about making you feel good.
#37 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:24pm by Callyn
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There's no such thing as a guy who will wait.
He can take medication to get it up.
I don't know why he hasn't already? But you're supposed to be able to have erections once you take the meds and therapy.
He should have told you he had a surg before you married, what an ass.
#25 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:16pm by Chibi_Seme
Transmen don't have erections in the way natural born men do. They require a device to be inserted into their penis to form the erection--if he had no device inserted during his phalloplasty, he would not be able to have an erection, and Viagra would not help.
#50 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:35pm by freakishfeline
WOAHHHHHHHHHH
WTH??? what if you want kids???
Eff that, this marriage will not last long unfortunately....
Whatta liar. If he/she wanted to see if she would really love him/her...it, it would have told her before and see if she stuck it out.
#28 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:17pm by MinaXmassacre
I agree that the OP's husband should have told her before the marriage, but I think it's very disrespectful to use the pronoun "it." A transgendered person is still a PERSON, there's no need to use the pronoun "it."
#166 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:41pm by newyorker17
I feel sorry for you. If you really do love him and don't think it's all about sex, I'd stick with him. If not, then just get a divorce and tell him that he should say something before wasting lots of time and money...
#29 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:18pm by 18legalawesome
FYL........ but YDI for not being able to figure out ur mate is a transsexual?
#30 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:19pm by dick_gozinya_
if I were you i'd get an annulment, immediately. it may still be the person you fell in love with, but if it is willing to keep a secret like this until you're trapped....
You are using an incredibly disrespectful and dehumanizing object pronoun to refer to the husband in this story. "Ben" is not an "it." He is a he.
People like you are the reason transgendered people keep secrets like this.
#60 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:38pm by WitchCirce
yaknow your marriage isn't actually valid yet... and due to your husbands... secret never will be - marriage isn't valid till sex so you don't even have to exactly *divorce* if you don't want him :P
1) It's you're an idiot. You look doubly dumb when you make that mistake while trying to insult someone else's intelligence.
2) While consummation is no longer a requirement for a marriage to be valid, lying about one's infertility is always grounds for annulment.
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"...It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it..."
Am I the only one who still considers the fiance a girl?
#140 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:51pm by ireply_w_lyrics
No, I'm sure you're not, but neither you nor those who would agree with you are in any way correct or justified.
Your lyrics usually make me happy... but this is disappointing.
#147 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:01pm by Lonely_Lez
Even if the nonfunctional fake willy doesn't bother you, the fact that your spouse sees everything as being all about him/her should make you run like hell.
part of marriage is sex, and wanting to have children. for instance, i wouldn't marry someone if they didn't want to have children because that's considered a quality i look for in someone. and lying about that is just as huge as lying about your gender.
so all the "work through it" comments, think about it. what if she wanted kids? he can't provide that for her.
#48 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:33pm by theannoyingone
No, Ben is a He. Legally, mentally and physically, he is male. He might not have always been a male, but he is now. You're an ass, just like Ben.
#165 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:39pm by Callyn
I have nothing against transgendered people, but this is messed up. Way to hold out on a lie. Sex does matter somewhat in a relationship...also I can't help but think of those cases where a transgendered person gets murdered after their boyfriends find out they were actually a guy at one point. It should never happen, but you gotta think/ understand that some people will have a problem dating a transgendered person and they should be upfront about it before the relationship gets too far.
#51 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:35pm by shameinyou
thats so evil and deceptive of him.
divorce him.
dreadful.
fyl for sure.
#54 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:35pm by Devikarawr
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No, OP means HIS name, HE used to be named Brenda, and HE wanted to know she loved HIM.
A transman is still a man, jackass.
#56 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:36pm by freakishfeline
Love the idiotic comments.
Yes, HE (yes, he's a he.) should have told OP earlier. He really should. Before they got married. But can you blame him for being scared of your reaction? Especially seeing what it is now? Especially seeing some of the reactions of some of the commentators?
But this is something that can be worked through. It can be.
I should know.
I'm sorry but you don't wait until legally trapping (in this case marrying) someone to disclose life-changing information like that, no matter what it is. That is the height of deceitful.
And regarding other comments, anyone who says sex isn't necessary in a long-term relationship/marriage can only speak for themselves...and for that matter, have probably never been in a serious relationship with or without sex.
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I already said that it was wrong of him to wait until they were married to tell her, but again, CAN YOU BLAME HIM? With the ignorance and hate spewing in the comments, it's no wonder he was scared to tell her until he had her "trapped" as you all say (by the by, you aren't "trapped" if you get married)
And yes, sex is important. Guess what? Transpeople can have sex, too. Amazing, I know. There are these things called "strap ons" that can really help.
Yes, I can and do blame him. While no one expects him to run around telling everyone he meets, there is something wrong if he doesn't feel he can tell his fiancee before being married, the person he should be able to trust above all others. And there is no excuse for that. If he somehow knew she wouldn't accept him he should have ended the relationship and started looking for someone who will.
I'm not seeing "hate" and whatever else you're implying is in the comments, all I'm seeing is justified indignation at a liar. Yes, I can blame him.
OK she loves him and still will but something like this you don't wait till after marriage to tell someone, it doesn't take marriage to know your in love with someone, thats straigth fucked up, if she stays with him or shall i say her she will never feel that pleasure she so much desires and that my friends is ghetto booty.
wow, that sucks. That's why I'll try before I buy. deceitful asshole/bitch (idk which curse to use lmao).
#59 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:37pm by Captain_Jello
As supportive as I am towards transsexuals, everyone has the right to know who they're marrying for who they really are.
But this is rather suspicious. Did she never see baby pictures? Did she ever meet his parents or other relatives(and if so, would ALL of them agree to not tell)?
But if this is true, FYL.
#61 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:39pm by SimplyLaurel
please DO NOT LISTEN TO PPL TELLING U TO ACCEPT IT.. U CAN TRULY LOVE HIM CUZ THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WAS A LIE. HE WAS BORN A WOMAN... DIVORCE... DIVORCE...DIVORCE
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Yes, his personality, et all was a lie! Tricksy, deceiving transpeople! When will they learn not to play with cispeople's emotions and wear a badge that proclaims exactly what they are at all times!
Yes, he should have told her before they got married, but you're also a fucking idiot.
The whole relationship was not a lie. It might be hard for your intellect to grasp, but a transman is still a man. Ben is a man. Just because he was born a woman does not mean he is not now a man, and it does not mean his relationship with the OP as a man was a lie. Shut your ignorant face.
#67 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:43pm by WitchCirce
Try getting an annulment. They exist for cases like this. Sure, there's someone for everyone, but that requires honesty sometime before what happened. If your husband was afraid of losing you, well, he shouldn't have tried to 'trap' you in marriage beforehand. Admitting to being trans is hard. But not telling you was worse.
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The insane amount of ignorance within these comments makes me cringe
You should divorce someone because you can't have kids with them? Fuck you all.
Sex =/= love
#70 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:44pm by allmidnighteyes
love without sex is more suited to a best friend rather than a partner
yes a deep understanding and love is important but if you lie about who you are that really changes things
#128 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:39pm by canucksrule88
The OP's life isn't fucked because she can't have conventional sex with her husband. It's that her husband LIED to her and hid a HUGE part of himself away from her. He deliberately waited not until he felt comfortable opening himself up to her, but until he knew she was legally obligated to her. If the OP's husband had waited until after the marriage to tell her that he had a child, or as another poster said, had a huge amount of debt, it would be the same situation. It's a matter of trust and honesty, not sex.
#171 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:50pm by newyorker17
You should have said "SURPRISE! I used to be named Jack! Now I'm Jill!"
#72 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:45pm by Linzzification
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It disgusts me. It literally makes me shaky and it really upsets me.
I can't believe people can be so ignorant.
You seem to be quite ignorant yourself if you can't comprehed what people here are upset about. Let me dumb it down for you: Lying is bad, m'kay?
Ha ha, that's what you get for waiting. Sex is a normal and substantial part of life, married or not, and only a fool would put that off until AFTER they were married.
I would talk to them about how to work around this so you can fulfill your needs, as in toys or allowing other you to sleep with other men. BTW, this also means you married a woman, annulling your marriage in most locations.
#76 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:49pm by CapinWinky
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She didn't marry a woman. If she was able to him, most likely he had his forms changed to say he is male.
And shit like this is also why transpeople have such a hard time getting married and getting rights. "YOU DIDN'T REALLY MARRY A MAN/WOMAN! IT'S NOT LEGAAALLLL"
Just get a divorce, you fucking whiner, and stop setting everyone else back.
It's not literally a "he". SHE may have had surgery/taken hormones, but that does not give HER a Y chromosome...
#80 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:50pm by 17xVampx17
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Because we all know gender identity is concretely tied to your genes, amirit?
Grow up.
#84 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:53pm by freakishfeline
This is so fucked up and in no way acceptable. he wanted to know if you really loved him, Bullshit! That's something to find out before you get married, and he/she hiding them true self shows how selfish they are, and how little IT gave s damn about you! In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA!
#82 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:52pm by Bloodknight
Transgender people are fine and deserve love and all that PROVIDED THAT THEY DISCLOSE EXACTLY WHAT THEIR SITUATION IS. No, if you hide the fact that you used to be a man or used to be a girl and no longer is, that is something your lover gets to know up front, or pretty close to it.
Most people go into a relationship assuming everything is normal, and if it isn't you are obligated to say something about that. It doesn't matter that it *shouldn't matter*, that's easy to say until you're the one who's fucked over like this, it DOES matter. Absolutely.
As someone who had a lover tell them "oh, well, I have a secret please don't hate me I love you" I can safely say that it shouldn't matter, and you aren't getting fucked over, idiot.
I think Blueworld meant that the OP got "fucked over" because her husband didn't tell her until she married him. You didn't get "fucked over" by that definition because your lover DID tell you and essentially gave you the option not to accept his or her secret. This is not about whether being transgendered is "right" or "wrong." It's about being honest and open with your partner when you're in a serious and committed relationship.
#174 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:56pm by newyorker17
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No. 'It' was wrong to do this to her. she had a right to know whom she was marrying, or at least he that 'it' was a man all his life! FHL
#86 - On 09/09/2009 at 5:56pm by MorlekEngel
For me, this isn't about the trans issue; it's about honesty. There's something fairly big about the partner's background, AND something that could majorly affect their sex life, that was withheld until after marriage. Big no-no.
While I do have a certain amount of sympathy for Ben...I'm sure it must be difficult to be carrying that around...at the same time, it's something that he should have told you before you committed.
And while this is an FYL to a degree, it's also a YDI. You should have had sex at least once before marriage (sorry, I'm a great believer in NOT waiting).
I see an annulment coming, and fast. I know a number of FTM transsexuals, one a very good friend, and they all believe in openness and honesty with the people they date, and they make sure their dating partners know what's going on BEFORE they get too heavily involved. For Ben to pull this on someone after they've tied the knot is reprehensible.
I agree with this. It's the most logical of all the comments.
I accept trans people on the whole (as much as I would any other type of people. I will not accept you just because you are _______. If you're a bad person, nothing else matters.) but I really think that this should have been discussed beforehand, because Ben will only really be happy with someone who accepts him for who he is.
#110 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:15pm by Lonely_Lez
It isn't about having kids, or sex. It's about lying throughout the entire duration of the relationship. Yes, he's a transgendered man. Yes, that's who he is now. BUT, that isn't who he always was. Allowing her to go through a wedding thinking that's who he always was is deception. There are things that you need to be honest about. Maybe not upfront on the first date, but LONG before you even think about proposing. Marrying someone and then saying: "SURPRISE, I'm not who you thought I was!" is a cruel, cruel trick, and a betrayal of trust. If you were confident that they loved you, you would've said something sooner, not after the fact when you had them cornered.
If this is true, FYL for sure. Sure, I respect transgendered people, and they have the same right of getting loved as everybody else, but this is just lying to the person you love most. For crying out loud he married you! Tis is seriously the most rediculous thing I've read in a while
#101 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:07pm by Illumination
I want to say YDI because I don't understand couples who get married before having sex with each other. But, wow...what a serious breach of trust. It's a completely selfish thing for him to do.
Seriously, this sort of deceit is unacceptable. He obviously doesn't love you as much as he wanted you love him because if he did, he wouldn't have hid anything from him. Get an annulment and hope you can find someone who really cares for you and isn't so self-centered.
#103 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:09pm by lalagirl_89
If my fiance told me before he propsed that he was transgender, i wouldn't care, and I will would happily marry him. If he waited until after we were married and then told me he was, i would be VERY FUCKING ANGRY! I don't really know what I would do. Yes I love him, but if he kept something that big from me, whose to say he hasn't kept other important information from me? I don't know if I would be able to trust him after that.
#108 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:13pm by boatkicker
-thumbs up-
Exactly what I was going to say.
minus the fiance example =P
#111 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:17pm by simonsaysYDI
waiting till married was rude wrong and inconsiderate. after engaged before announced to people would have been fine.
marriages break up from not being able to have kids and he can't. nothing wrong with having had a gender change I you're open bout it and your partner is open minded enough to handle it.
If this is not fake, you are retarded for not taking a test drive before buying.
To all of those people saying that the post-op tranny doesn't have to tell OP he was a she are Asshats. It makes him uncomfortable to let people know? Cry me a fucking river. Yes, he doesn't have to tell everyone, but deceiving someone into marriage is damn near criminal. What if he had AIDS and didn't tell? Is that ok? It makes him uneasy, so why do it? The rights of one person DOES NOT come before the rights of another. Yes, he deserves to have a normal life, but not at the expense at lying to a future life partner. I would recommend immediate annulment of the marriage, since it can't be consummated anyways. Not because he was a she, due to the fact he/she is a dirt bag POS.
#118 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:26pm by Spaceghost77
You have perfect grounds for an annulment. A messy one, if I were in your shoes, which I'd never be because I don't marry strangers. Yes, Virginia, if you haven't had sex with a 'person' you want to marry, they are still a stranger to you in some ways. Welcome to the world.
Interesting how some of the commenters are acting as if they're so open-minded and tolerant about the transman in the original post, then turn around and insult those who choose to wait until marriage. Hypocritical, much?
It's not hypocritical. The issues are completely unrelated. You can be completely ok with LGBT2Q persons and still not agree with the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex/sexual acts (many of which would have revealed this issue).
#137 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:48pm by Lonely_Lez
This is absolutely the most awful thing I have yet to see on here. If you got to the point at which you married "Ben" without knowing this big secret, imagine the dishonesty to come. While it is true that society creates a somewhat negative viewpoint toward the transgendered, if you make the decision to do it, you should do it with certainty and pride. The shame is what makes people lie. A shameful liar doesn't change, especially when it comes to lies of that proportion. That must have been one of the most painful revelations you have ever endured and for that, I really pity your misfortune. Good luck in the future, and don't grant your love to that mess, not only will the dishonesty repeat itself time and again, but the sexual gratification that could only possibly make it more bearable is just absolutely out of the question.
#124 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:37pm by JohnyJackhammer
dats so fucked up!
i wuld definately divorce b(r)en(d)(a).
not because of the fact of the non working penis,
but because Ben is technically a woman and im str8.
[ nothing against gay/bi/transgendered ppl, just IM staight, so i personally would divorce B(r)en(d)(a)
#125 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:37pm by i_heart_yew
DIVORCE/ANNULMENT! I'm a person who believes strongly in "live and let live" but this is beyond fucked up. You don't lie to someone like that. It's like buying what you think is a diamond only to find out its a cubic zirconia.
#126 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:38pm by 110879
Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment.
Marriage does not= true love...
I feel bad for...your new husband though, it must have been hard to come out about that...
I'm not getting married...I mean I might have a commitment ceremony if my significant other (assuming I find one) and I really cared about each other (and knew for sure what each other's gender was), but marriage always seems cursed with bad luck of some sort...
I agree what with the principle, but I think he should of told you in an earlier stage of the relationship, rather than after you were married.
FYL. Not because you married a transgendered person, but because he didn't have the balls to tell you himself (pun unintended). Think of all of the future dishonesty to come, because that's all that will. (I'm a terrible person)
#131 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:41pm by insomniacdude
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In the interests of honesty, I need to confess something.
My entire life, I've felt that I was trapped in the wrong body. I like to sleep all day, lay in the sun, and prowl around. I'm a pretty good huntress, and I would bring my dead prey up to the door. After several years of feeling like I didn't belong, I realized that I am not actually a human being. I am a cat. I don't know how it happened, but I was born IN THE WRONG BODY. Bewildered and confused, I finally sat down and told myself from that point on (2 December 2001), I would refer to myself as a cat from then on.
God, it feels good to be honest about this.
And do you know what gave me the courage? All of these kind and supportive posts (although I will express some surprise that a lot of the people who tear fat people to shreds and treat them as subhuman seem to be very tolerant of transsexuals). Especially freakishfeline (even the name is ironic), who said: "Because we all know gender identity is concretely tied to your genes, amirit?"
Species identity isn't tied concretely to genes either! In the grand scheme of things, biology is stupid anyway. We should ban it in schools, because it's obviously flawed. I mean... with people like me and people like the OP's husband, it just doesn't hold water, does it?
OP: That sucks. FYL.
#136 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:48pm by sacredpoppy
I know people say it shouldn't care, but I WOULD CARE. Most women want to eventually have children with their husbands, this woman can't now. As people have said, sex is a HEALTHY part of relationships and its something they won't have without the use of sex toys.
If I were the OP, I would be furious and feel extremely hurt and betrayed. Not just by my husband, but by his family and close friends.
OP's husband was selfish, childish, and narrow minded, he only considered his feelings. He never considered how his relationship with his wife would be affected. Marriage takes TWO people to make decisions and is made up of compromise. How can OP trust her husband after he's kept this from her?
He should have told her way BEFORE the wedding. Its her life too, she has every right to know how her life would be affected, and it is in a big way!
A serious comment, though.
Or, well, just a random observation.
I know that it's a complete betrayal of trust, and he shouldn't have done it, and all that. But it must be hard for transsexuals to be able to da... wait. This comment is stereotypical, it's insulting, and it's ignorant. Just ignore it.
#143 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:57pm by BritishHobo
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One I have to say why can't people just accept the gender they were born as? If you were born a girl your a girl if you were born a boy your a boy. Stick with that!!! If you like the same gender then it's called your a homosexual!!
Also that is fucked up that she didn't tell you that she was/is a she. Well SHE is acctually still a SHE that doesn't like the fact that SHE is a girl. Ive read what they do to give a girl a "penis" it's not acctually a penis its just something that forms when she takes a crap load of the male hormone. (I'm calling it that because I don't even want to attempt to spell that properly).
All in all ACCEPT THE GENDER YOU WERE BORN AS!!!
#144 - On 09/09/2009 at 6:58pm by navygirl8909
Please stop talking. Repeating the same sentence over and over doesn't make it more effective. Also, being transgendered is completely different from being homosexual. Do your research before you talk, please.
And it's testosterone. T-E-S-T-O-S-T-E-R-O-N-E. Seriously. Do research or stop talking.
#152 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:13pm by Lonely_Lez
You ignorant asshole. Some people are not comfortable being born in the gender they are born into, just the same as some people grow up uncomfortable because they're "supposed" to love a certain gender, but they love the other, and just like some people grow up uncomfortable because they feel that their body isn't good enough for society.
Don't put people down or discourage what feels right for them just because you don't understand it.
When a person goes through the process of being the other gender, they have to live as the other gender for a year beforehand. After this, if they've found a good surgeon who will actually perform this procedure, women do get an actual penis - they take male hormones as well but that's not what forms the penis. They get surgery. Ben is a man, he is a HE, not a she, do some research next time buddy.
Some people hate their hair, some people hate their thighs, and some people hate the body they were born into. The ones who have the courage to come out about it and do something amaze me. They have far more courage than you have.
#158 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:25pm by caticaticati
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Ok lonely_lez I acctually know all of that crap you told me to just "research". But I still think that if your born with male parts your male and if born with female parts your female. I don't care if they say their uncomfortable being that gender because too bad that's the hand they were dealt.
Also I know what testosterone is I just didn't know how to spell it correctly. If I would have tried to spell it you would have just corrected me on the spelling anyway. So don't tell me to do research. You idiot I have done research I just don't agree with it. I was born with a vagina and I accept it you don't hear me complaining. Even if you get a sex change opperation your still your original gender no matter what. Because most female gone male still have their uterous and fallopian tubes. God made you the gender you are for a reason so DEAL WITH IT!!
#169 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:47pm by navygirl8909
If you want your opinions to be fully respected, you shouldn't solely back them up with "God". Not everyone believes in god, or at least not the Christian god to whom I assume you are referring.
#173 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:53pm by Lonely_Lez
YDI for not kicking the tires before buying the car. How could you not know he was a she? But that's just cruel of shim to deceive you like that. This is definitely grounds for annulment. There was deception involved here. Go ahead and kick shim in the nuts; he/she wouldn't feel it anyway.
This. You were lead into marriage under false pretences.
Also, beware of the guys who are willing to wait for you. Or it.
As much as I am a supporter of hte transgender movement, what "He'" did to you was wrong. He lied to you, and mislead you.
Wow I hope you didn't spend a ton on the wedding and how awful that noone in his family told you. I understand it if maybe you were dating a month but to let you go through with an engagement nevertheless a wedding is wrong. Get your marriage annulled and send the girl packing. If she really loved you she wouldn't of waited til your wedding night to tell you. FYL indeed.
Actually, I don't think it would be a "lie." I mean she never asked him "Hey were you ever a woman at one point?" I completely agree that it was wrong for Ben or Brenda to do something like that, but it wasn't a lie. You could definitely get an annulment. I do have to ask though, how could you not realize that the man you dated and were engaged to and even married was actually a woman at one time.
It's a lie of omission...don't try to excuse it for what it is.
#159 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:26pm by greatnt249
Wow...honestly, thats enough to divorce someone. I have no issues again transgender people at all, but not telling the person you "love" the truth about yourself? Something this big should've been said before they got married. This is the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with after all.
#155 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:21pm by rukiafujioka
wow.... i feel so sorry for u.
i no pple r saying that if u love him/her it shouldnt matter, but honestly, if i were u, i would be freaking out
whether ur comfortable or not about his gender, ur whole life plans r changing now- u cant have kids, u probably wont even think or look of him the same way u use to, u never know how honest he/she will be in ur future and a lot more. sure, it must be hard 4 him to tell u but he should have. not after marrying u. its as if he/she wanted to trap u. its not right. u have every right to know. its ur life to. wat he did was really selfish. and if he cant be honest about himself, than who knows wat else he/she will lie about. plus, lying about that is pretty big. he should get some1 who accepts him for who he really is, not trick them. i know trans pple should have love and relationships in there lives to. and yea, it is hard 4 them. but in this case ur husband only thought of himself.
#156 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:21pm by jessxoxo28
I love how all the consideration is being given to the transgendered individual in this case and almost none to the guaranteed trauma the OP must have experienced on being told that her husband is not a biological male.
The OP is the victim here, not B(r)en(da). If Ben really wanted to find love in those sympathetic to his situation, there are plenty of alternate avenues he could have explored instead of lying and exploiting someone who had different expectations from the relationship.
#157 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:24pm by greatnt249
ALSO - liking the same gender has nothing to do with being a transgender person - there are people born into a female body that like men that don't want to be female.
Edit: This is a reply to 144 - I don't know why it was put in the wrong spot. :/
#160 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:26pm by caticaticati
To all of the people who are saying "Can you blame him for keeping this a secret?" keep in mind that he was doing himself a disservice as well as the OP.
I think it was completely wrong of him to conceal that information. I realize that it's sensitive, but as soon as the relationship started getting serious he should have disclosed it. If he felt it was important to tell her once they were married, he should have told her at least when they got engaged. Not only because that's what's fair to the wife. Why would he want to enter into a commitment with someone without telling her something so huge about his past?
People keep saying "oh, look how people on this site are reacting to him being transgender." So that's a good reason for him to keep it from coworkers, acquaintances, etc. If the OP is prejudiced against transgender people, being married to one under false pretenses is not going to change her mind. If he'd told her earlier in their relationship and she couldn't deal with it, both would have been a little hurt but broken up and moved on. At this point, they're deeply in love and legally/spiritually/romantically bound to each other. If she hates transgendered people, that's not going to change. And if she doesn't, she's going to be incredibly hurt that she was lied to.
Marrying someone under false pretenses is NEVER okay.
#163 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:34pm by daughterofair
I think this is just horrible!
Trust is a huge important part of a healthy relationship, and since B(r)en(da) obviously couldn't trust the OP with the truth, I don't think it's gonna work out.
#168 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:45pm by Hello_nikki507
If you want to be a man, keep your vagina anyway. It works better. It's pretty much impossible to construct a remotely useful penis from a clitoris and vagina.
#170 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:48pm by GrapefruitZoe
Here it comes... a tl;dr rant.
First of all, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am fully supportive of transfolk everywhere, and totally agree with all the people telling the ignorant fuckwads to shut up with their "ZOMG, NOT A REAL MAN" bullshit. I have a fair few trans friends, and believe me, people, they go through hell because of fuckwits like you, so kindly STFU, yes?
That being said, this FML is totally justified. Ben was wrong on many levels, and believe me, it pains me to say it, but the fact is that this kind of information affects how you see your partner, and it is information a partner is entitled to, ESPECIALLY if you are on the marriage track. I fully appreciate that there is never a 'right time' to drop this bombshell on a partner, and the terror that comes with keeping this kind of secret for fear of being abandoned and having to confront a past you would rather forget, but the simple truth is that someone you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with should have every possible aspect of the truth so that they can make a fully informed decision about whether they can make that kind of commitment. In this situation, Ben went out of his way to keep the truth hidden all the way to the altar, and that is totally unacceptable. The OP was expecting to have sex with her cisgendered male partner on her wedding night - probably had dreams of carrying and raising his child and living her married life out that way. Those dreams were the lie, the form of deceit, and the excuse of wanting to know if she truly loved him simply does not cut it - this information should have been revealed at the very least after she had accepted the engagement, if not before. I agree that neither the relationship nor the love is a lie, but the simple, cold hard truth is this: Ben kept the truth from his partner, a truth that could have affected her decision to marry him, and only after he had her 'trapped' (for want of a better word) in the marriage, revealed the information that the OP should have had every right to take into account before making such a huge decision as marriage. Apart from the shattered dreams and expectations the OP had when agreeing to marry and actually marrying Ben, think of how shattered the OP herself must be, knowing that part of her love, life and marriage is based on such a pivotal act of deception.
FYL, OP. If you cannot handle it, that is fine, but I suggest you get the marriage anulled ASAP. That way, if you wish to, you may be able to get married again, if you find yourself able to handle things, and if not then at least the legal aspect of things will not be as messy as it could get. I genuinely wish you both the best.
P.S - Please do not think I do not completely understand the hardship of being a trans*person, ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships. In this case in particular, however, I feel Ben did very wrong by the OP, and obviously, something needs to happen now. People saying "So?" or "If you really loved him..." etc simply do not understand. People are acting like the OP is a bitch for FMLing this; those people are failing to understand that the OP is probably heartbroken over this herself, and it's going to be just as hard for her as it would be for her partner.
#175 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:57pm by judgeymcjudge
this fml is quite obviously about the fact that Ben didn't trust OP enough to reveal the reality of who he was - so why should OP be criticized for thinking that his behaviour was out of order - marriage is about sex as well as loving someone for who they are but a huge part of marriage is about trust.
#177 - On 09/09/2009 at 7:58pm by abiteacher
Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment.
I would literaly beat the shit out of Ben-da or whatever till it's bleeding. No joke. Everyone take note, THIS IS WHAT AN FML SHOULD BE. I hate those "Today, I dropped my pencil. FML"
I'm with this guy. This is extremely deceitful, and it should be illegal to dupe someone like this. Brenda deserves whatever ass kicking she gets.
Wow. Asshole. I'm glad you think violence towards trans people is the answer.
#183 - On 09/09/2009 at 8:10pm by cherrycolacherry
You people don't deserve to be free in society if you think that's the answer.
#184 - On 09/09/2009 at 8:17pm by Lonely_Lez
Another point: why didn't the OP's husband give the OP the benefit of the doubt? By waiting until after the wedding, it seems like he almost assumed that she would react this way. We're all concerned about her opinion of him as a transgendered person, but HIS opinion of HER doesn't seem to be too hot either. Obviously he didn't have faith in her to be understanding, loving, and accepting. Forget about the huge lie of omission -- if my partner had such little faith and trust in me, I would be hurt beyond belief.
#180 - On 09/09/2009 at 8:06pm by newyorker17
