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FML's Halloween Delights

 Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML
 
Every year, at regular intervals, some of us like to dress up in insanely scary costumes and then go outside and try to extract candy from the general public by scaring them into submission. But enough about the FML team’s usual Saturday nights, I’m supposed to be talking about Halloween. Halloween, also known as the agoraphobic pedophile’s favourite night of the year, is a whole bunch of fun. Especially if you’re particularly ugly since you’re encouraged to hide your features and to look as scary as possible with masks, make-up and costumes. Well, that’s the traditional sense of it, these days it’s more like an excuse to dress up as your favourite Pokémon or make an oh-so-clever Big Bang Theory reference. And we all know what people who are into that sort of stuff are like. On FML, we have had a few Halloween stories over the years, but we’ve also had a few stories where fear was involved. Fear. FEAR. People being gripped by the knackers and shaken to their very core by an event, either their own dumb fault, or just bad luck.


Halloween, as I’ve already mentioned, involves a lot of dressing up and slapping on a mess of make-up. This is not always a good idea for those involved as things usually tend to go wrong:
 
Today, I told my dad that for Halloween I'm going to be an '80s workout Barbie. He just looks at me and says, "Yeah as the 'before' picture". FML
 
Today, I was walking to my friend’s Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML
 
Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML
 
Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

As with all gatherings involving dressing-up, you can meet people who aren’t exactly who you thought they were…
 
Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML
 
… but also, Halloween can cast a spooky curse on your future.
 
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at Halloween costumes online for this year’s Halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. FML
 
Halloween is most of all about the garish decorations and the kiddies having fun:
 
Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML
 
Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says, “Anal.” FML
 
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML


And there’s always “that guy”:
 
Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML
 
More generally, lots of people on FML have been scared, usually literally by their own shadow:
 
Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML
 
Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML
 
Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until a pair of butterflies attacked me. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

But in keeping with the Halloween theme, there’s also some genuinely creepy stories on the website:

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML
 
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
 
Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML
 
Now it’s time to get dressed, slap on that make-up and fake blood, and go out trick-or-treating. Just don’t get into any mischief, no TP-ing of houses, cars or dogs. But dressing up your pets is allowed, even if it’s a bit sad. And funny. Oh and if you don’t feel like going out, check out some classic horror movies like John Carpenter’s brilliant Halloween and Fog, or some of Dario Argento’s stuff. Here at FML we’ll be partying dressed as ourselves, because we’re scary enough as it is.

#1331 - Ramblings - On 10/31/2012 at 4:38am by Alan - 2 comments

Top comments

Wow, the second-to-last one. What the FUCK. Also, it reminded me of the FML where the person saw a man standing in their kitchen, and when they looked back, no one was there.

#1 - On 11/05/2012 at 9:04pm by iBiteRoses

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