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Emergency services operators share their funniest stories… and the weirdest!

By Alan / vendredi 28 juillet 2017 09:30
When you're in an FML pickle, really sick, with a broken leg or your kid has got his head stuck in the bannister again, Emergency services will be there for you. Whether it's 911 in the US, 999 in the UK or whatever it is elsewhere, help is available. But what qualifies as an emergency? Some people haven't got a clue.

1 - This is how it starts

"911 what is the location of your emergency?"
"Oh, this isn't an emergency."

2 - Despite the police in the UK being quite distinctive with their weird hats?

A woman dialled 999 to say there were men in her house trying to take her away. The men in question were police officers who had come to arrest her.

3 - Monkeys love fire hydrants, everyone know that

One of my personal favorites was someone who called and it went like this: "I know this is not an emergency, but there is a person in a giant monkey suit running down the road humping all the fire hydrants." I had to hold back my laughing as best I could - turns out he was right, when I sent the police there there was a kid in a monkey costume humping every hydrant he came across.

4 - We're guessing alcohol was involved here

Guy got stuck head first in a kids slide with his arms stuck at his sides. Had to be extracted by the fire department.

5 - Depends where you've got one stuck

I had someone a few months ago call 911 to ask if a tablespoon was the big spoon or the little one.

6 - (Three) Cool cat(s)

A grown man called at 2am once to report that he saw a cat running around outside and he thought it was a little too cold out and instead of stopping to try and get the cat himself, he wanted first responders to send out a search party.

7 - Or he was trying to find his inner light

Guy swallowed a light bulb and a battery hoping to get a script for narcotics.

8 - Shooting someone is rarely legal

Had a guy call asking if it was legal to shoot his neighbor because his hedges were hanging over his property and he considered it tresspassing.

9 - You're going to dye

Paramedic here. Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.

10 - Goddamn clowns, scamming people left right and center

A woman who had seen a clown in London selling balloons for £5 each, which was much more than other clowns were charging.

11 - Slightly racist paranoia

I worked on 9/11. I had people call 911 for weeks after because there were "3 brown guys in a car and I thought you should know about it."

12 - This sounds awfully like the start of a joke, or a SNL sketch

Had another woman call saying her cat was stuck in a tree. I just knew she wanted the fire department to come save the cat, so I got my "that's only in movies/TV" speech ready. Then she said "...so my husband climbed up to get the cat and now he's stuck too."

13 - Google might've installed gun turrets to stop people showing their asses

Someone called 911 about a "machine gun mounted on a car". It was the Google maps car...

14 - You can't sue everyone for everything

"I want to report an attempted murder. I asked them not to put mushrooms on my pizza, as I'm allergic and they forgot, so it's attempted murder."

15 - Made in China flags

I had a man call and complain because his neighbor had a Mexican flag flying above the American flag in his yard. He wanted us to arrest him and take his flags down. I told him we wouldn't do that, and he asked to speak to the watch commander. He kept calling and reciting the flag code to me. He eventually wanted to complain to internal affairs. I never got the official complaint so I'm sure they didn't make him happy either.

16 - Fucking Budweiser bastards

One woman called saying that every time she went outside the frogs said, "Mmm, pussy."

17 - Child prodigy, clearly a genius

Not a 911 operator, but I do work for a kids helpline. I recently got a call from a panicked 11-year-old boy who thought he had locked himself in a wardrobe while home alone. I was on the phone with him for a while before I suggested sliding the door instead of pushing it out like you would when entering or exiting a room. I heard a few sniffles on the other end of the line and then a quiet, "Oh yeah, I forgot the door went like that."

18 - All of them are, though, aren't they?

A woman in my town once called 911 because her washing machine was making strange noises and she thought it was possessed by the devil.

19 - That's going to be tied up for a while

A guy called hoping we could go in and recover his bondage equipment from a friend's house after that friend died.

20 - Yeah, FU granny!

Me: 911 What's your emergency
Him: "My Grandma's really starting to piss me off!"

21 - Michael Jackson lives

To ask if they can legally own a monkey.

22 - Let me Google that for you

Dispatcher ####, do you have an emergency?
Yes, is there a 24hr supermarket in the area?

23 - We can’t go on together, with suspicious bikes, we can’t build our dreams, on suspicious bikes

"There's a bicycle parked up next to the bus stop near my house, reporting it as suspicious because I've never seen it there before."

24 - Stick to boxes, son

"911, what is the address of the emergency?"
"I need an ambulance"
"What's going on?"
"I just, I need an ambulance"
"Can you tell me why?"
"My dick is stuck in the wall OKAY?!"
"Please stay on the line for Fire/Rescue"

25 - A positive story for a change

Long story short: Helped a little girl do her math homework.

26 - Is it a bird? Is it a plane... oh, shit, it is a bird

"911 what is your emergency?"
"I have an intruder in my house."
"Okay, what is your address?"
"It's a bird."

27 - This probably happens way too often. SAD!

I've had someone call 911 because they were lonely. About 1,000 times.

That's all we've got time for right now. Every worked in Emergency services? Tell us a story in the comments below! 

 

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Top comments
By  Glowworm56  |  21

I love that the dispatcher actually sent the cops to verify the guy in the monkey costume humping fire hydrants one. Also the guy who wanted to send a search party for the cat was very thoughtful.

By  Glowworm56  |  21

I've always been amused by the one where the woman calls 911 in the hope that they'll send the really cute cop back to her house. Good news, they sent him and they had a date--a court date that is! She was arrested her on charges of misuse of the emergency dispatch system. The cop had shown up at her house a month earlier to answer a noise complaint by the lady's neighbors.

Comments
By  Glowworm56  |  21

I've always been amused by the one where the woman calls 911 in the hope that they'll send the really cute cop back to her house. Good news, they sent him and they had a date--a court date that is! She was arrested her on charges of misuse of the emergency dispatch system. The cop had shown up at her house a month earlier to answer a noise complaint by the lady's neighbors.

By  Glowworm56  |  21

I love that the dispatcher actually sent the cops to verify the guy in the monkey costume humping fire hydrants one. Also the guy who wanted to send a search party for the cat was very thoughtful.

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